The Electronic Alchemy Series
by Alchemist17
Summary: A series taking place after IIFY in lieu of the current S5. Added #505 - Power Struggles
1. The Missing Link - EAS 501

The Missing Link ****

The Missing Link

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #501

DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV's fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?

Setting - Mr O'Neil's class

Jane : So, did we have a nice time with Tom last night?

Daria : Go to hell, Lane

Jane : Well, did you?

Daria : Uh, (Bt) Yes. I did.

Jane : And?

Daria : (smirks) And it is time for class to start

O'Neill : Good Morning class! Welcome to another wonderful day at Lawndale high.

Daria : So when does it begin?

Jane : Tomorrow. It's always a day away.

Daria : OK, little orphan Jane

Brittany : Jane, you're an orphan? But … (twirls hair), isn't that a monkey or something?

Daria : Yes Brittany, but she's a SPECIAL monkey who gets to go to school every day. In fact, I'm her trainer. I make sure that she's put back in her cage every day, and that she gets her daily dose of bananas.

Brittany : But, (thinking), I thought that monkeys were all hairy or something? Like those cute ones at the zoo…

Jane : (heavy sarcasm) Epilady…

Brittany : Oh, (thinking) OK!

O'Neill : Class? Class! Can anyone …

(door opens and Ms Li walks in along with two police officers)

Daria : Thought police?

Jane : Not bloody likely around here

Ms. Li : Ms. Morgendorffer, may I please have a word with you?

Jane : Ok, who'd you kill? (Bt) And why wasn't I invited this time?

Daria : (shrugs) Hey, I told you I had a nice time last night… (smirks)

Daria gets up and leaves the room in the company of Ms. Li.

Cut back to Jane inside

Jane : (slightly confused) Well, alrighty then

Cut to the hall outside. Daria is talking with Ms. Li and the police officers. Suddenly, Daria jerks slightly and takes on a sour expression. She writes something on a piece of paper, hands it to the police officers, and slowly walks off.

Cut to front of Lawndale High.

Daria walks out the front of the school, turning to look back at it briefly, and slowly walks off.

Cut to school cafeteria.

Jane is sitting at the table alone, picking at her food.

Jodie : Jane? Are you alright?

Jane : Oh, hi Jodie. I'm fine. I'm just worried about Daria. She left O'Neil's English class with Ms. Li and two police officers this morning, and nobody seems to have seen or heard from her since.

Pan to Quinn walking behind the two

Quinn (to self) **:** Oh my GOD! Daria's in jail! What did she DO last night?

Return to Jane and Jodie

Jodie : Did she say anything about why?

Jane : (VO, thinking) "Hey, I told you I had a nice time tonight" (To Jodie) Not really …

Mack : (trying to interrupt politely) Um, Jane? Could I ask you something?

Jodie : (slightly annoyed) Mack, we're a bit busy now, could it wait?

Jane : It's OK Jodie.

Jodie sighs

Mack : Do you know what's up with Daria? (Jodie perks up and smirks slightly) There's some rumor going around that she got arrested.

Jane : Um, (Bt) I don't really know. Daria left the classroom with Ms Li and two police officers. She hasn't been seen since then, as far as I know. She didn't seem worried though, and didn't mention anything unusual this morning.

Jodie : Have you tried calling her?

Jane : Yep. No answer. Not that that means all that much with Daria. Look, if I learn anything new, I'll let you know, OK?

Jodie : OK. I'm sure she's fine.

Jane : Yeah…

Kevin (VO, offscreen) **:** Hey, Mack Daddy!

Mack groans and walks off. Jodie looks at Jane briefly, and follows Mack offscreen.

Cut to hallway, Lawndale High

Sandi : You know, Quinn, I heard that cousin of yours got arrested or something. (Bt – smirking) Probably for, like crimes against fashion or something

Tiffany : Yeah…

Stacy : She kinda creeps me out (Bt, puzzled) but why would she be in prison for that?

Sandi : STACY!

Stacy : (meekly) Sorry!

As the fashion club walks by, Quinn can be seen trailing behind them. She looks a bit sad, and is getting annoyed at the conversation.

Sandi : Quinn? What is it with your cousin anyway?

Quinn (definitely annoyed) **:** Well, how should I know Sandi? Its not like I was there or anything. Maybe they needed to ask her some questions or something. After all, she IS a BRAIN!

Sandi : (taken aback by Quinn's response) Um, well, OK. (visibly changing topics) So, are we going to Cashmans for the sale this afternoon?

The fashion club walks off, with Quinn still looking a bit depressed.

Cut to the Morgendorffer Residence, Daria's room.

We see Daria from behind, typing at her computer and taking notes in her notepad. A can of soda sits nearby. Daria picks it up to take a drink, noticing that its empty. She drops the empty can into a significant pile of empty cans, and reaches to the floor, pulling another can out of the opened case. Sighing, she returns to her computer. As the camera pulls out, we see papers scattered over her bed and floor.

Cut to streets of Lawndale

Jane is walking down the street slowly as Trent drives up.

Trent : Hey Janey! Wanna ride?

Jane : Trent? You're up awful early. It's not even six yet.

Trent : Yeah, well practice ran early. Or late. Whatever.

Jane smirks a bit and gets into the car.

Trent : So, where are we going?

Jane : (slightly down) Daria's

Trent : What, she steal another boyfriend from you?

Jane : (forcibly) Trent!

Trent : Hey, calm down Janey. Everything OK?

Jane : (pensive) Well, I'm not sure.

Trent : Uh, OK.

Pan out as they arrive at the Morgendorffer household. As Jane gets out of the car, we see Tom's car at the curb. Tom is standing at the door as Jane walks up. Before she can say anything, Tom turns around to return to his car, looking disappointed, but not angry.

Jane : Tom?

Tom : (turning slightly) Jane? What are you doing here?

Jane : Um, looking for Daria. Is there something I should know?

Tom : Probably, but I don't know what it is. I'll see you later, I guess. (leaves)

Jane shrugs, and walks up to the door. Just as she is about to knock, the door opens to reveal Quinn standing there.

Jane : No, Quinn, I'm not your date. Is Daria in?

Quinn : Daria is, um, busy right now. I'll let her know that you stopped by if you want.

Jane : (angrily) So, she's free to talk with Tom but not with me!

Quinn : She didn't talk to Tom. I did.

Jane : (abashed, and slightly surprised) Quinn? Is she OK?

Quinn : (sighs) I don't know Jane. Do you know what happened to her today?

Jane : That's kinda why I came over here. No one seems to know what happened after she left.

Quinn : I know. At least she's not in prison or something

Jane : Always good to know. Thanks Quinn, its been, well, almost pleasant. I'll let you get ready for your dates tonight. It is Friday, after all.

Quinn : (as door is closing) You're welcome. And I don't have any dates tonight.

Door closes as Jane stares at the door for a few seconds. She then slowly walks away.

Jane : Well, that was a bit … weird.

Cut to interior of the Morgendorffer residence. We see Quinn walking away from the recently closed door and up the stairs. She walks up to Daria's door, where a note hangs on the door with 'STAY THE HELL OUT' written in large block letters. Quinn removes the note quietly and retreats to her own room, looking a bit concerned.

(phone rings)

Quinn picks up the phone

Quinn : Hello? (with little enthusiasm) Oh, hi Jamie. No, I have this family thing tonight, so I can't go on a date tonight. No, I'm not seeing someone else, its just that (pause as Quinn thinks), well, my Mom has some big work thing she wants us all to be around for. No, I can't get out of it. Um, yeah, I'm free Wednesday. See you then? Great.

Quinn hangs up the phone and looks at the note. Walking over to her dresser, we see her place it in a drawer and shut it. She returns to her bed, picking up a copy of Sense and Sensibility and begins reading. The phone rings yet again, and Quinn answers.

Quinn : Hello? Oh, hi mom. You're working late? Hang on, call on the other line. (Switches calls) Hello? Dad? Stuck at work with a big contract? OK. Bye. (switches back) Mom? Yeah, Dad's going to be late too. OK, I'll be fine. Daria? She's over at Jane's for the night. Something about like, movies or something, and a girls night out. It's just so 80's. Yes? OK. OK, bye. (hangs up phone and returns to reading)

Cut to Jane's house, where Jane is angrily painting at a canvas. Sick Sad World is playing in the background

(knock at the door)

Trent : (Offscreen) Janey?

Jane : Nope. Not in. Try again later.

(door opens slightly, with Trent peeking in)

Trent : Janey? (sees her painting passionately) Uh, never mind

Jane : (exasperated but a little embarrassed) Trent? What is it?

Trent : Are you hungry? The band's got a gig at some restaurant tonight. Free food if you're interested.

Jane : (calming slightly) Yeah, OK. I'll be down in a bit.

Pan to outside of Lane residence as Jane slowly walks out to the Tank and gets in. The Tank pulls away in an impressive cloud of smoke. Cut to the inside of the Tank

Jesse : Hey, Jane, where's that friend of yours? Daria, is it?

Trent elbows Jesse, but the damage is done

Jane : Not here. Don't know where. (turns, giving a hostile look) Don't ask again.

Jesse pulls back, both surprised and concerned.

Cut to outside of Morgendorffer residence.

Quinn can be seen walking up to her house, carrying a pizza and a paper bag. Entering the house, she places the pizza on the living room table, and goes into the kitchen. Returning, she is carrying two plates and a teapot. Quinn places the teapot in the paper bag, a few slices of pizza on the plate, and walks upstairs with the plate and bag.

Pan to interior of Daria's room. Daria is still working at her computer, a bit more slowly than before.

(someone knocks at the door)

Daria : Daria is dead. Go away.

(another knock)

Daria sighs and gets up. From behind, we see her open the door slowly, but see no-one at the door. Puzzled, she looks down and sees the pizza and the paper bag on the floor. Bringing them in, she looks into the bag to see the teapot (electric), a box of Mint Tea, and a box of sugar tarts. Daria shrugs, and picks up the pizza and begins to eat.

Pan to living room, as Quinn comes down the stairs. Sitting down, she takes the remaining plate and a slice of pizza. She moves to remove the cheese, then shrugs and starts eating, cheese and all.

Cut to restaurant

Jane sits at a table as Mystik Spiral plays on stage. A pasta-like dish sits in front of her, heavily picked at but sparsely eaten. Jane looks pre-occupied. Trent and the band begin playing Freakin Friends. Jane looks up forlornly, then gets up and walks to the bathroom.

Cut to the Tank, later that night

Jane is slumped in a corner of the van, half asleep as they pull up to the Lane residence. Trent picks up Jane, carrying her to her room, gently placing her in her bed and covering her.

Jane : (groggily) Thanks Trent.

Trent : (softly) Whatever. (leaves)

Cut to morning, the Morgendorffer kitchen

Helen is in the kitchen cooking pancakes as Jake reads the paper at the table. Quinn enters the kitchen just as Helen places the pancakes at the table and gets the syrup from the refrigerator.

Helen : Quinn, dear, have you seen Daria?

Quinn : Mo-om, I told you last night that Daria was staying over with that friend of hers to watch movies.

Helen : Well, do you know when she'll be back?

Quinn : I think after lunch or something. They were probably up late or something.

Helen : Oh, well if you see her, tell her that Jake and I have a retreat today. We should be back by dinner.

Quinn : OK, mom.

Jake : Dinner? I thought it was still breakfast!

Helen (disappointed) **:** Jake…

Cut to Lane residence, interior

Jane lurches out of bed, still fully dressed. She walks to the closet, and we see her clothes sitting on the floor outside the door. Jane emerges in her usual attire, and walks to the phone.

Jane picks up the phone and dials

(Split screen between Jane and Quinn)

Quinn : Hello?

Jane : Quinn? Is Daria home?

Quinn : Yes.

Jane : Well, could I talk to her?

Quinn : Um, Jane, if you want to talk to her, you should probably come over.

Jane : Quinn?

Quinn : Bye Jane

Return to Lane household. Jane looks at the phone strangely. She gets up, hangs up the phone, and walks out.

Cut to Morgendorffer residence, interior

Door rings. Quinn walks from the kitchen to the front door, opening it to reveal Jane.

Jane : Quinn? Is Daria in?

Quinn : Upstairs

As Jane walks up the stairs, Quinn smiles briefly, and leaves the house

Upstairs, Daria's door. The door is closed, so Jane knocks

Daria : (VO) The number you have tried has been disconnected. Please leave and never try again.

Jane : Daria, its me. I'm coming in.

Jane opens the door to see Daria at her computer. The room is covered in papers, and several maps are spread on the bed. Empty sugar tart wrappers are sitting next to the keyboard, with a cup with several teabags in back.

Daria : (tiredly) Hi, Jane

Jane : Daria, did you sleep at all last night?

Daria : (still working at the computer, back to Jane) I'll give you two guesses.

Jane : Daria, either you turn around and talk to me, or I'm going to get some blond dye and we can stripe my hair again!

Daria : Won't work. (turns slowly) You don't have a boyfriend for me to steal.

Jane is taken aback, looking shocked and slightly hurt as Daria turns to face her, but her hurt changes to concern when she sees Daria's face. Daria's eyes are bloodshot, and there are dark bags under her eyes. In addition, her face is red and puffy – she has been crying, although she tries to hide it. Daria is quite clearly exhausted, yet too stubborn to admit it.

Jane : OK, Daria, what's wrong?

Daria : (mumbles)

Jane : Parents?

Daria : No

Jane : Cousin?

Daria : No

Jane : Tom?

Daria : No

Jane : Me?

Daria : No

Jane : OK, I give up. What's the problem?

Daria gets up and walks to her bed. Picking up a paper, she walks over to Jane and hands it to her. Without a word, Daria goes back to her computer and keeps working. Looking down at the paper, we see the picture of a child, with the caption "Runaway Minor" and a first name of Link. Scrawled beneath it in red pen is the phrase "help us find the missing link!"

Jane : Oh, I see. (Bt) So, that's what the police wanted?

Daria : Yep. Asked if I knew anything. I said no.

Jane : And do you?

Daria : That's what I've been trying to figure out. (yawns loudly)

Jane : Tell you what. Get a few hours sleep. You'll feel better, and be able to think clearer.

Daria : I just can't. I'm so close. I can feel it.

Jane : None of that missy. You go right to bed, and I'll be back in a few hours to wake you up and help.

Daria : (groggily) I accept on one condition. (Bt) Pepperoni, cheese, grease. (Bt) Time to be determined.

Jane : (chuckling) You drive a hard bargain, but I agree. (pause) How'd you persuade Helen to leave you alone about this?

Daria : You know, I didn't. (Bt) I wonder …

Daria nods off as she speaks, and with Jane's assistance, Daria collapses in her bed and falls asleep. Jane covers her and leaves quietly.

Jane : (leaving) Ah, how the mighty have fallen.

Cut to later that evening

Jane knocks at the Morgendorffer's front door. Helen answers

Helen : Oh, hi Jane! How was your girls night out?

Jane : Huh?

Helen : Your movie night with Daria yesterday.

Jane : (thinking quickly) Oh, it went pretty well, but I'm still a bit tired. Is Daria in?

Helen (suspicious, but guarded) **:** I think she's upstairs

Jane enters the house and heads up to Daria's room.

Daria's room – interior

(knock at door)

Daria : Mmmrph

Jane : I'm coming in.

Daria : Blergh

Jane opens the door and enters the room.

Jane : You're so, articulate

Daria : (getting out of bed) I hate you.

Daria goes to her closet and removes her jeans and T-shirt (as per Road Worrier), and leaves briefly. She returns after a few moments and closes the door.

Jane : Now that you're actually awake, would you mind telling me what exactly is going on?

Daria : (sighs) Ok, I guess. You remember how I told you about Link? (Bt) How we've been in contact through E-mail?

Jane : Yes…

Daria : Well, we've been E-mailing a couple times a week on average. Recently, he seemed to be having more problems with his family, especially his stepfather.

Jane : OK…

Daria : So I encouraged him to make his wishes known. I figured that at least his mother would care enough about him to listen to him.

Jane : So what happened?

Daria : Well, he told his mother that he was tired of being ignored and pawned off to daycare. The poor kid just wanted a little attention…

Jane : And?

Daria : His stepfather apparently got really angry that Link wasn't appreciative of everything they had done for him, and grounded him. The next morning, he was gone, his backpack missing, along with some clothes and candy bars.

Jane : So why did they come for you?

Daria : The aliens? The MIB?

Jane : The police.

Daria : Oh, them. (Bt) Well, they found my E-mail address by Link's computer and wanted to know whether I knew anything about where he might have gone.

Jane : So what happened afterwards?

Daria : I came home. I dug into Link's previous E-mails, trying to figure out where he might have gone.

Jane : Any luck?

Daria : No.

Jane : No idea at all?

Daria : Link's a smart kid. Plus, its not like this is a new development. He must have had someplace in mind for some time now, someplace where he wouldn't be found. (sigh) I just don't know where.

Cut to Cashmans department store. Quinn and the Fashion Club are shopping for their usual attire.

Sandi : So Quinn, is it true that your, like, cousin or whatever is on death row?

Quinn : Nooo Sandi, they just wanted to ask my (pause) cousin a few questions

Stacy : Then, why did she leave school?

Tiffany : Yeah … Why?

Quinn : Well, if you could get out of school early, would you?

Tiffany : Oh, yeah… That makes sense

Sandi : Gee Quinn, if you know so much, maybe you should be President of the Fashion club!

Quinn : (pausing in consideration, faux sincerity) Oh, Sandi, I could never do that. You make such a good President.

Tiffany : Yeah…

Quinn : Look! Sequins!

As the fashion club walks offscreen, we see that Quinn still looks a bit down.

Returns to Daria's room, Jane and Daria are both looking at the maps on Daria's bed

Jane : So, any ideas?

Daria : Don't know. Depends on what he's looking to do.

Jane : Huh?

Daria : Well, he doesn't like his real father, and the police have probably already checked there. So it depends on if he really ran away, or simply wants to punish his family for a while.

Jane : (sardonically) Gee, maybe we should just look into his hidden plans then?

Daria : Encrypted

Jane : Um, what?

Daria : There appear to be some encrypted files on his computer. What they actually contain, who knows. (Bt) Besides him, that is.

Jane : And did he tell you anything? Let you know he was leaving?

Daria : Nothing unusual. (pause – Daria is pondering something)

Jane : A lead?

Daria : An idea. Perhaps. Let's go.

Cut to Morgendorffer living room, as Jane and Daria are leaving. Jake is sitting reading the paper

Jake : (paper still up) Going out, kiddo?

Daria : Well, Daria is going out

Jake: Out with Tom again?

Daria : No, dad. This is Jane. Red shirt, long hair, and female, Jane.

Jake : (lowering paper sheepishly) Sorry. Have fun.

Daria : Tons.

Daria and Jane exit the house, walking down the street.

Jane : So, what's this big idea of yours?

Daria : Well, I just realized one thing. Link doesn't have much family that he would ever want to stay with.

Jane : Sounds familiar.

Daria : Shut up. (pause) But anyway, I was thinking, and I figured that if he were running away on a whim, he would probably have taken some money with him.

Jane : He didn't?

Daria : Almost $50 in cash in his room. Police found it between the mattresses.

Jane : Interesting. And this helps us how?

Daria : It means that he knew where he was going, and knew that he didn't need money. Besides, if he were at a hotel, the police probably would have tracked him down by now.

Jane : (looks around and notices where they're going) So, are you thinking that he's staying with Tom?

Daria : Unlikely

Jane : Would it be wrong of me to ask why we're going to Tom's then?

Daria : No

(pause)

Jane : (sighs) Why are we going to Tom's?

Daria : (slight smirk) Two reasons. First, we need a car. (Bt) And a driver. (Bt) Who would be awake at this hour. Second, Tom was supposed to drop by last night, but apparently he never did, and …

Jane : Daria? He did drop by yesterday.

Daria : What? How would you know?

Jane : I came by yesterday after school to see if you were OK. Tom was just leaving. He had apparently talked to princ... that is Quinn just as I got there.

Daria : I see. I take it you talked to Quinn too?

Jane : Yep. She said that you were home, alive, and not incarcerated, but that you were busy that night.

Daria : Incarcerated?

Jane : Well, not in jail, to quote Quinn exactly.

Daria : Hmmm. Something strange is going on here. I don't understand it, and that disturbs me.

Jane : Come on. You were already disturbed.

Daria : (smirking) Guilty as charged.

Cut to exterior of Tom's house, as Daria and Jane walk up towards the front door. Daria rings the bell, as Jane stands to the side, a just out of sight. Tom answers the door, and smiles when he sees Daria on the other side.

Tom : Daria! I wasn't expecting you today. Is everything OK?

Tom leans over and kisses Daria. Daria blushes a bit at the attention

Jane : Ahem

Tom : Jane?

Daria : Don't worry. (Bt) She had to learn about kissing eventually

Jane : Hey!

Daria : (under her breath to Jane) Payback's a bitch, ain't it?

Tom : Um, if you don't mind, could you possibly explain what's going on? I came over yesterday, but never got past your sister

Jane : Cousin?

Daria : (wincing) Whatever. (Bt) Can we come in? This may take a bit.

A bit later, inside the Sloane residence. We see Daria speaking initially, and then she leans back somewhat, with both relief and concern on her face

Tom : So, this Link ran away after a fight with his parents, and you feel responsible for it?

Daria : Sort of. (long pause) I guess I'm just concerned about him, you know. (Bt) Reminds me a little too much of myself, I guess.

Tom : (sensing that this is not the time for THAT discussion just yet) So, how can we help?

Morgendorffer living room. Quinn enters with a few bags from her trip to the mall. Before she can get upstairs, her beeper goes off.

Quinn : Oooh! What do you want now, mom?

Quinn picks up the phone, and dials

Helen : Hello?

Quinn : Mom? Where's Maryanne?

Helen : Out for the day.

Quinn : What did you want?

Helen : Dinner tonight with the partners. They want to get to know my family (mumbles) damn short notice, no time for a prepared statement

Quinn : But my date…

Helen : Will just have to be rescheduled.

Quinn : But he has a BMW!

Helen : And I have a Lexus. As well as power of attorney.

Quinn : (annoyed, but knowing she can't win) Fine.

Helen : Will you put Daria on please?

Quinn : Hang on.

Quinn walks up the stairs. Cut to Quinn peeking inside Daria's room, and finding it empty. Quinn leaves and heads back down the stairs.

Quinn : She's not here.

Helen : Well, where is she?

Quinn : How should I know? I don't have the time to keep track of her with my fashion club duties and all.

Helen : (sighs) Could you please try to find her? (Bt) This is very important, Quinn.

Quinn : Perhaps …

Helen : Twenty

Quinn : Fifty

Helen : Thirty

Quinn : Done

Helen : I'll be by at eight. Be ready.

Quinn : Sure, mom

Quinn hangs up the phone and carries her bags upstairs. She picks up the cordless phone, and calls the Lane residence

Cut to Trent's room. Trent is sprawled on the bed as the duck phone quacks. Trent gropes a bit, finally finding the phone

Trent : 'lo?

Quinn : Um, hello? Is somebody there?

Trent : Yup.

Quinn : Is Daria there?

Trent : Wrong number. (hangs up)

Quinn : Oooh! (redials)

Trent : Hello?

Quinn : This is Quinn, Daria's sister. Is Daria there?

Trent : (sitting up in his bed) Don't think so. Jane left a while ago too.

Quinn : Well, do you know where they are?

Trent : I think Jane was headed over there.

Quinn : Oh, never mind. Bye.

Trent : Bye, Daria's sister

Quinn : Oooh! (hangs up phone)

Quinn dials another number on the phone

Elsie : Hello. Sloane residence, Elsie speaking

Quinn : Hi. Is Daria there?

Elsie : May I ask who's calling?

Quinn : Quinn. Her sister.

Elsie : Tom, Daria, and Jane went out a little while ago. I don't know when they'll be back.

Quinn : (annoyed) Great. (resigned) If you hear from them, could you tell Daria to call home? (Bt) Its important.

Elsie : OK Quinn.

Quinn : Thanks. Bye

Quinn : Great. Just great.

Cut to Tom's car. Jane is in the back seat, with Tom and Daria sitting in front. Daria has a map out and is giving directions.

Daria : Left up here, and that should be it.

Jane : Is this what I think it is?

Zoom out as Tom's car passes a sign for the OK to cry corral.

Jane : Never mind.

Tom : What are we looking for here?

Daria : All in good time, dear Watson

Daria, Jane, and Tom get out of the car and walk towards the camp. The camp is empty (being closed), and there is no-one around as the three make their way to a supply shed towards the back of the camp

Daria : (heavy sarcasm) Ah, my favorite summer resort. Learn the nuances of your inner child, compliments of your tour guide, Mr. O'Neil. Even Dante only had to go to hell…

Jane : Bitter?

Tom : What was your first clue?

Daria : Ah, here we go.

Pan out to see a door with a pushbutton combination lock. Daria walks up and punches in a series of numbers. The light flashes from red to green, and Daria opens the door and walks inside.

Cut to interior as Daria turns on the lights. We see a storage room, with various camp items stored on a series of dusty shelves. Daria, Jane, and Tom are walking through the aisles.

Jane : Didn't you tell me that all you did at this 'camp' was sit inside and get in touch with your 'inner child'?

Daria : Those are among the memories I have not yet repressed, yes.

Jane : So what is all this for? (gestures to shelves holding tents and dehydrated food)

Daria : Well, do you remember the big hurricane? (Jane nods) Well, Mr. O'Neil was worried about a disaster causing anxiety in the campers, so he stockpiled enough supplies to last through a major hurricane.

Tom : So he couldn't take the children outside for a hike, but he's ready for a disaster?

Daria : (looking at the shelves as they go) Yup. Remember that he IS a teacher at Lawndale High

Tom : Right

Daria : Who do you think bought Mr. DeMartino's surplus Y2K supplies?

Jane : Ah, everything is now slightly less murky. (Bt) Since there was no disaster, why do you know the combination?

Daria : Barch's birthday. You'd think he'd be a little more creative.

Jane : But just imagine what would happen if he forgot!

Tom winces at the thought

Daria stops and turns her right, looking at the shelves. We clearly see that some supplies have been removed, and some packaging is lying around.

Daria : Well, someone was here alright. Let's see what is missing. (Tom and Jane spread out and look at different shelves)

Daria : I've got a sleeping bag and a tent missing over here

Jane : (VO) Food. Ice cream, pizza, and stroganoff. The lima bean surprise appears untouched.

Tom : (VO) Looks like a cookstove and some fuel. Possibly more, I can't be certain.

Daria : Well, that's enough to last quite a while. Anyone up for a hike?

Jane : (walking into the shot as she speaks) Why would Link know Barch's birthday?

Daria : She dropped by this summer. Scared the hell out of most of the boys too. But it was quite obvious that she and O'Neil were an item

Jane : So, a lucky guess?

Daria : I hope so.

Tom : And if we can't find him?

Daria : I don't know.

Cut to a hiking trail. The trio is walking along the trail and looking for Link.

Tom : Hey, hold up a second. (pointing into woods) Is that a tent?

Daria : It could be. (looking closer) I think it is, in fact.

They walk over to the tent. We see Link sitting on a rock in front of the tent, reading Nightfall by Issac Asimov

Daria : Link?

Link : Huh? (looks around) Oh, (disappointed) hi Daria.

Daria : Are you OK?

Link : (annoyed) Do I look OK?

Tom : Well, you're not dead, dying, or injured, and you appear to be reasonably healthy. (Bt) So I'd have to say yes.

Link : Gee, thanks. Who are you again?

Daria : Link, this is Tom and Jane. You can figure out which, I hope. (Bt) You want to tell me what happened?

Link : No

Daria : Well, will you? If you don't, sooner or later the police will track you down, and they'll send you back.

Link : So

Jane : Do you expect things to get better when they drag you back?

Link : Fine. (loaded pause) I guess (Bt) I told my parents how I felt. Exactly how I felt. They weren't very happy.

Daria : How so?

Link : Well, my mom just sat there and did nothing. My dad told me that I had a bad attitude, and that I had (imitating his father's voice) 'damn well better appreciate all his hard work', and locked me in my room. I could hear him yelling for a few hours after that. So I left.

Tom : (softly) After he threatened you.

Daria and Jane turn to stare at Tom

Daria & Jane : (in unison, confused) What?

Tom : (matter of factly) You were afraid he'd hurt you.

Link : How did … I mean …

Tom : (to Link) Don't worry. My mother helps out with some of the social services from time to time. I got pulled in once in order to 'build character' or something. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. (To Daria and Jane) We can't send him back until we know that he'll be safe there. And until HE knows that he'll be safe as well.

Daria : I agree. Do you think your mother would help us?

Tom : Definitely.

Cut to the Sloane residence somewhat later, as the four enter Tom's house.

Tom : Anyone want something to drink before I hunt down my mother?

Link : Do you have coke?

Tom : Sure. Jane?

Jane : Coke is fine

Daria : Make it three.

Tom walks out as Else enters the shot

Elsie : Daria? Your sister called. She wanted you to call her if you got in.

Daria : What did she want?

Elsie : I don't know, only that it was important.

Daria : With Quinn, its ALWAYS important.

Daria walks over and picks up the phone. Split screen between Daria and Quinn

Quinn : Hello?

Daria : Quinn? You called?

Quinn : Daria, finally! You need to get home RIGHT NOW!

Daria : Calm down Quinn. I'm busy right now. What's the problem?

Quinn : Mom has a big important dinner with the partners tonight, and apparently they want to meet us, and for some reason Mom wants you there too. You need to be back here by eight.

Daria : Your selflessness is touching. But I really can't make it. Mom will just have to accept that.

Quinn : But Daria, this is really important. Mom will flip if you're not here.

Daria : She'll get over it. (Bt) Tell her that I had something very important come up, and that I simply will not be home in time for the dinner.

Quinn : But…

Daria : Bye, Quinn

They hang up the phone, and we return to Quinn at the Morgendorffer residence. We see that she looks concerned.

Quinn (thought VO) : Mom is going to KILL her for this…

Cut to later that evening at the Morgendorffer residence as Helen comes home.

Helen : Quinn! Daria! Are you ready?

Quinn enters the room, dressed up (of course)

Quinn : I'm ready. Daria can't make it.

Helen : What! I don't ask much (Quinn rolls her eyes), but as a member of this family, she needs to respect the rules. Well, I guess we'll see her in family court tomorrow

Quinn : But mo-om, that's, like sooo (Bt) geeky. Wasn't once enough?

Helen : Quinn, would you rather be a witness or a defendant?

Quinn opens her mouth to speak, but thinks better of it and heads out the door.

Helen : (angrily, under breath) Damn. (leaves the house)

Later that night, at the Sloane residence. We see Daria and Tom leaving in his car as a police cruiser leaves.

Daria : So your mom will get in touch with the social services people tomorrow?

Tom : Yep. They'll look into the situation and figure out what's best for Link.

Daria : Tom, thank you for all your help. It, um, (meekly, embarrassed) meant a lot to me.

Tom : (overly romantic exaggeration) For you, anything

Daria blushes and turns away

Tom : (teasing) Awww, how cute. Well, this is your stop.

Daria : Would you be up for something a little less (Bt) complicated tomorrow?

Tom : Bad movies and cheese fries? My place?

Daria : (deadpan) How romantic. (normal tone) It's a date.

Tom gives Daria a kiss (causing an immediate blush), and Daria gets out of the car and walks inside.

Morgendorffer living room. The front door opens to reveal Daria entering

Helen : Stop right there, young lady!

Daria : (surprised) Mom?

Helen : You missed the dinner to spend the night with you boyfriend?

Daria : (hint of exhaustion creeping into her voice) Wait! I can explain…

Helen : That's enough out of you. I'll see you in family court tomorrow. (heads upstairs)

Daria : Oh, hell. (pause, picks up the telephone) Hello? Is Tom back yet? (smirks as the scene fades out)

Fade to the next day, the family court is being set up. Daria is nowhere to be seen.

Quinn : Mo-om, can we get on with this?

Helen : Soon enough. Now where's Daria

The door opens to reveal Daria, although we cannot see behind her

Jake : Hear ye, hear ye. This court is now in session, case 24601, the Family against one Daria Morgendorffer…

Daria : Honorable Judge Jake

Jake: Hey, thanks kiddo!

Daria : (groans) The defense counsel requests permission to approach the bench

Jake: (with trepidation) Um, OK.

Daria : Pursuant to the official family code, sections 3(a), 7(c), and 9(a-c,e), I wish to present an official list of witnesses. (Bt) I also wish to present notice of a counter-suit against one Ms. Helen Morgendorffer.

Helen looks shocked as Daria leaves the bench, and Jake just looks confused. Behind Daria, the witnesses enter, including Tom, his mother, and the police officers from the night before

Daria : For my first witness, I call Capt. William Stais of the Lawndale Police Department.

Interior, Quinn's room. Quinn is sitting on her bed as a knock is heard at the door. It opens to reveal Daria.

Quinn : Daria?

Daria : Quinn, could I ask a question?

Quinn : (nervously) Um, OK

Daria merely holds up the electric teapot

Quinn : Well, (quietly) until this afternoon, I didn't know what was going on …

Daria : (prodding) And?

Quinn : (nervously) But you seemed really down about something. (pause) And you always helped me when I needed it

Daria : (surprised) Um, Quinn?

Quinn : (suspicious) Yes?

Daria : Do you know what would happen if mom found out?

Quinn : (shocked) How much?

Daria : Fifty

Quinn : Thirty

Daria : Forty

Quinn : (resigned) Done

Daria : Including ten for the pizza, that's a total of fifty.

Quinn looks suprised as Daria hands the money over and heads out.

Daria : Oh, and Quinn? (Bt) Thanks

Daria exits, leaving a rather confused Quinn standing in the middle of her room, looking at the money in her hand. Smiling slightly, she puts the money on the dresser and returns to the bed.

Lawndale High, the next day

Jane : So, not only did you beat the rap, but you got you mother grounded for a week?

Daria : That's about the size of it. She apparently neglected to fully read the rules as they applied to the situation. Specifically, the rule requiring three days notice for mandatory events

Jane : Why was that in there?

Daria : Initially, to make life easier for her, and prevent us from hiding school trips so she wouldn't go on them. But I doubt that her grounding will last long…

Jane : Why is that?

Daria : Well, lets say that in Family Court, there are no conjugal visits permitted…

Jane : Ah, I see. (Bt) Unfortunately (Bt) New subject. Pizza tonight?

Daria : How about after school?

Jane : (mockingly) Aww, does someone have a date tonight?

Daria : I hate you …

Zoom out and fade to credits


	2. Memories - EAS 502

Memories ****

Memories

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #502

DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV's fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?

Open to a black screen. See a blurry view of Daria's room come into view as her eyes open. Daria's hands reach out to find her glasses.

Daria : (thought VO) Bed? How (reaching to get her glasses) Ow! My head hurts.

Camera pans out as Daria puts on her glasses. She is dressed in a long nightshirt. As she turns her head, we see her flinch as her eyes go wide. As the camera continues to pan out, we see a person-shaped lump asleep in the bed. Daria reaches down and gently shakes the lump.

Daria : (softly) C'mon. Time to get up.

Lump : (sleepy mumbling) Please mom, just a few more minutes

Daria : (soft deadpan) I'm not your mother, and no, you don't get a few more minutes.

Lump : Wha?

We see the covers pull back to reveal Tom dressed in a pair of boxer shorts, looking both tired and confused

Tom : Daria?

Daria : Sshhh. Don't want to make too much noise. I'm not sure who else is home.

Tom : Daria? (moves to sit up) Ouch!

Daria : Yeah, me too. (sheepishly) If I were to ask you something, would you promise not to get mad?

Tom : I promise

Daria : Um, (loaded pause) do you remember what happened last night?

Tom : (thinking) Well, I remember dinner, then an Italian film festival.

Daria : I remember that much. (softly) It's the part where we end up in bed together the next day that's a bit hazy…

Tom : Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't remember much after that either.

Daria : (softly with concern) Uh, Tom? (Bt) did we, um, well, (Bt) you know…

Tom : Did we (realizing what she's saying) Oh. (softly) Oh. (apologetic) I don't know. (Bt) would it be that bad if we did?

Daria : Yes, it would. (Tom gets a look of extreme disappointment, but Daria doesn't notice) I, well, (embarrassed) kind of wanted my first time to be (Bt) memorable. Romantic even. (Tom perks up significantly) I at least thought that I would remember it. (Bt) And if you tell anyone about any of this, I will kill you.

Tom : I see. Maybe we should find out if we did first before we get all worked up over it. (Bt) I'd hate to die needlessly.

Daria : You have a point, I guess. (Bt) Although you have a somewhat biased viewpoint here. (Bt, smirking) I'll let you live, for now. (Bt, nervously) Tom? Have you ever, uh, done IT before?

Tom : I've done a few things, but never IT

Daria : (thought VO) Do I want to hear this? (out loud) I see…

A door is heard slamming down the hall.

Quinn (VO) : Daria?

Daria : (softly) Damn. Tom, into the closet. Now.

Tom : (being pushed by Daria) OK, OK. I'm going.

There is a knock at the door. Daria walks over and opens it to reveal Quinn standing there.

Quinn : Daria?

Daria : For today at least

Quinn : On behalf of the fashion club, I must say that your behavior at my party was reprehensible

Daria : What?

Quinn : You heard me. (suspicious) Is something going on?

Daria : (thinking quickly) I was just amazed that you know a five-syllable word

Quinn : Ha ha, very funny. I'm smarter than I look you know

Daria : I certainly hope so.

Quinn : Hey! (Bt) I have to get going. Big sale at the mall.

Daria : Quinn? When are mom and dad getting back?

Quinn : Oh, sometime this afternoon, I think. (suspicious) why?

Daria : Just wondering if we get lasagna again tonight. (sigh) I guess we do

Quinn : Whatever. Oh, Daria?

Daria : Yes?

Quinn : Thanks for last night.

Quinn leaves as a puzzled Daria closes the door and sits on her bed for a second. Hearing the front door close, she gets up and walks over, opening the closet door

Daria : OK, out with you.

Tom : (exiting closet) You know, most girlfriends don't encourage their man to come out of the closet…

Daria : I guess I'm just special then.

Tom : So, where were we?

Daria : My parents were out of town apparently. There was a party. I appear to have made an entrance.

Tom : Memory coming back?

Daria : No. Discussion with Quinn. I acted 'reprehensibly', and she thanked me for it.

Tom : Wow, gratitude AND five syllable words. The mystery deepens. Did you tell her …

Daria : Hell no! (Bt) Not until I at least know what happened. (Bt) If ever.

Tom : Well, OK then.

Daria : OK

Tom : Alright. (Bt) This is a bit awkward

Daria : Yep.

Tom : So…

Daria : Tom? Would you have a problem with going home for a while? I need some time to (Bt) think about what happened, or didn't. (awkward pause) It's not like this happens every day

Tom : At least not that you can remember

Daria : Now that's not funny.

Tom : True enough. One more thing before I leave.

Daria : And that would be?

Tom : Could you help me find my pants?

Fade out as Daria blushes furiously.

Later in the day, Daria and Jane are sharing a booth and a pizza at the pizza parlor.

Jane : So how was the big night?

Daria : (concerned) And what exactly do you mean by that?

Jane : (startled) Nothing really. Just curious if you enjoyed the festival.

Daria : (relieved, but trying to hide it) The film festival. It was pretty good. Seen most of them before anyway.

Jane : Daria? Are you OK?

Daria : I'm fine Jane. Just a little tired.

Jane : Any particular reason?

Daria : A certain sibling woke me up this morning earlier than I would have liked. (thought VO) Yeah, Elsie's sibling, that is

Jane : So, before noon

Daria : You know me to well Jane.

Jane : And is this mystery sibling still alive?

Daria : I plead the fifth.

The next day (Monday morning), Daria and Jane are walking to school

Jane : Ready for another exciting day at Lawndale high?

Daria : (stopping momentarily) OK, who are you and what have you done with Jane?

Jane : Trent ran late last night. He left coffee. Or I THINK it was coffee. Whatever it was, it had a kick.

Daria : Oh. (pause) Uh Oh.

Jane : What?

Daria : We are being approached by Quinn's fan club.

Jane : Danger Daria Morgendorffer! Danger!

The three J's approach Daria and Jane as they continue walking

Joey : Hey Daria! Want me to carry your books?

Jeffy : I'll carry your backpack

Jamie : I'll carry you

Daria and Jane look a bit surprised as the 3J's fawn over Daria

Daria : Um, guys, isn't that Quinn over there? (points to the other side of the road)

Joey : Quinn! Hey, Quinn?

Jeffy : Quinn, need someone to carry your books?

Joey and Jeffy leave to assist Quinn. Daria looks back, and is surprised to see Jamie still hanging around.

Daria : Um, Jamie? Something wrong?

Jamie : You remembered my name!

Daria : You're sure that Quinn won't be mad at you?

Jamie : (sarcastically) No, she'll be mad at Joey or Jerome or someone like that

Jane : (puzzled, to Daria softly) Care to explain this?

Daria : (softly to Jane) Um, later?

Jane : I'll hold you to that.

Interior of Lawndale High, morning. Jane and Daria are at their lockers. Jamie is not with them.

Daria : (removing books) Who would have thought that Jamie was semi-intelligent?

Jane : With a mind of his own even? (pause – thinking) Does that mean that we can make people intelligent by keeping them away from Quinn?

The fashion club walks by, with Sandi giving Daria a nasty look. Jane and Daria watch as they walk by.

Daria : (smirking) I guess some are just beyond our help

Jane : Tell me about it. I've gotta catch Ms DeFoe before class starts. See you in hell?

Daria : I'll say hi to Mr O'Neil for you…

Kevin : Hey Daria!

Daria : (puzzled, to Jane) How about the roof?

Jane : Okay… What about class?

Daria : O'Neil. (Bt) We're reading Slaughterhouse Five. (Bt) You had some issues with the content, and I went to console you.

Jane : You? Console?

Daria : Console. Ridicule. There's really not much difference…

Jane leaves as Daria closes her locker. Kevin is still standing there.

Daria : Kevin? Did you want something?

Kevin : Naww. Just saying hi.

Daria : (suspicious) Kevin, this is the first time you've ever said hi to me without wanting something

Kevin : But you were like, really uncool then

Daria : And now I'm cool?

Kevin : (laughing) Nawww. But you're, like, not uncool anymore.

Daria : (amused) So I'm not cool, but I'm not uncool?

Kevin : Yeah!

Daria : (sardonic) I think that's the most sophisticated conversation I've ever had with you.

Kevin : Thanks!

Brittany (VO) : Kevvy?

Kevin : Oops, gotta go…

Daria looks puzzled as Kevin leaves

Daria (thought VO) : What the hell happened at that party?

Sandi : (Walking up to Daria) Um, like Quinn's sister or whatever? (Daria looks at her with surprise) I am here to inform you that due to your rude behavior, (looks nervous as Daria stares at her, but continues) the fashion club will never help you to remedy your fashion deficiencies.

Sandi turns and walks off, leaving a bemused and puzzled Daria

Daria : (to self) Damn. Does this mean I don't get that makeover now?

Cut to the roof. We see Daria sitting by the edge, looking over Lawndale with a somber gaze. Jane walks in from behind and sits down.

Jane : Hey Daria. (Bt) Daria? (Bt) Anyone home?

Daria : Huh? Oh, hi Jane. It's been a long day.

Jane : Um, Daria, its not even 9AM yet.

Daria : Thanks. That makes it much better.

Jane : Daria? Is something wrong?

Daria : No. I'm just so overcome with joy that I thought I'd get depressed to celebrate. (Bt) What else do misery chicks do for fun?

Jane : (warning tone) Daria

Daria : It's been a really strange weekend

Jane : Does this have anything to do with Jamie's magical transformation?

Daria : Probably. (Bt) Jane, um, (nervously) have you ever, uh, done (Bt) stuff with a guy?

Jane : (unsure) Stuff? I don't know… (gets it) Oh. I see. (Bt) Are you asking if I did anything with Tom?

Daria : I already know that … (gets an 'oops, what have I done?' look on her face)

Jane : What! (suspicious) Daria, is Tom trying to pressure you into something? (Bt) Have you already DONE anything?

Daria : (sheepishly) I don't know

Jane : I didn't think so (Bt, forceful realization) What did you just say?

Daria : I don't know.

Pan out as Jane looks at Daria with a mixture of concern and surprise. Cut to later in the day, still on the roof.

Jane : Let me get this straight. You don't remember anything from leaving the film festival to waking up in bed with Tom?

Daria : Aside from a massive headache, no.

Jane : And suddenly, everyone seems to think you're not as much of an outcast as before?

Daria : Well, not exactly. I just seem to be more respected for it. And Kevin actually talked to me. Without wanting something from me.

Jane : Strange. And you have no idea what actually happened in that time?

Daria : My parents were out of town, and Quinn threw a party. I showed up at some point, and apparently managed to get the head fashion fiend mad at me. Aside from that, I haven't the foggiest idea what happened.

Jane : And Tom?

Daria : Same situation. Except that he lost his pants.

Jane : Lost them?

Daria : Long story. And I can't even remember the important parts.

Jane : Tell you what. Let me see what I can get out of our wonderful classmates. (Bt) And when I can't find them, I'll have to resort to the usual morons.

Daria : (smirking) OK, fine by me. Just promise to tell me everything you find. (Bt) No matter how bad it is.

Jane : Deal.

Daria : (ominous) But if you tell anyone more than necessary…

Jane : (matter of fact) Then I die a horrible, painful death?

Daria : I've got to get some new threats.

Cut to the hallway inside Lawndale High

Jane : Kevin? Could I ask you a few questions?

Kevin : Ummm, OK.

Jane : I'm conducting a survey on what part of the party made Daria get cooler

Kevin : Why don't you just ask her?

Jane : (thinking quickly) I can't ask her. I can't let her know that she's cooler than me. (Bt, sinister) At least until I know how to get cool too

Kevin : Wow. That's sneaky.

Fade out as Jane and Kevin talk, with Jane taking notes.

Later that day, lunch room

Daria : So Ms private eye, did you find out anything interesting?

Jane : A little. According to Kevin, Sandi was being a real bitch at the party. Apparently she had too much to drink, and made the mistake of going after you and Tom when you arrived.

Daria : Wait. She attacked me?

Jane : A battle of wits, apparently. If its any consolation, I think you won pretty handily.

Daria : That's good to know. (Bt) Now I don't have to kill myself

Jane : You're not serious, I hope?

Daria : Don't worry Jane. I'm my usual cheerful self.

Jane : That's what I'm afraid of. (smirks)

Daria : So did Kevin tell you anything else useful?

Jane : Well, apparently he's the QB…

Daria : I'll take that as a no. (Bt) So nothing else yet?

Jane : No. Unfortunately, not everyone is as dumb as Kevin, so I have to be a little more subtle.

Daria : Good to know that Kevin does have some use to the world. (Bt) Um, Jane?

Jane : Yes?

Daria : Thanks for your discretion. I don't exactly want this getting out.

Jane : But you could be popular and respected!

Daria : My fear exactly.

Jane : (teasingly) Your secret is safe with me, O tortured one

Daria : You might not want to bring up torture to me right now…

Cut to later in the day, Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria enters with her book bag, and walks up to the refrigerator

Daria (thought VO) : Ugh. What a day.

Cut to the inside of the refrigerator. Daria reaches for a can of soda, but stops for a second and reaches toward the back, pulling out a yellow pitcher. Placing it on the table, she sits for a while just staring at the pitcher. She walks over to a cabinet, removing a glass and an unidentified object that she drops into her pocket. She returns to the table, pouring a glass from the pitcher and returning it to the refrigerator.

Cut to outside, driveway. We see Daria take a small sip from the glass, and then place it in the driveway. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a book of matches. Lighting one, she touches it to the glass and watches as it catches fire.

Daria (thought VO) : That's what I thought. (Bt) Kool Aid, liquor, and enough sugar to cover it up.

Daria watches as the glass continues to burn.

Cut to Daria's bedroom. Daria is sitting at the edge of her bed, staring into space.

Begin flashback sequence

Daria and Tom walking back from the film festival. Daria is wearing jeans rather than her black skirt, but is otherwise dressed normally. The Morgendorffer residence comes into view as they walk. There are several cars in the driveway, and loud music coming from inside.

Daria : Well, it looks like Quinn decided to take advantage of the parental desertion and throw a party. Wonderful.

Tom : Want to make an appearance?

Daria : What do you think? Lets sneak in the back. I need to pick up a few things. I wonder if Jane is home…

Tom : You could stay at my place

Daria : Oh, that would go over well…

Later, in the kitchen. Tom is sitting at the table. Loud music can be heard, but the kitchen is otherwise unoccupied.

Daria : (looking into refrigerator) Tom? You want anything to drink?

Tom : Well, what are my choices?

Daria : (pulling out pitcher) Is red OK?

Tom : Red? (sarcastically) It's my favorite

Slow zoom out as we see Daria pour two large glasses from a very familiar pitcher.

End flashback.

Daria : Aw, shit.

Quinn's door. Daria knocks. Cut to inside

Quinn : Yes?

Daria enters

Daria : Quinn? (Bt) You remember the party Saturday, right?

Quinn : (nervously) Yeah

Daria : Do you remember a yellow pitcher? (Bt) With the 'special' Kool-Aid inside?

Quinn : (worried, but trying to hide it) Yeah, what about it?

Daria : Its still in the refrigerator. You may want to take care of it before Mom and Dad find it and get suspicious.

Daria exits, leaving a puzzled Quinn sitting on her bed.

Quinn : (thought VO) That's strange. Usually…

Daria (VO) : I'll assume our usual $25 sibling special then?

Quinn : (thought VO) Better (out loud) Whatever Daria.

Cut back to Daria's room. Daria is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone

Daria : Tom?

Split screen between Tom and Daria

Tom : Oh, hi Daria. How are you doing?

Daria : (sighs) Its kind of a long story.

Tom : Um, that's a good thing, right?

Daria : Would you mind if I came over for a while? We need to talk, and these phones aren't always … secure

Tom : I see. (Bt) I'll pick you up? Half an hour or so?

Daria : OK. (Bt) Bye.

Cut to the living room. Daria is reading on the couch, waiting for Tom. She turns, and stares at the corner of the room, near the kitchen door.

Begin flashback sequence

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are in the corner talking as Quinn walks over.

Quinn : Oh, hi you guys! I'm so glad that you made it on such short notice!

Sandi : Well Quinn, I suppose we can overlook the short notice just this once. I mean, you only gave us eight hours to coordinate our wardrobes.

Sandi moves, stumbling slightly. She appears to have had a bit too much to drink.

Quinn : But Sandi! How could I have known that my mom would have to go out of town for that big case that was filed yesterday? Or that my father would go with her?

Sandi : (hostile) Well Quinn, that's the type of thinking that says "I am a fashion follower, not a leader". Perhaps you should take a fashion sabbatical to consider your actions

Quinn : (taken aback, Sandi is unusually confrontational tonight) But …

Stacy : Sandi, I think what she meant is that …

Sandi : (loudly) Stacy!

Stacy : Eep!

Sandi : (loudly, people are beginning to look at them) Do you, Stacy, as the SECRETARY wish to correct the Fashion Club PRESIDENT?

Stacy looks devastated, noticing that people are staring at them, and shrinks back into the corner. Quinn moves between Stacy and Sandi. Tiffany just looks like her normal stoned self.

Quinn : (firm, but controlled) Sandi! Why did you do that? (Bt) Stacy was just trying to help!

Sandi : I'm sorry Quinn, but as the President, it is my responsibility to run this club based on the best interests of fashion

Quinn : Actually Sandi, a President is supposed to consider their entire club when making a decision, not just themselves

Sandi : Oh, so now you're becoming a brain too? (Bt) Does that mean that you'll be dressing like that weird cousin of yours or whatever?

This attack really hits home. Quinn takes a step back, and is desperately trying to keep control in the face of the growing crowd of observers

Tiffany : Ewww. Like, what's SHE doing here?

Zoom out to show Daria opening the door to the kitchen. She has apparently been listening unobserved from the other side.

Sandi : Um, like Quinn's cousin or whatever?

Doorbell rings

End flashback, Daria is still sitting on the couch.

Daria : Damn.

Doorbell rings again. Daria opens the door to reveal Tom.

Tom : Ready?

Daria : I guess. (Bt) I think we had a rather interesting night Saturday…

Tom shoots her a strange look as they leave the house.

Tom's house later that day

Daria : So I remember walking into the party after listening to Sandi. That's when you showed up.

Tom : OK, that sounds right. Still doesn't answer THE question, but I guess we should be happy with what we have.

Daria : (sighing) I just want to know what's going on. (Bt) Is that too much to ask?

Daria takes off her glasses and rubs her face with her hands. As she looks up, she notices that Tom is staring at her.

Daria : (putting on glasses) What? Did I do something?

Tom : Daria, do you still have your contacts?

Daria : Um, yes… (Bt) Why?

Tom : It's just that …

Begin flashback sequence

Daria's room. Tom is sitting on the bed. Daria's usual outfit is sitting on the floor by the closet door.

Tom : Daria? What are you doing?

Daria : (VO, annoyed) Teaching that little twerp an object lesson.

Tom : Wow, this is really getting to you. (Bt) Mind if I ask why?

Daria : Perhaps it's the fact that the bitch is trying to undo all of the good that this summer did for Quinn. (Bt) Or perhaps I'm just tired of her treating everyone like dirt and getting away with it.

As she finishes, we see Daria emerge from her closet. She is wearing a tight-fitting black dress with a green sheen to it. She is wearing black gloves with a simple gold bracelet around her wrist, and a string of pearls about her neck. She is not wearing her glasses. The dress accentuates Daris's figure (as seen in Quinn the Brain). Tom just stares for a second at the 'new' Daria.

Tom : Wow. (Bt) You look great!

Daria : (dangerously) And how did I look before?

Tom : (cautiously) You looked great before. (Bt) You look great now. (Bt, with a smirk) You would even look great wearing nothing.

Daria : (bemused) Flatterer. (teasing) Maybe later, if you're good . (Bt) But for now, I've other fish to fry.

Daria and Tom head out of the room

Daria (VO) : Tom?

End flashback as Daria gently shakes Tom

Tom : Daria? You may want to sit down…

Cut to later that day, same setting

Daria : I see. (Bt) Interesting.

Tom : Which still leaves the question

Daria : What happened later?

Tom : Or before. (Bt) I'd like to know what Sandi did to get you so mad at her.

Daria : And what I did to her.

Cut to the next day, hallowed halls of Lawndale High. The fashion club is walking down the halls when Sandi notices Daria and Jane in the distance.

Sandi : Hey, Quinn, isn't that your sister?

Quinn : (venomous) Well, she DOES go to this school. (Bt, condescending) Or did you forget?

Sandi : Its just so hard to tell with an outfit like THAT.

Tiffany : Yeah. (Bt) Boots are, like, sooo wrong

Stacy : I know. I mean, what's the point of wearing a skirt if you can't show off your legs

Daria : (as the fashion club walks by) Perhaps to kick your scrawny little …

Sandi : Um, excuse me. The fashion club does NOT associate with, ugh, unfashionable losers, except to help them. (Bt) And you are clearly beyond our help.

Daria : (deadpan) I guess I'll just have to live my life without your shining example then. Perhaps someday, the meaning will return to my desolate world of fashion mediocrity.

Sandi : Well, OK then. I thought you'd see it my way.

Quinn looks at this exchange with a slight smirk – she realizes that Daria's sarcasm has gone completely unnoticed by Sandi. Stacy looks perplexed, as if she's not sure who won this exchange. Tiffany just looks confused (as usual).

As Daria walks away, Sandi gets an evil smirk on her face. Daria stops for a second, and turns back to look at Sandi with a pointed gaze. Sandi flinches. Daria shrugs, and walks off with a smirk on her face.

Tiffany : She was, like, so RUDE.

Stacy : (thought VO) Sandi or Daria? (out loud) I know. Can you believe that?

DeMartino's classroom, beginning of class. The chalkboard is covered in notes relating to WWI.

DeMartino : Good morning, STUDENTS! If it isn't too much TROUBLE for you to get up from your morning NAP, could SOMEONE tell me the major PROBLEM that the British and French had with the SOCIALIST REVOLUTION in Russia?

As Mr. DeMartino looks out at the class, there are no volunteers. In fact, most of the class barely looks awake.

DeMartino : KEVIN! Perhaps YOU could enlighten us with your PEARLS of WISDOM regarding the Russian Revolution?

Kevin : But Mr. D, pearls are for girls, not the QB!

DeMartino : Well, perhaps then you could simply ANSWER the QUESTION?

Daria : I'll take the Vegas odds on that one

Jane : If only there were some way to harness stupidity

Daria : You mean besides AOL?

Kevin : The Russian Revolution? (Bt) Is that like, a new running game for the Lions?

DeMartino : Why, THANK you KEVIN, for your inSIGNTFUL and ENterTAINING response. Now would someone who is a BIT less COMATOSE care to venture an ANSWER? BRITTANY?

Brittany : Um, they like, got mad because the Russians decided they were, like tired of fighting or something?

DeMartino : Why, Brittany! I believe that's as close to CORRECT as you have ever BEEN in my classroom!

Brittany : Um, OK!

Daria : Great. Just great.

Jane : What?

Daria : I had hoped that I'd be a bit older before the horsemen arrived…

Jane : (smirking) Daria's popular, and Brittany's a brain. Will the wonders never cease?

Party at the Morgendorffer Residence. Daria is standing facing the fashion club. Sandi is facing Daria with a cross look on her face. Stacy is half-collapsed in the corner. Quinn is standing between Sandi and Stacy , and is rapidly working to compose herself.

Pan out as we see a strange look on Daria's face. Continue to zoom out as we fade into a flashback

Sandi : Um, like Quinn's cousin or whatever?

Daria : (thought VO) Will wonders never cease? The head fashion fiend dares to speak to the unfashionable? (out loud, heavy sarcasm) Did you want something, Quinn's walking mannequin?

Sandi : (annoyed) I am the PRESIDENT of the FASHION club, and my NAME is Sandi.

Daria : Well, I am Quinn's SISTER and my NAME is Daria

Murmurs ripple through the crowd, who are watching with great interest. Quinn looks like she wants to die

Sandi : (loud, annoyed) Quinn Morgendorffer! (Bt) You have been LYING to us about this, ugh, person who claims to be your SISTER?

Daria : Gee Sandi, are you really that STUPID?

Sandi : (distracted from her Quinn tirade) And what is that supposed to mean?

Daria : Gee, I wonder. (Bt) My first week in school, I announce to the entire student body that I am Quinn's sister. (Bt) I have the same last name, live in the same house, and the hypothetical 'parents' that left me there have never once come to Lawndale. (Bt) So I will ask again. Are you really so STUPID and GULLIBLE that you couldn't figure it out? (Bt, smirk) Perhaps the fashion club needs a leader with more intelligence than the clothes she is wearing…

Sandi : (loudly) WHAT?

Daria : (condescendingly) I'm sorry. Would you like me to repeat that slowly, and with simpler words so you can understand?

Sandi : (trying to regain the upper hand) Why would I listen to a LOSER like you. You will always be alone, with no friends and no life. (Bt) After all, why would anyone be interested in someone dressed like THAT? (pointing at Daria's clothing)

Before Daria can respond, Tom comes up from behind her. He spins her around and gives her a big kiss, and the two of them walk off towards the stairs.

Daria : (to Tom) Thanks…

Tom : Anytime

DeMartino (VO) : How about you Ms. Morgendorffer?

End flashback, returning to DeMartino's classroom. Mr. Demartino is standing in front of Daria's desk, waiting for a more complete answer to his original question.

Daria : (sighs) The Bolsheviks, led by Lenin, pulled out of WWI due to the enormous casualties and lack of equipment for their troops. They felt that they needed to solve their internal problems first, and that the war was an unnecessary drain on their resources. The British and French, who were engaged in a bloody war of attrition on the Western front, took particular offense to the Russian action, as it allowed Germany to concentrate on a single front.

DeMartino : Very GOOD Daria. Do any of you other PROMising young people have anything to add?

Cut to lunch, later that day. Daria and Jane are staring at their lunches with bemusement.

Jane : And today's entrée is, um, brown, with sides of red and white

Daria : (offhandedly) I think I've had enough red, thank you.

Jane : Huh?

Daria : Long story.

Jane : We've got time…

Cut to later, still at lunch

Daria : And then, we headed back down to the party. After that, I'm still not sure.

Jane : Wow. A real showdown at the Morgendorffer Corral. I wish I had been there.

Daria : Jane, next time I get drunk and cut down idiots in front of the entire popular crowd, I'll be sure to let you know.

Jane : (faux gratitude) Why, thanks! That means so much to me.

Daria : I hate you.

Jane : (faux anger) Hey! Be nice, or I won't share mine.

Daria : Oh, sure, kick me when I'm down. (Bt) Your turn.

Jane : Well, apparently when you came back to the party, you made quite the impression…

Daria : With a golf club, hopefully?

Jane : Not exactly…

Cut to flashback sequence. Party, later in the night. The Fashion Club has moved more into the center of the room, with the 3J's in close attendance. Jane is standing in the corner.

Daria (VO) : Um, Jane? You weren't at the party…

Jane (VO) : Hey! This is my story, and I'll tell it as I see fit

Daria (VO) : (sighs) If you must

Jane (VO) : (playfully) Now that's the Daria we know and love

Daria (VO) : I will kill you for this. When you least expect it.

Return to flashback proper

Sandi : So Quinn, perhaps you could tell me why that sister of yours or whatever thinks she can talk to me that way. After all, I AM the fashion club PRESIDENT

Tiffany : Sister? But … I thought she was … your cousin or something…

Quinn : (ignoring Tiffany) Well, um, Daria kind of, uh, doesn't care about that sort of stuff…

Sandi : Quinn Morgendorffer. Are you implying that a proper fashion choice is not worthy of her attention?

Quinn : (nervously) No, (Bt, more confidently) I'm just saying that Daria doesn't worry about fashion

Sandi : But shouldn't our VICE PRESIDENT be able to convince the unfashionable of the error of their ways?

Quinn : Sandi, she's a brain, you know. (Bt) I've almost never seen anyone convince her of anything

Sandi : Well that is why you are only the VICE president Quinn. If I had to live with her, she would probably be IN the fashion club

Quinn : (under breath) no, she'd have killed you (out loud) Like you did tonight?

Sandi : Trust me. If I see her again, you will see why I am PRESIDENT

Daria (VO) : I'd take you up on that, but I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person

Pan out as Daria enters, dressed to kill. Tom is dressed as usual.

Kevin (VO) : Wow Daria! You look hot!

Jamie : Whoa…

Sandi : And what is THAT supposed to mean?

Daria : It means that while I can always look fashionable, you will still be an idiot.

Sandi turns to respond to Daria and notices her outfit for the first time. She face-faults, just staring for a few seconds.

Quinn : (sarcastically) Wow, Sandi. I am truly impressed with your presidential handling of this matter.

========== Begin Commercial Break ============

Daria (VO) : Dammit Jane! NO COMMERCIALS!

Jane (VO) : But this is MY flashback

Daria (VO) : Jane…

Jane (VO) : But the drama! The suspense!

Daria (VO) : The new corpse in the cafeteria?

Jane (VO) : Fine. Spoilsport.

Sandi turns to stare at Quinn with a mean glare, which she holds for a second. Moving quickly, she grabs a glass of soda and spins to throw it at Daria. Jamie notices this and tries to grab her arm to stop her. Unfortunately, this merely throws off her aim, and the entire contents of the glass land on Tom

Tom : Gee, thanks. (Bt) Next time, I'd prefer my drink in a glass.

Daria : I rest my case.

Sandi : Johnny! How could you do that!

Quinn : Sandi! Johnny was just trying to keep you from making a scene. Calm down.

Daria walks over to Jamie and puts her hand on his shoulder while Quinn and Sandi are arguing.

Daria : Thank you (firmly) Jamie

Jamie : You remembered my name!

Daria : Yes, I did. Its not like its all that difficult or anything.

Jamie : I know…

As Daria walks back to talk with Tom, Jamie looks at her with a combination of puzzlement and admiration. Quinn and Sandi are still arguing, oblivious to the whole exchange. We see that Tom has been pretty well soaked, but is taking it pretty well.

Daria : Sorry about that. You OK?

Tom : I suppose. Just a bit wet. (Bt) Who was that guy?

Daria : Oh, that's Jamie. One of Quinn's flunkies. (Bt) Lets get you upstairs and out of those wet clothes.

Tom : (overly romantic) Darling! I thought you'd never ask!

Daria blushes slightly as they leave the room. We see Jamie still staring in the same direction.

Jamie : (softly) Flunky?

End flashback sequence. Back at the cafeteria, Lawndale High

Daria : Do I want to know how you found this out?

Jane : I can't tell you. (Bt) I promised.

Daria : (suspicious) Okay…

Jamie walks up to the table with Daria and Jane. Jane looks concerned for a second, but quickly covers it up. Daria notices this slip with amusement.

Jamie : Hi Daria, Jane. Enjoying your lunch?

Daria : Jamie, this is Lawndale High. What do you think?

Jamie : (chuckles) Good point.

Jane : Hey! They've been trying to improve the food ever since those health inspectors came down with anthrax. Can you guess what today's secret ingredient is?

Daria : (tasting food) MDMA?

Jamie is about to say something else when Jodie walks up to the table.

Jodie : Hey! Mind if I sit down? (Bt) Jamie?

Jamie : Hi Jodie. I was just leaving.

Jamie leaves for the football table as Jodie takes a seat.

Daria : So what do you need from us now? Please tell me we aren't up for another 'voluntary' fundraiser…

Jodie : Well, I haven't seen Ms. Li this afternoon, so I can't say for certain

Jane : Then what brings you to our world?

Jodie : (to Daria) I just wanted to warn you that Brittany is convinced that you're trying to steal Kevin from her

Jane : Daria? Steal Kevin from her?

Daria : Let's not be too hasty. (Bt, Jodie and Jane give her strange looks) If I did steal him, could I drop him off at a good chop shop?

Jane : (chuckling) Good Times Chinese restaurant?

Jodie : Don't go there Jane.

Brittany (VO) : Oh, there you are Daria…

Jodie : Uh-oh. (Bt) Maybe I should leave

Jane : Naw. Sit and watch the carnage.

Brittany walks up to the table.

Brittany : Daria?

Daria : I have been known to answer to that name, yes

Brittany : Why are you trying to steal my Kevie from me?

Daria : Brittany, I HAVE a boyfriend. I have no interest in Kevin. (Bt) Ever.

Brittany : Then why was he looking at you like that?

Daria : Like what? Why don't you ask Kevin?

Brittany : Kevin? Why would he tell me? (Bt, hair twirl) When you stole Tom, did you tell Jane?

Daria looks a bit uncomfortable at Brittany's question, and turns a bit

Jane : Yes, she did.

Brittany : Oh. (Bt) Just stay away from him

Brittany walks off

Daria : Well, that was, (Bt) interesting.

Jodie : I'd watch it. She's convinced that you're after Kevin

Daria : With a knife?

Jodie : Seriously. I heard that she's actually been studying

Jane : Kevin must really enjoy that

Jodie : No, I mean studying. As in reading books.

Daria : Seriously? (Bt) With words and everything?

Jodie : She figures that she needs to be a brain to compete

Jane : (laughing) Brittany? A brain? You have GOT to be kidding

Daria : If I were a nicer person, I might actually TRY to take him away from her, for her benefit.

Jodie : But?

Daria : But the penalty for murder is just too high.

Kevin (VO) : Hey, Daria?

Daria : Anyone know where I could dump a body?

Cut to after school, Jane and Daria are walking home as Jamie comes up alongside

Jane : So Trent and the band have a gig coming up this Saturday out in Freemont. Are you up for a road trip?

Daria : Sure. Why not.

Jane : You can even invite young Thomas if you want.

Daria : Sorry, you're out of luck. He's out of town this weekend. You'll have to torment me yourself.

Jamie : Um, Daria? Could I ask you a question?

Jane : You just did

Jamie : Uh, well, …

Daria : Jamie, if you want to ask me something, just do it. You don't need my permission.

Jamie : Well, Daria, why aren't you popular?

Daria : I'm not sure I understand what you mean

Jamie : Well, its just that you can make yourself really pretty if you want. Maybe not as much as Quinn …

Daria : I don't know if I should thank you or smack you for that

Jane : Smack him! (Bt, to bemused looks) Please?

Daria : Oh, shut up Jane.

Jamie : Sorry! (Bt) I didn't mean it that way.

Daria : Don't worry about it. (Bt) Was there anything else?

Jamie : Well, since you could be popular if you wanted to, then you must not want to be popular.

Daria : True enough.

Jamie : So, why not?

Daria : Jamie, Quinn is popular, correct?

Jamie : (warily) Yes

Daria : What about Quinn's friends? How would you describe Quinn and her friends?

Jamie : Well, they're, um, (Bt, thinking) pretty?

Daria : And what would you say about me?

Jamie : (nervously) You're, um, (Bt) smart and nice, if a bit weird

Daria : You've known Quinn and her friends for two years, and you describe them as pretty. You know me for a few days, and describe me as smart and nice. (Bt) Does that tell you anything?

Jamie : (thinking) Oh. I see. (Bt) Thanks.

Jamie walks off, leaving Jane and Daria alone again

Jane : Building up a harem?

Daria : (warning) Jane…

Jane : Oh, come on. You must admit that its pretty amusing, no?

Daria : I suppose. (Bt) I wonder if she'll notice?

Jane : No, two is more than enough to fight over her

Daria : Probably true…

Cut to later that day, Casa Lane, Jane's room. Daria is laying on Jane's bed as Jane paints at a canvas.

Daria : This is just weird

Jane : You say that every day

Daria : Well, this is exceptionally weird. It turns out that all I had to do to become popular was get drunk and dress like a tramp.

Jane : Most people don't figure that out until they're in college.

Daria : Just promise me that if I ever become the keg queen, you'll do the right thing.

Jane : Would you prefer leeches, or a simple beating?

Trent (VO) : Hey, Janey?

Jane : Yes, Trent?

Trent enters the room

Trent : Janey, do you know what happened to that pizza in the refrigerator?

Jane : Trent, that was last week. Mystik Spiral finished it after their practice.

Trent : Bummer. (Bt) Hey Daria

Daria : Hey. Sorry about the pizza.

Trent : That's OK. I should get some sleep anyway.

Daria : Yeah, we were just saying that you didn't get enough sleep.

Trent : God one, Daria.

Daria : Trent?

Trent : Yeah?

Daria : What do you do when people don't understand why you stick with your music? (Bt) Like your family?

Trent : Well, usually I get drunk and tell everybody off right before I pass out. (Bt) When I wake up, I usually have to leave pretty quickly

Jane : (laughing) Preferably in someone else's car.

Pan out to see Daria just staring at Trent. The phone rings, startling Daria. Jane answers.

Jane : Yes? (Bt) Yes? (Bt) OK, I'll tell him. (Bt) Bye.

Jane : (turning towards Trent) Trent? You have a rehearsal at Jesse's.

Trent : When?

Jane : An hour ago.

Trent : Oh, then I should probably get going. Later.

Trent leaves as Jane turns to look at Daria

Daria : Oh my god! I'm becoming Trent!

Jane : Oh, calm down. (Bt) I'm sure you have a while before the beard grows in

Daria : Your concern is overwhelming

Jane : Hey, anything for a friend.

Daria : Hate to see how you treat your enemies then

Daria flops down on the bed as Jane continues to paint.

Jane : Daria? (Bt) Daria? (Bt) You alive over there?

Jane walks over to check on a now sleeping Daria laying on the bed. As she does, we see her painting. It is a scene from the Wizard of Oz, with Daria as Dorthy, Sandi the Wicked Witch of the East lying beneath her house, and the munchkin faces bearing a striking similarity to Jeffy, Joey, Jamie, and Kevin.

Jane : (softly) If you wanted to be more like Trent, you picked a good start…

Cut to halls, Lawndale High. We see Daria walking down the hall. She is wearing blue jeans and a tight black shirt that emphasizes a significantly more substantial figure than we saw earlier, and is wearing her contacts. The three J's and Kevin are walking along with her.

Joey : Hey Daria, do you have a date for tonight?

Jamie : Wanna go to the movies with me?

Jeffy : I'll take you to Chez Pierre…

Kevin : But I'm the QB!

Daria : Guys, guys. Relax.

Jeffy : So who are you gonna go with?

Joey : Pick me!

Kevin : Now way Joey. I'm the QB!

Daria : Will you all stop! (The four turn and look at Daria) How about this? Joey and Kevin can go out with me tonight. (Bt) Tomorrow, Jeffy and Jamie can take me to Chez Pierre?

Kevin : But I can't go on a date with another guy! I'm the QB!

Daria : (Quinn-esque) Kevin, what if one of you gets sick, or whatever? You wouldn't want me to risk being ALONE for the whole night, would you?

Kevin : Oh, yeah, sorry.

Jeffy : But what do we do tonight?

Daria : Why don't you call Quinn? (Bt) She's trying to become a BRAIN.

Jamie : Why would she do that? Who needs brains when you're pretty and popular?

Jane : (walking by) Obviously not you…

Daria : As if. The black and red look is like, so yesterday. And those earrings? Don't get me started…

Fade to next scene as Daria wakes in Jane's bed with a start

Jane : Daria? Are you OK?

Daria : Jane? (_looks around_) Damn subconscious. (Bt) Jane? If I ever start dating Kevin …

Jane : (chuckling) Kevin? (sees a concerned look on Daria's face) Don't worry. It'll be quick and painless.

Daria : Always good to know who your friends are. (Bt) I'll let you know when I find out.

Jane : (smirking) Sure, you say that now. But just wait. You'll come crawling back…

Daria : You gonna break my legs now?

Jane : Don't tempt me.

Cut to later that night. Daria is sitting on her bed, staring at the closet. Something catches her eye, and she walks over towards the closet and picks up a towel and stares at it for a second.

Begin flashback sequence

Daria's room, night of the party. The door opens as a dressed-up Daria and a rather wet Tom walk through the door.

Daria : Just have a seat. I'll go find a towel.

Tom : Thanks

Daria : Oh, and if anyone comes looking for the makeout room …

Tom : I'll get you a good price

Daria smirks as she leaves the room. She comes back shortly with a familiar looking towel.

Daria : Here you go.

Tom : Great. (takes off shirt and starts to dry off) Next time you go tilting at windmills, warn me to wear a raincoat?

Daria : Whatever you say, Sancho…

Tom : Hey! (looks a little nervous) Um, Daria?

Daria : Yes?

Tom : Uh, my pants are wet too, you know

Daria : And? (Bt) Oh. Um, (mumbles)

Tom : Run that by me again?

Daria : (nervously) Go ahead.

Tom : Are you OK with this?

Daria : (with more conviction) Yes, I am. You should dry off.

Tom nervously takes his pants off and starts to dry off. Daria simply stares at him for a few moments, with a look of interest on her face

Tom : Daria? (Bt) Daria?

Daria : (shaking it off) Sorry. (Bt, meekly) Just, um, not what I was expecting from tonight.

Tom : You want I should dance around in my underwear and start singing? I'll need some sunglasses and a ladel.

Daria : (smirking) Don't bother. I don't have a webcam.

Tom : (concerned) You saw?

Daria : Yep. Let me see those clothes. (Bt) I'll see if I can get them washed for you.

Daria leaves the room carrying Tom's clothing. Fade to later, as Daria comes in wearing a disgusted expression. As the camera pans around, we see Tom is now in Daria's bed, under the covers.

Tom : Daria? You OK? (Bt) Anybody home?

Daria : (shell-shocked) Ewww….

Tom : Um, I could leave

Daria : You'd think the pads would chafe…

Tom : Um, Daria? (Bt, forcefully) Daria?

Daria : Huh? (Bt) Oh, sorry.

Tom : You OK over there?

Daria : I suppose (Bt, sigh) Well, I made it to the laundry room

Tom : (warily) OK…

Daria : Kevin beat me to it. (Bt) Did you know that he always wears those stupid pads?

Tom : Always?

Daria : Even when he's, um, …

Tom : Ewww…

Daria : Yup. My thoughts exactly. (Bt) Um, if you don't mind a change of subject, (Tom nods) why are you in my bed?

Tom : Um, your sister came looking for you. I figured that she probably shouldn't find me here in my underwear, so I got under the covers and said that I had a headache.

Daria : And me?

Tom : You were looking for aspirin.

Daria : Works for me. (Bt) Excuse me. I'd like to slip into something more comfortable.

Tom : (jokingly) Want any help?

Daria : After what I just saw, no. (shudders, walks into the closet)

Daria emerges wearing her nightshirt and proceeds to take out her contacts. Finished, she puts on her glasses and heads to bed

Daria : Up for a bit of TV until I can get into the laundry room without throwing up?

Tom : Sure. (Bt) What's on?

Daria : Lets see… Titanic (Bt) No (Bt) Waif Fashion Extravaganza (Bt) No (Bt) Shawshank Redemption. Tom?

Tom : Sounds good to me…

Zoom out on Daria and Tom sitting under the covers watching the movie, making comments to each other periodically.

Cut to later in the night. Tom and Daria are now slumped over, and are half watching the movie and half asleep

Still later, the same night. Both Tom and Daria are asleep now. A loud commercial rouses Daria enough to turn off the TV before she goes back to sleep.

End Flashback

Daria : (still holding towel, but smiling somewhat) It would appear that we didn't. Thank God. (Bt) Note to self. Never trust the refrigerator when Quinn has a party.

Daria walks back towards her bed, throwing the towel off to the side. She is about to sit down, when she turns with a flash of frightened inspiration

Helen (VO) : (loudly) Daria! (Bt, getting closer) Daria! (Bt) Why were Tom's pants in the laundry room?

Daria : Aw, hell…

Zoom out and fade to credits


	3. A Small Stumble for Stacy - EAS 503

A Small Stumble for Stacy

A Small Stumble for Stacy

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #503

DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV's fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?

Morning in Lawndale. Jane and Daria are walking to school along the streets of Lawndale.

Jane : So we got a call from Wind last night.

Daria : Wind? (Bt) New wife?

Jane : He didn't say. He asked if anyone had stopped by looking for him.

Daria : And who would anyone be?

Jane : Ex-wives, current wives, IRS agents, repo-men, and the odd bookies.

Daria : Current Wives? As in plural?

Jane : Lets just say that he's afraid to visit most of the west coast now…

Daria : I see. I guess the normalacy gene is missing from the Lane genetic code.

Jane : That's probably the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Daria : Don't let it go to your head.

Jane : Hey, are you busy tonight? Midterms are coming up, and I could use a bit of help with math.

Daria : A bit of help?

Jane : It's either ask you, or start praying for divine inspiration.

Daria : You know, you could just start studying the text.

Jane : (smirking) I'm not THAT desperate…

Later that day, Mr. DeMartino's classroom. We see the chalkboard covered with notes regarding the end of WWI. Quinn and the Fashion Club are sitting towards the back of the class. Tiffany and Sandi are reading Waif magazine, Stacy has a copy on her desk, but is trying to take notes, and Quinn is taking notes quite studiously.

DeMartino : CLASS, can anyone name the TREATY that ended the FIRST world war? (looking around) Tiffany?

Tiffany : Uhh … Treaty ?

DeMartino : Tiffany! Would it be TOO much to ASK for you demonstrate at least SOME degree of actual THOUGHT?

Tiffany : Um, … Yeah

DeMartino : (looking both amused and frustrated) Could someone ELSE with an IQ higher than a GOLDFISH provide an answer?

Tiffany : But goldfish are, like sooo fattening

Mr. DeMartino shoots a glare of disbelief at Tiffany, then begins the search for a new victim. Spying Stacy with a notebook open and magazine closed, he zeroes in on his new target.

DeMartino : STACY? Can you name the treaty that ended the First World War?

Stacy gets a 'deer caught in the headlights' look. She looks at Sandi, who is reading a magazine and oblivious to the whole exchange. She then looks to Quinn, who is looking at her with an encouraging stare.

Stacy : (nervously) Um, (pause, meekly) the Treaty of Versailles?

DeMartino : Very GOOD Stacy! Now if its not too UNREASONABLE, could you name a SINGLE condition of the treaty?

Stacy : (frightened) Conditions? (tentatively) Germany, like, had to pay, uh, retribution?

DeMartino : CLOSE, Ms. Rowe. That would be reparations. (turning to the class) Can anyone else name a condition of the treaty?

The class is utterly silent, without a single volunteer. Quinn looks like she wants to answer, but is holding back for some reason.

DeMartino : (exasperated) OK, for EACH condition that you STUDENTS can name, I will give that HYPOTHETICAL student ONE point of extra credit on the upcoming MIDTERM

Despite this offer, the class is still silent, with no-one volunteering. Towards the rear, we see Quinn slowly raising a tentative hand.

DeMartino : Ms. Morgendorffer, would YOU care to ENLIGHTEN us on the TREATY of VERSAILLES?

Quinn : (under breath) Thank you Daria (to class) The Treaty of Versailles ended WWI. The treaty created a League of Nations similar to today's United Nations, but without enforcement powers.

DeMartino : Thank you QUINN.

Quinn : (continuing undaunted) The treaty also codified the principle of self-determination, through which several Balkan republics were created. France was granted control of the Rhineland as a war reparation, and the patent for aspirin was taken from the Bayer company. Germany's armed forces were strictly curtailed, with tank development prohibited and a size limitation on their armed forces.

DeMartino : (surprised) Um, EXCELLENT WORK. That's (pause, counting) an extra five POINTS on the MIDTERM. (Bt) Would anyone ELSE like to try?

Cut to later, end of class.

DeMartino : STACY? Could I see you AFTER CLASS please?

Stacy : (meekly) Eep!

As the rest of the Fashion Club leaves the room, Sandi and Tiffany look as if they hadn't noticed Stacy's plight, whereas Quinn is looking on with concern.

Cut to outside of class, in the hallway. We see Quinn coming up to Daria and Jane, who are at their lockers between classes.

Quinn : Daria?

Daria : Yes Quinn?

Quinn : I just wanted to thank you for your advice. (smiles) Earned me five points on the midterm. (Bt) Gotta check my makeup. Bye!

Jane : What advice would this be?

Daria : First, that Mr. DeMartino tends to focus on wars. Second, he has been known to make unusual offers if he thinks that nobody knows the answer. (Bt) It would appear that Quinn put two and two together and managed to get the better of him.

Jane : Shouldn't this worry her? He's not exactly the most ... stable individual.

Daria : Never fear. He likes it when students challenge him. Proves they're awake.

Jane : At the moment, at least.

Daria : Hey, any port in a storm.

Jane smirks as the two head off to class.

Mr. O'Neil's classroom. We see Daria, Jane, and the usual crowd in attendance, and the blackboard is littered with notes about WWII, bombers, and plum tomatoes.

O'Neil : Good day, class. Today, we'll be discussing Catch-22. Can anyone explain what a Catch-22 is? Kevin?

Kevin : Isn't that a rifle? My Dad always uses a .22 to catch squirrels in the backyard.

O'Neil : (sighing) That's, uh, very interesting Kevin. Could we talk after class?

Kevin : OK!

O'Neil : Would anyone else like to try?

Jodie raises her hand

O'Neil : Yes? Jodie?

Jodie : The concept of a Catch-22 comes from the regulations permitting a pilot to be grounded due to insanity. While insanity is a legitimate reason to ground an aviator, the regulations state that anyone requesting to be grounded must be sane, and therefore capable of flying the mission. Basically, the regulations are crafted in such a way as to make it impossible to be taken off the flight roster.

O'Neil : Excellent Jodie. That's very good. (scanning the class) Does anyone have another example? Daria?

Daria : Well, I would have to say that this class is a Catch-22. If you answer the question incorrectly, you simply ask someone else. If, however, you give a correct answer, you are so encouraged that you continue with the same topic. So no matter what action we take, you will continue asking us the same question.

O'Neil : (retreating slightly) Uh, that's very good Daria.... Moving on …

Cut to later, end of class.

O'Neil : Class, for next week, I would like you do a 1000 word report on a real-life Catch-22 situation.

Daria : Does that mean that I get to bomb Lawndale? And get paid for it?

Jane : Doubtful, as it would require some form of military base somewhere nearby.

Daria : I suppose Lawndale isn't a particularly attractive town to invade.

Jane : But just think of the military potential of the Giant Strawberry.

Daria : Yeah, that and a dairy farm, and you could have the worlds biggest strawberry shortcake.

Girls bathroom, later that day. Quinn and Stacy are at the mirrors. Stacy looks concerned, and is hyperventilating slightly.

Quinn : Stacy? (Bt) Stacy! Calm down! (concerned) What's wrong?

Stacy: (hyper) DeMartino .. assignment .. midterm …

Quinn : Uh, Stacy? Could you slow down a bit?

Stacy looks at Quinn with a weak smile

Stacy : Oh, yeah. (Bt) Mr. DeMartino thinks that I could be doing much better in class than I am. He's concerned that the Fashion Club is a bad influence on me.

Quinn : But why now? He's never mentioned this before…

Stacy : (meekly) I never actually answered correctly before…

Quinn : Oh. So what's the big problem?

Stacy : If I don't do better, he'll call my parents. (sobbing) They'll make me quit the fashion club!

Quinn : How can he make you choose between fashion and school? That's just unfair! (thinking) What if you do improve?

Stacy : Then everything is OK.

Quinn : So what's the problem?

Stacy : (hyperventilating slightly) Well, if I take the time to study, Sandi will kick me out anyway…

Quinn : But the midterm's not for another week or so!

Stacy : (dejectedly) He gave me a special assignment due Monday. And there's the fashion …

Quinn : … extravaganza this weekend. (Bt) Um, Stacy? If you want, I could try and help you with the assignment.

Stacy : (excited) Oh, thank you Quinn!

Stacy gives Quinn a big hug

Quinn : (surprised, a bit awkwardly) Um, Stacy?

Stacy : Sorry. (backs away) Quinn? What about Sandi?

Quinn : (loaded) Don't worry about Sandi. I can handle her.

Quinn and Stacy leave the bathroom. As we hear the door shut, we see Daria emerge from one of the stalls with a look of inspiration on her face. Removing a notepad, she starts jotting down ideas as we fade out.

Pizza King that night. Daria and Jane are sitting in a booth, sharing a pizza.

Daria : I think I have a topic for O'Neil's silly assignment.

Jane : (mouth full) Oh?

Daria : That's beautiful. (Bt) I was inspired this afternoon.

Cut to later, Daria is finishing recounting the events in the bathroom

Daria : So she needs to do well to stay in the Fashion club, but in order to do well, she'll get kicked out of the fashion club…

Jane : But hasn't Quinn been doing much better as well?

Daria : Sure, get technical. (Bt) The difference is that Quinn has a spine. (mocking) A cute little spine with tiny little pores.

Jane : I wonder if Mr. DeMartino is doing this for Stacy's benefit, or simply because it causes the Fashion Club discomfort?

Daria : Since it does both, I think we're looking at a win-win situation for him.

Jane : And for the Fashion Club?

Daria : Hmm. (Bt) You can't win, you can't break even, and the rules are fixed.

Jane : You're loving this, aren't you?

Daria : Every minute (smirks)

Jane : So when is Tom picking you up for the Friday date?

Daria : (checking watch) Oh, in another 166 hours or so…

Jane : Huh?

Daria : He's out of town for the weekend. (Bt) Visiting Harvard, Yale, Cornell, and Fenway Park.

Jane : Fenway?

Daria : Apparently, his father is a big Red Sox fan.

Jane : An eternal optimist?

Daria : Don't say that to him. He gets very protective of his team.

Jane : Sounds like the voice of experience. So you wanna come over tonight?

Daria : Sure. I have a feeling that our parents have done some 'scheduling' for the typical Friday date time that I would prefer not to impose on.

Jane : OK, more than I needed to know.

Daria : Oh, come on. (teasing) You'll never look at pancakes quite the same way again …

Zoom out as Jane covers her ears and ducks into the corner of the booth as Daria smirks.

Morgendorffer house that evening. Quinn and Stacy are sitting in the living room. Scattered about are a series of notepads and textbooks. Quinn is alternating between studying and helping Stacy, and Stacy is looking through various textbooks taking notes. Daria enters through the front door.

Daria : OK, who are you, and what have you done with my sister?

Stacy : (frightened) Eep! I'm Stacy! Quinn is right here! (panicking) Please don't hurt me!

Daria sighs and takes a small step towards Stacy. Stacy panics, stumbling backwards and falling onto the couch.

Daria : (sighs, slightly condescending monotone) Relax Stacy. I'm not going to hurt you. I just was wondering why Quinn is in studying on a Friday night.

Quinn : I'm trying to help Stacy on her assignment for Mr. DeMartino so she can still make it to the fashion extravaganza this weekend.

Daria : Gotta keep those priorities in order.

Quinn : Look Daria. I know you think fashion is a big joke, but some of us actually like to look good.

Daria : As opposed to us poor losers who want people to like us for who we are instead of what we wear? (Bt) What's the big deal about missing the extravaganza anyway? Its not like Cashmans is going anywhere.

Stacy : But if I miss the extravaganza, Sandi will kick me out of the fashion club!

Daria : So?

Quinn : Just because you don't like the Fashion Club is no reason to make fun of us.

Daria : (sighing) I'm not making fun of you for being in the fashion club, at least not yet. I was merely wondering why you would stay in a club that consigns you to be Sandi's slave.

Stacy : (confused) Huh?

Quinn : She wants to know what the point is of being in a club where Sandi can tell us what to do all the time.

Stacy : But if I'm not in the fashion club, who would my friends be?

Daria : (thinking for a second) If they're only your friends because you're in the fashion club, are they really your friends?

Stacy : (sadly) They're all I have…

Daria gives Stacy a look of pitying concern. As Stacy begins to deflate, Quinn notices Stacy's condition.

Quinn : (trying to change the subject) Daria? Do you know anything about the causes of WWII?

Daria : What? Oh, yeah, I guess. Why?

Quinn : Well, Stacy has an assignment from Mr. DeMartino to relate the principle causes of World War Two to the Treaty of Versailles.

Daria : Ugh. I'm sorry. What did you do to deserve this?

Stacy : (meekly) I guess I'm not as stupid as he thought…

Daria : I doubt anyone could be. (Quinn shoots Daria a dirty look) OK, I'll help you on one condition.

Quinn : (worried) Which is?

Daria : I'll help you resolve your situation with DeMartino if I can use the situation in my report for Mr. O'Neil.

Quinn : Stacy?

Stacy : (nervous) Um …

Daria : It's up to you Stacy.

Stacy : (softly) Uh, OK?

Daria : Are you free to work on it tomorrow? Say about five?

Stacy : Um, (looks at Quinn)

Quinn : Five should be fine.

Daria : Well, OK then. I'll see you then.

Daria heads upstairs. Stacy looks worried, the stress of actually making decisions being almost too much for her. Quinn looks a little disappointed at Stacy, but returns to helping her with the project.

The same evening, in the Morgendorffer kitchen. The Morgendorffers are sitting down to dinner (lasagna again).

Helen : So, girls, did anything interesting happen at school? (to the silence) Quinn?

Quinn : (Quinn-hyper mode) Well, Stacy got this big special assignment from Mr. DeMartino, but its like due Monday and she needed help in getting it all done, so Daria's going to help us out tomorrow so we can still get to the fashion extravaganza …

Helen : Daria? What exactly are you planning?

Daria : (innocently) Whatever do you mean?

Helen : I'm assuming that you aren't doing this out of the goodness of your heart

Daria : (faux outrage) Mom, I'm insulted.

Silence as Helen glares at Daria for a while

Daria : (sighs) I'm using the situation as the subject of a paper for Mr. O'Neil.

Helen : Just make sure that that's all that you use it for. I don't want to see you walking all over poor Stacy.

Jake : At least make sure you wipe your boots first.

Jake slowly lowers the paper with a smile on his face as the family turns to look with a 'why can't you pay attention' gaze. Noticing his smile, Helen chokes a laugh as Daria and Quinn just look shocked.

Daria & Quinn : (in unison) Dad?

Zoom out as the entire family stares at Jake with an incredulous look.

Jake : What? (Bt) What did I do?

Jane's room. Daria is sitting on the bed reading as Jane paints. The TV shows the SSW logo, followed by a reporter interviewing an athletic blond in a prison cell.

SSW announcer : So you say you were a vampire slayer before they threw you in prison?

SSW interviewee : Yes. It was a late night, and I was accosted by a group of pale, emaciated men in ragged clothing. How was I to know they were Computer Science majors and not vampires?

Pan back to view of Jane's room.

Daria : Now that's not fair.

Jane : I agree. Seven out of ten people prefer the company of vampires over the CS majors.

Daria : And the other three?

Jane : Would rather be with both. Usually, the vampire goes for the CS major first, then dies from a massive caffeine overdose, giving the people some time alone.

Daria : I see. My kind of people.

Jane : The vampires or the three?

Daria : Yes.

Jane : Oh, very witty. (Bt) So any plans for causing defections from the fashion mafia?

Daria : Much as I like to, I don't think it would work. (Bt) And I promised my mom that I wouldn't kill her either.

Jane : Did she do something to you? You don't seem to like her very much…

Daria : Well, she's not mean or anything, and is probably the least offensive member of the fashion club. Its just that she always seems to follow other people. She's afraid to think for herself.

Jane : If she's in the fashion club, then why does she need to think?

Daria : As far as I can tell, she's following Quinn as she gets more serious about her schoolwork, but she's still afraid of Sandi getting mad at her and throwing her out of the club.

Jane : A real Catch-22?

Daria : Now you see my motivation for helping them out.

Jane : Daria the altruist.

Daria : But only when I stand to benefit from it. (Bt) So what are you doing for the assignment?

Jane : Voila!

Zoom out to show Jane's painting. We see a large maze, with the center marked BIRTH, and with regions marked LOVE, CHILDREN, COLLEGE, and a variety of major life events scattered about the interior. There are a few paths that exit the maze to the outside, a large region marked simply by DEATH.

Jane : My masterpiece. Illustrating that life, independent of choices, leads to death. Unavoidable and pre-ordained.

Daria : That's just downright morbid. (Bt) I love it. But weren't we supposed to do a written report?

Jane : Well, you know. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Daria : Only with O'Neil would that ever work. (Bt) But well done.

Jane : (looking at painting) Hmmm. I vaguely remember something about math tonight…

Daria : And that would explain your straight-C average, no?

Jane shoots Daria a look, and walks away from the painting

Jane : What ever happened to reasonable doubt?

Daria : It doesn't apply to math tests, you know.

Jane : Damn! (Bt) How about multiple choice?

Cut to the next day. Daria walks into the Morgendorffer living room where Quinn and Stacy are working.

Daria : OK ladies, I'm here. What can I help you with?

Quinn : Stacy?

Stacy : Um, We're trying to link the war with the treaty, but I don't really know where to start.

Daria : Well, what do you have so far?

Stacy : (nervously) Well, uh, …

Daria : (matter of fact) Stacy, do you want my help?

Stacy : Um, yes?

Daria : Well then, just tell me what you have, and what you need help with. I won't bite; (smirking) I don't know you that well.

Stacy : (worried) Erm …

Daria : Stacy, that was a joke. If I'm actually mad at you, you'll know. (Bt – matter of fact) Now what do you have?

Stacy : Well, um, I know that the treaty was very harsh on the Germans, but wouldn't it have easier to just, well, obey the terms? I mean, they did lose both wars …

Daria : (thought VO) A conformist to the end. Well, here goes nothing (out loud) Stacy, could I ask you something?

Stacy : (warily) I guess?

Daria : Lets say that you had saved up all your money for the fashion extravaganza to get an outfit that made you look (deadpan) really, really hot.

Stacy : (confused) OK …

Daria : Now say that I came along and just took all that money that you worked so hard for and took it for myself. How would you feel?

Stacy : Um, sad?

Daria : (exasperated) Stacy, I just made all of your hard work and sacrifice worthless. Imagine that you had been saving for months – no movies, no new clothes, no nothing, all because you really wanted this new outfit. And I just walked in and took it away from you.

Stacy : Well, I guess I would be ... angry?

Daria : Is that a question, or a statement?

Stacy : I would be angry at you.

Daria : Now imagine someone tells you that there is a way that you can both get all your money back, and get even with me. Would you take it?

Stacy : Um, I guess so …

Daria : Now think about the Germans. In order to pay their reparations, the Germans had to send everything they made, everything they had to the French and British. Just when it looks like they may actually make it through, the Great Depression hits and destroys the German economy. Up comes Adolf Hitler, promising to make Germany great again and to take back from the British and French what had been taken from them. What do you think the people did?

Stacy : Wow, you're really good at this stuff!

Daria : Just one of the benefits of independent thought. Any more questions?

Zoom out as Stacy continues questioning Daria. She still looks nervous, and glances at Quinn periodically for support. Quinn looks on with a slightly condescending look of encouragement, as if she doesn't understand why Stacy would be scared of Daria.

Cut to Sunday morning. Daria is standing with a putter on a mini-golf course, trying to get the ball past the windmill. She shoots, and the ball gets caught by the edge of the blade, sending it off of the course into the rocks. Daria walks over, picking up the ball, and returns to the tee.

Daria : I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Remind me again why we're here?

Jane : Oh, come on Daria. If you stay with Tom you'll need to learn golf at SOME point.

Daria : While that may be true, I somehow doubt that their golf courses have windmills and castles.

Jane : Well, I suppose if you want to be accurate about it. Are you saying that you don't enjoy my wonderful company?

Daria : Hmmm. (thinking) I should look on the bright side here. At least I have a club.

Jane : You just watch yourself missy, or I'll have Trent leave you here.

Daria : (smirking) Even if you ran back to the car as fast as you could, you'd never get him awake before I got there.

Jane : (conceedingly) You're probably right. (Bt) I hate you.

At this, Daria goes back to her putt. She hits the ball, getting through the windmill without trouble. As she turns to give Jane a chance, we see Jane sprinting away from the green.

Daria : Oh, hell.

Daria drops her club and runs after Jane.

Cut to the parking lot. Trent is in the passenger seat, fast asleep as Jane drives off. We see Daria just reach the lot as Jane leaves.

Daria : She will die for this. (mock outrage) I swear it.

Daria looks around, thinking for a second

Daria : Well, I guess I brave the fashion extravaganza at the mall and see if Quinn has a ride home. More time to plot my revenge. (Bt) Gee, talking to myself again. (Bt) Is it worse to talk to yourself, or to expect an answer …

Zoom out as Daria heads out of the parking lot.

Cut to the fashion extravaganza. The Fashion Club is walking through the mall, checking out the new fashions. They are surrounded by some particularly hideous color combinations, with a sign advertising the Discordian fashion company

Sandi : They call that fashion? That dress makes her look so bulgy.

Stacy : I know. Can you believe it?

Tiffany : Ewww… That outfit (points), it like, totally clashes

Quinn : Chartreuse and magenta? Like, could they have chosen a worse combination?

Tiffany : Yeah …

Sandi : I think we've seen enough of this section. Lets find a display with some REAL fashion.

Elsewhere in the mall, Daria is searching for her sister, or anyone who could give her a ride home

Daria : (annoyed) Jane will PAY for this.

As Daria continues to look, a perfume saleslady comes up and sprays her unexpectedly

Daria : Gah! Get away from me!

Daria turns, making a cross with her fingers and backs away.

Daria : (annoyed, heavy sarcasm) Back, back, you minions of hell. Be gone!

Saleslady : Hey! I was just …

Daria : (angrily) Getting the hell away from me?

Saleslady : Well, I never …

Cut to the next scene as the saleslady backs away in obvious concern. Daria watches with obvious disgust, and continues looking for help.

Elsewhere in the mall, Daria is walking by a display of what would be undergarments except for a distinct lack of cloth.

Daria : (deadpan) Oooh, yes. I had always figured that there were uses for dental floss other than cleaning teeth.

Upchuck : Do my eyes deceive me? Could this be the lovely Daria Morgendorffer?

Daria : (under breath) And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse (out loud) Upchuck. What a delightful surprise.

Upchuck : Perhaps you could help me in a most serious quandary. My father is looking for some (Bt – pointing at display) choice garments for his secretary, and has asked me to do the honors. It just so happens that you are almost the exact same size as her.

Daria : Charles, even in my most hideous nightmares, I would never subject myself to such a fate.

Upchuck : Oh fair maiden. Many have explored the hidden mysteries of the esteemed Charles Ruttheimer the Third. Will you not come experience what so many are now lusting after?

Daria : A restraining order?

Upchuck : You may jest now. But give it time, and you will return to the wonder that is Charles Ruttheimer the Third.

Daria : Give me six days. Damn waiting period!

Upchuck : Rrrr, feisty. Fear not, I will return!

Daria : Is that a promise, or a threat?

Upchuck heads off after his next victim as Daria looks on in amusement and disgust. Shaking her head, she continues on her quest.

Quinn and the Fashion Club are walking by some more attractive combinations in a different section in the mall.

Sandi : Finally. They should really warn people about those weird fashions.

Stacy : Yeah. Who would WEAR that stuff?

Tiffany : You'd have to be, like, a total geek or something.

Sandi : Speaking of geeks, isn't that your sister or something? (points) What's she doing here?

Camera rotation showing Daria walking up to the Fashion Club.

Daria : (to each in turn) Stacy, Quinn, Tiffany, Sandi, (to Quinn) Quinn? Do you have a ride home anytime soon?

Quinn : Daria? What are you doing here?

Daria : A certain artist ditched me at the mini-golf range. I figured that you would be here, and it was closer than walking home.

Quinn : (turning to Sandi) Well I came with Sandi …

Sandi : No. You are persona au gratin to the Fashion Club due to your attitude toward us.

Daria : (under breath) That's non-grata, you moron

Quinn : But Sandi!

Sandi : No Quinn. As PRESIDENT, it is my DUTY to ensure that the fashion club does not associate with PATHETIC LOSERS like this.

Daria : (to Sandi, mocking tone) Ah, Sandi, you are your usual pleasant self today. (to Quinn) Never mind Quinn. I'll find some other way back. I'm not sure I'd want to ride with this, (Bt) person anyway.

Sandi : Would you, like, leave already? We can't be hanging around with someone dressed like THAT.

Daria : And I shouldn't be hanging around with someone with a room temperature IQ.

Daria walks off as Quinn looks after her with concern.

Sandi : Geez. You'd think in the middle of a fashion extravaganza she'd at least be able to find something better to wear.

Cut to later in the mall, Daria is heading towards the exit when she sees someone in the crowd and heads over. She taps someone on the shoulder in front of a display of formal dresses.

Daria : Jamie?

Zoom out as we see Jamie looking a bit sheepish.

Jamie : Uh, hi Daria.

Daria : Should I ask what you're doing here?

Jamie : Um, shopping?

Daria : Jamie, it is my humble opinion that you have neither the hips nor the legs to wear any of these (gestures at the display) dresses.

Jamie : Um, I'm not shopping for dresses. (Bt) Mr. O'Neil conscripted me to help out with the drama club, and I was supposed to try and get my costume for next week.

Daria : You mean you won't be showing up Monday in drag?

Jamie : Hmm … Perhaps Quinn could help with that? ( looking at the crowds) It doesn't look like I'll be getting my costume at this rate.

Daria : (hopeful) Does that mean that you're heading home?

Jamie : (warily) Yeah …

Daria : Could I get a ride?

Jamie : I suppose. But how did you get here?

Daria : Compliments of my soon to be late best friend, who left me at the mini-golf range.

Jamie : (laughing) You? Mini-golf?

Daria : Sure, laugh it up. But if you tell anyone, I will make sure you know the true meaning of hell…

Jamie : Not likely. I've dated Quinn, remember?

Daria : Oh, yeah. Good point. (under breath) Damn siblings … (looking around) I think I've seen enough fashion to last a lifetime.

Jamie : But don't you live with Quinn?

Daria : Thanks. I had finally managed to forget that.

Zoom out as Daria and Jamie try and escape the extravaganza.

Cut to exterior of the Morgendorffer residence as Jamie's car pulls out. Daria waves thanks to Jamie and heads into the house.

Cut to Daria's room as Daria enters with a wicked grin on her face. Without saying a word, Daria takes her backpack and begins placing items in the pack.

Quinn's room. Daria sneaks in, again taking a few items and putting them in her backpack.

Morgendorffer kitchen. The entire family is seated, eating lasagna once again

Helen : Quinn? How was the fashion extravaganza?

Quinn : Huh? (brief glance at Daria) Oh, it went pretty well. Although they had some really weird fashions there for some reason. You should have heard what Upchuck said to Sandi. God, was she mad. I wonder if he can walk yet … Oh, could I borrow $100? I saw these really cute suede boots on sale …

Helen : Daria? (pleading) Please?

Daria : Jane and I went mini-golfing. (deadpan) Tons of fun. She won this round, but I'll get her in the rematch.

Helen looks satisfied at that, while Quinn looks somewhat suspicious. She is about to say something when the doorbell rings

Quinn : Well, that's my date. Gotta go!

Daria : Much as I would love the chance for some intensive two on one parental bonding, I must excuse myself from this most excellent repast. (Bt – smirk) Now don't you two do anything I wouldn't do!

Daria heads off-screen.

Helen : Out with Jane again?

Daria : (VO) Out.

Front door closes.

Helen : Well that's nice. (seductively) Oh, Jake …

Interior of Lawndale High. The lights are dimmed. A silhouette shaped like Daria is seen walking up to a locker with a stethoscope. The figure opens the locker, and works for a short time. Finally, the figure carefully closes the locker and walks off.

The silhouetted figure is walking down the hallway, when it suddenly stops and rummages through a backpack. Removing a marker, we see the figure open a door and slip inside. As the door closes, we see that it is the Men's bathroom.

Morgendorffer living room. Helen is placing a folder in her briefcase as Daria heads out the door.

Helen : Daria? Isn't it a bit early for school?

Daria : I have a few things to take care of before school.

Helen : Anything I can help with? (Bt) You're not in trouble, are you?

Daria : Everything is fine mom. I'm not in trouble. Yet.

Helen : (warning tone) Daria …

Daria : Don't worry, I'll be good. (thought VO) Right after school starts.

Daria heads out the door.

Later, hallways of Lawndale. Daria is at her locker alone, taking out her books for class as Jane walks up to her locker.

Jane : Um, I'm sorry?

Daria merely gives Jane a dirty look, and closes her locker.

Jane : I'm a thoughtless insensitive jerk?

Daria zips her backpack, ignoring Jane

Jane : Daria? Talk to me?

Daria looks at Jane for a second, and turns to head away. Jane sighs and opens her locker. Seeing this, Daria quickly drops to the floor. Jane turns as she opens her locker, surprised at Daria's actions, as the sound of an aerosol can is heard. The camera pans to reveal Jane's hair and back covered in body glitter. Daria gets up with a smirk and heads to class. Jane looks at her locker and herself with shock as the scene fades.

Hallway of Lawndale high. Daria is walking with a slight smirk when she sees the Fashion Club (minus Quinn) as a group at their lockers. Stacy looks exhausted, and Sandi is just about to say something to her when Corey walks up to Sandi. Daria stops and covertly observes the proceedings.

Corey : (sleazy tone) Free tonight for some fun?

Sandi : As if! You expect ME to go out with YOU? TONIGHT?

Corey : Well baby, we could always stay in …

Sandi : (slaps Corey) Get away from me, you pervert!

Corey heads out as Guy walks up to Sandi

Guy : Looking for a good time?

Sandi turns and skewers Guy with a deadly stare. Guy mumbles an apology and scampers away as Quinn walks in.

Quinn : Um, Sandi?

Sandi : What IS it, QUINN?

Quinn : Um, (nervously) I was talking to Joey, and he said that someone had written "**Looking for a good time? Call Sandi. Group rates available**", followed by a phone number, in most of the men's bathrooms in the school.

Sandi : A number?

Quinn : (apologetically) Your home phone number.

Sandi : (angrily) If I ever find out who did this, I swear …

Daria smiles slightly, and heads off to class as people slowly move away from an enraged Sandi.

Male Voice : (VO) Um, Sandi? The freshman class took up a collection, and … Ow! Hey! Not the face! Ow!

DeMartino's classroom. As the class files in, we see an exhausted Stacy walk up to Mr. DeMartino and hand in her report.

Stacy : (tiredly) Report. Tired. Working all night. No coffee – bad for complexion …

Mr. DeMartino leafs through the report for a few moments and turns to Stacy as she continues to babble.

DeMartino : Well, well, Ms. Rowe. This looks very well done. (suspiciously, looking at the paper) Can you tell me what the Kristallnacht was?

Mr. DeMartino looks on expectantly, figuring that someone other than Stacy was responsible for the paper in front of him. Stacy looks unsurprised, and seems to be fighting to stay upright.

Stacy : (nervous exhaustion) The Kristallnacht was the night of (Bt – thinking) November 9, 1938, when SS and SA storm troopers arranged the (yawn) destruction of thousands of Jewish businesses and synagogues in response to the assassination of a German diplomat two days earlier. (Bt, rubs eyes) It was one of the first large-scale persecutions, and made the SS responsible for the 'Jewish problem' that Hitler had used in his rise to power?

DeMartino : (impressed) VERY GOOD Stacy. (Bt) I suppose I will hold off on contacting you parents, assuming that you perform acceptably on the midterm …

Stacy : (excited, but tired) Oh, thank you!

Stacy heads to her seat. While she had been talking to Mr. DeMartino, the rest of the Fashion Club has entered and sat down. As Stacy is sitting down, Sandi turns to her.

Sandi : So STACY, how does it feel to be a BRAIN?

Stacy : But Sandi! I had to do the assignment to pass the class!

Sandi : So why didn't the rest of the class need to do it? (Bt) Only a BRAIN would be doing EXTRA work.

Stacy : (panicking) Er, um, …

Sandi : And what could be so important that you would lose sleep and get those ugly bags under your eyes?

Stacy : Bags? (hyperventilating, covering face) Oh no! What am I going to do?

Quinn : Calm down Stacy. Now Sandi, if extra work and losing sleep are REALLY so bad, (dangerously) then what about that paper you had to do for Mr. O'Neil? (vindictive) Or that night you spent with Brent in the back seat …

Sandi : (annoyed) That's COMPLETELY different!

Quinn : (condescending) Is it now. (Bt) Those who live in glass houses Sandi …

Tiffany : Glass houses? But couldn't everyone see you in the shower?

Quinn looks incredulously at Tiffany as the class starts. Sandi looks livid, and Stacy looks utterly petrified, shrinking away whenever Sandi looks her way.

Mr. O'Neil's classroom. Daria is sitting at her desk, with her report clearly visible. We see the title – "Kobayashi Maru : Beating the Catch-22 by changing the rules".

Male Voice : (VO) Hey, nice look baby! Does that glitter go all the way down?

Jane : (VO) Keep dreaming, creep!

Male Voice : (VO) You've been running through my dreams all night.

Jane : (VO) Strange, you'd think I would have escaped by now.

Upchuck : (VO) Rrrr, feisty!

Jane & Male Voice : (VO) Shove it, Upchuck!

Zoom out from Daria's desk as Jane sits down nearby.

Jane : Daria? (Bt) Are you ever going to speak to me again? (Bt – gesturing at class) At least before I kill one of our classmates for your little prank?

Daria turns to look at Jane with an evil smirk, but turns away as Mr. O'Neil comes into view. Jane acknowledges his existence, but is primarily concerned with Daria.

O'Neil : Jane! I wanted to thank you for signing up to help the drama club with the decorations for next week's play. (Sees her 'assignment') Um, Jane, that's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess since you're helping us, I can let it slide this once …

Jane : Oh, yeah, OK (Bt) WHAT decorations?

Mr. O'Neil pulls out a sign-up sheet for the drama club decoration committee, with Jane's name in Jane's handwriting clearly indicated on the sheet.

Jane : But …

As Jane stares at the sheet trying to figure out how she signed up, Daria leans over.

Daria : (whispered, to Jane) Payback's a bitch baby …

Fade to credits as Daria sits back with an amused smirk at Jane's look of utter shock.


	4. Midterm Mania - EAS 504

Midterm Mania

Midterm Mania

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #504

DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV's fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?

Scene opens with Daria and Tom sitting in Pizza King, sharing a pie.

Daria : So, how did the big college trip go?

Tom : Oh, not bad. Although I have to wonder if there are any qualifications for some of their recruiting officers.

Daria : You were that impressed?

Tom : Of course. (mocking) They work to maximize diversity of the student body in order to empower individual students to realize their inner potential…

Daria : And that means what exactly?

Tom : You know, they didn't know either. (Bt) Although one of their interviewers was rather impressed with my essay.

Daria : Which essay was that?

Tom : Well, they asked you to make up a question and answer it. My question was 'Do I want to write yet another essay?'

Daria : And the answer?

Tom : 'No.' (looking around) So, we're meeting Jane at some point?

Daria : Yep. She said she would stop by after the drama club meeting.

Tom : Drama club? (looks at Daria with a suspicious gaze) That doesn't sound like Jane …

Daria : Well, I may have had something to do with it …

Cut to later, still in Pizza King

Daria : So then Mr. O'Neil comes over and breaks the news, and Jane is just sitting there with such a look of shock. If only I had my camera.

Tom : You know, that's truly evil.

Daria : Thanks. I try my best.

Tom : (impressed) Remind me never to get on your bad side.

Daria : But which side is my bad side? (Quinn-mocking tone) They're both good!

Tom : OK, now that's frightening.

Daria : (slight chuckle) "Tis better to be feared than loved."

Tom : (sweetly, looking at Daria) I'm not so sure of that anymore …

Daria : (mock arrogance, smirking) And that, my dear, is why women will always win in the end.

Tom stifles a reply when a haggard looking Jane walks in and collapses in the booth.

Jane : Daria? Does your mom know a good criminal lawyer?

Daria : (concerned) Um, Jane?

Jane : Just considering my options for Mr. O'Neil.

Daria : (warily) OK …

Jane : And when I'm done with him, its your turn.

Daria : You realize that if you kill me, you'll never pass your midterms, don't you?

Jane : Damn you, Daria Morgendorffer.

Daria : Take a number. Are you almost done with the decorations?

Jane : Finished this afternoon. Oh, you may want to stop by the opening night…

Daria : Is the play actually that good?

Jane : Now how likely is that? Just watch for the black strobe light hidden in the audience.

Tom : This is where we should be afraid, right?

Jane : Its simply amazing what shall quantities of UV sensitive pigments can do for the set of Romeo and Juliet …

Daria and Tom look at each other with a surprised gaze, and turn to stare at Jane.

Daria : So I take it you're not likely to be asked to 'volunteer' again?

Jane : About as likely as Ms. Li hosting a charity ball.

Daria : (somber) Then you have learned well. There is nothing more I can teach you

Jane : Good. I doubt I would survive another lesson.

Jane picks up a slice of pizza and begins eating

Daria : Was there anything else you learned?

Jane : (warily) Not to leave you at the mini-golf course?

Slight pause as Daria gives Jane a blank stare.

Daria : Where I will end up searching the mall for someone to give me a ride home. (Bt) During the fashion extravaganza. (Bt) Where I run into the Fashion Club, Upchuck, and salespeople who don't take no for an answer.

As Daria speaks, Jane's face takes on an air or regret.

Jane : I got off easy, didn't I?

Daria : Well, I tried to avoid permanent bodily harm …

Jane : Oh. I'm sorry.

Daria : You've paid your dues. Moving from one morbid subject to another, ready for midterms?

Jane : Now what are the chances of that?

Cut to Morgendorffer residence, front door. Quinn opens the door to reveal a concerned-looking Stacy standing at the front door.

Quinn : Um, Stacy? The fashion club meeting isn't for another half an hour.

Stacy : (nervously) Um, yeah. I know.

Quinn : (suspiciously) Stacy? Is something wrong?

Stacy : Um, (worried) no, never mind.

Stacy turns nervously and starts to walk away.

Quinn : Stacy? Did you want something?

Stacy stops for a second pondering, and slowly turns to face Quinn.

Stacy : Well, uh, (Bt – hyper) I have to do well on this exam or Mr. DeMartino will call my parents!

Quinn : (thinking for a minute) Oh, that's right. So, you wanted to study with me?

Stacy : Well, I tried to ask Sandi if the Fashion Club was going to study, but she kept asking me if she thought that Mark or Brent was more popular this week, so she could choose who to go out with Friday and who to date Thursday.

Quinn : (thought VO) Sandi study? What's next, Daria dating? Oh, wait … (out loud) OK …

Stacy : So then I asked Tiffany, (Quinn chokes down a laugh) but she says that studying makes her look fat. (Bt – nervously) So …

Quinn : (sighing) Stacy, would you like to study with me after the Fashion Club meeting?

Stacy's eyes light up as Quinn makes the offer.

Stacy : (excited) Thank you Quinn! (Bt) What will we tell Sandi?

Quinn sighs as the scene fades out.

Pizza King Interior, the same booth as before. Daria, Jane, and Tom have almost finished the pizza as the camera zooms in on the three.

Tom : O'Neil?

Daria : He has this problem with large, important tests like midterms. He's concerned that they place undue stress on students, possibly damaging their self-image.

Jane : So instead, he usually comes up with some obnoxious project that we need to present to the whole class …

Daria : …thereby guaranteeing that our self image is utterly annihilated.

Jane : Fortunately, we have him beat.

Daria : OUR self image can't possibly get any lower.

Jane : Which prepares us perfectly for Mr. DeMartino's exams.

Daria : Hey, at least you know the answer will never be 'A'.

Tom looks at Daria with a confused gaze

Tom : Care to explain that?

Jane : Seems that Kevin decided that the 'midterm' was a grading sheet for the semester, where you fill in your own grades. So he figured that he deserved all A's.

Daria : Mr. DeMartino figured this out, and ever since, his midterms and finals will never have 'A' as a valid answer.

Jane : And yet, Kevin still continues to answer all A's.

Tom : How is it that he will graduate?

Daria : (heavy sarcasm) Because the ability to throw a football is much more valuable to society than a good education. (Bt) We all know that the world's problems are due to inequities in the global allocation of pigskins.

Jane : That, or the fact that he brings honor to (imitating Ms. Li) 'Lawndale High'.

Daria : I wonder how she gets Mrs. Barch to go along with her little scheme?

Tom : Blackmail?

Jane : Extortion?

Daria : Or simple records fraud.

Tom : Do you really think she would go that far?

Daria and Jane look at each other for a second, and turn back to Tom

Daria & Jane : (in unison) Absolutely.

Tom : (maniacal laugh) Excellent. My evil plans are working perfectly. Soon, the world will be mine!

Jane : (bemused) Daria, did you forget his medication this morning?

Daria : (serious) Sorry. Nurse Ratched was running late.

Jane and Daria smirk at Tom, who is feigning outrage at the two.

Jane : Daria? (glancing at Tom) Are you busy tonight?

Daria : Well, I do have some free time …

Jane : Would you mind if I came over? I've been trying to study for math, but Mystik Spiral locked themselves in the basement on a lyrics quest. Can you imagine their music after two days of non-stop brainstorming?

Daria : I have trouble imagining Trent going six hours without sleep…

Jane : Don't. For once you start down the dark path …

Tom : … forever will it dominate your destiny?

Jane : No, its just not nearly as exciting as you would think.

Tom : Oh.

Jane : So, tonight?

Daria : Sure, why not.

Cut to the Morgendorffer Living room, where the Fashion Club is finishing up a meeting

Sandi : And that concludes this meeting of the Fashion Club.

Sandi gets up to leave. Tiffany starts to get up as well, but Stacy remains seated.

Sandi : Stacy? Are you coming?

Stacy : Um, (nervously) I'm staying to study with Quinn. (meekly) For midterms?

Sandi : Quinn?

Quinn : (sweetly) Yes, Sandi?

Sandi : Is it true? Are you going to be here (venomously) studying?

Quinn : (unphased) Well, I had planned on passing my midterms on Wednesday …

Sandi : (angrily) What are you implying Quinn?

Quinn : (thought VO) Besides the fact that you're an idiot? (out loud – sweetly) Oh, nothing Sandi. (faux admiration) I just wish I was as smart as YOU so I didn't NEED to study …

Sandi : (arrogantly) Well, I was planning on going home to study with Tiffany, but I suppose that I could stay here with you.

Tiffany : But I thought …

Sandi : Did you forget Tiffany?

Tiffany : Um, yeah …

Sandi : Is that OK with you Quinn?

Quinn : (thought VO) Would it make a difference to you? (out loud) Well, if you think its best Sandi …

Cut to later in the day. Quinn and the Fashion Club are 'studying' - Quinn is reading and checking her notes, Stacy alternating between reading and asking Quinn questions, Tiffany is applying mascara, and Sandi is working her way through the Waif 'History of Fashion' special issue. The door opens to reveal Daria and Jane entering the room.

Daria : (assessing the situation) Um, maybe we should head upstairs.

Jane : I think you're right.

As Daria and Jane turn to head upstairs, Quinn gets up and intercepts the two.

Quinn : (looking at the books) Studying for midterms?

Daria : (warily) That was the plan …

Quinn : You know, there's a lot more room down here …

Daria : Quinn, are you asking ME to study with YOU?

Quinn : Well, that's not exactly … I mean I didn't … That is … (Bt – conciliatory) Yes.

Jane : And what brings about this turn of events? Hell freeze over again?

Quinn : Um, … (softly) I don't want to be a waitress.

Daria : Come again?

Quinn : To have any hope of getting into a good college, I really need to do well this year.

Daria : And this affects us how?

Quinn : Have you ever tried to study with Sandi?

Daria : I make it my business to avoid Sandi if at all possible. At least when I'm unarmed.

Quinn : (annoyed) Daria, I'm being serious! We're trying to study history! (softly) At least, some of us are …

Daria : I don't remember Mr. DeMartino lecturing from Waif when I took the class …

Jane : Well, you know those declining education standards we keep hearing about? Case in point.

Quinn : Ha ha, very funny. (Bt) Please?

Daria : Quinn, you know how these things are handled …

Quinn : (sighing) Ten

Daria : Thirty

Quinn : Fifteen

Daria : Twenty

Quinn : Done. (Bt) Ten dollar bonus if Sandi leaves early.

Daria : Fine by me.

Daria, Jane, and Quinn walk back into the living room. Daria and Jane take out their books, and sit on the floor around the table.

Sandi : Um, like, Quinn's sister? We're trying to study here.

Daria : OK by me. Jane?

Jane : No objections.

Daria : Well, we voted, and you can stay.

Sandi : That's not what I meant. (annoyed) Would you just leave so I can get back to work?

Daria : This is my house, and I will study wherever I want. You are welcome to stay if you so desire.

Sandi : Ugh! You are so … so … so … last year!

Daria : Damn. I was going for last decade.

Sandi : I don't have to sit here and listen to this!

Daria : You'd prefer to stand?

Sandi : Eeergh! I will not stay here with that THING.

Sandi stands up and picks up her backpack.

Daria : Well, OK. Bye now!

Sandi storms out the front door as Daria and Jane commence studying. Quinn looks on with a slight smirk, and even Stacy looks a bit bemused.

Tiffany : Where did Sandi go?

The four turn to look at Tiffany with surprise.

Quinn : Um, she left Tiffany.

Tiffany : But why would she do that? Weren't we, like, studying?

Quinn : (exasperated sigh) Sandi just couldn't handle studying with my sister around.

Tiffany : Oh yeah, your sister. (Bt) She looks a lot like your cousin you know …

Stacy : Um, Tiffany, Quinn's cousin is her sister.

Tiffany : Ewww… Your mom married her brother? Gross …

Daria looks extremely amused by the whole exchange, and Jane is desperately trying to keep from breaking out laughing at Tiffany.

Quinn : Tiffany, this is my SISTER, Daria. OK?

Tiffany : Uh, OK. (Bt) So where's your cousin?

Quinn : Oh, never mind.

The four return to studying as Tiffany takes one of Stacy's books and starts slowly reading.

Jane : You know, I almost would prefer trigonometry …

Daria : What's the problem with vectors? Just think of them as lines …

Jane : But there are all the dots and stuff thrown in there …

Daria : Its like a projection. Think of projecting a flagpole shadow onto the side of a pyramid. How long would the shadow be?

Jane : Is that all it is? Then why do they call it a dot product? Why not something intelligent?

Daria : They're mathematicians. We're lucky it was this simple.

Jane : (thinking out loud) So, if I were to take problem (3), and dot (214,12) with (156,48), I would get …

Jane takes out her calculator and starts entering numbers. After working for a few moments, she drops the calculator in annoyance and turns to Daria.

Jane : Um, Daria? What's 214 times 156? The batteries in my calculator just died.

Daria : (reaching for her calculator) Just a second…

Tiffany : Thirty three thousand three hundred eighty four?

Daria looks down at her calculator, and then back at Tiffany with a look of astonishment.

Daria : How did you know that?

Quinn : (surprised) Wait, she's right?

Tiffany : Um, that's just the answer …

Daria : But how did you know that? Did you figure it out?

Tiffany : No … It just, um, is. (Bt) Like if you mix red and blue, you get purple.

Daria : Tiffany, what's the five hundred twenty three times sixteen thousand two hundred five?

Tiffany : Um, eight million, four hundred seventy five thousand two hundred fifteen?

Daria punches some numbers into her calculator, and looks in awe. Zooming in, we see the exact same answer that Tiffany gave.

Quinn : (skeptical) Daria? Is she right?

Daria : Exactly correct.

Quinn : (incredulous) Wait, you're saying that TIFFANY is good at MATH?

Daria : It would appear so. (Bt) Tiffany? Are you getting good grades in math?

Tiffany : Uh, no …

Quinn : Why not?

Tiffany : They ask, like all these questions about people and how old they are and stuff …

Quinn : And?

Tiffany : They don't even tell you what they're wearing. (Bt) That's, like, sooo wrong.

Daria and Jane give Tiffany a look of surprise.

Jane : Why should it matter what they're wearing?

Tiffany : Whenever I do these problems, Sandi always wants to know what they're wearing. So it must be important …

Daria : And if Sandi jumped off a bridge, would you?

Tiffany : Uh, no.... Not again …

Daria and Jane give each other a look of incredulity as Quinn and Stacy simply stare at Tiffany. Tiffany, for her part, goes back to reading, not realizing that she is the center of attention.

Jane : First, we drive off Sandi, and now Tiffany is a repressed mathematician? (Bt) What's next?

Daria : Slaying the Hydra?

Cut to later that evening, dinner at the Morgendorffer residence. The family is gathered around the table. Jake is reading the paper as Helen, Daria, and Quinn finish their meals.

Quinn : Can we, like, hurry up? I've got a date tonight, and I need time to accessorize.

Daria : Funny. I'm going out with Tom tonight, but it only takes me five minutes to get ready. Do I go with the ten-dollar bills, or the twenties?

Quinn : Well, excuse me if I want to look my best when I go out. As Vice President of the Fashion Club, it is my duty …

Daria : (interrupting) And excuse me if I prefer someone to like me rather than some overpriced piece of fabric …

Jake : Um, girls?

Daria and Quinn turn to look at Jake as he lowers his paper.

Jake : Girls? Um, your dates aren't, well, pressuring you to do things, are they?

Daria : (resigned) Dad, we've had this conversation before. Remember? I believe you said that you trusted our judgment …

Daria starts to sit back as Jake thinks for a second, but both are surprised when Quinn responds as well.

Quinn : Yeah daddy. (slyly) We certainly wouldn't do anything that you and Mom wouldn't have done at our age.

Jake : Helen! Did you hear that? GAH! (Bt) My little girls!

Jake leaves the table, with Helen following close behind and attempting to calm him down. Quinn sits back with a smile on her face.

Daria : That was pretty mean …

Quinn : Yeah, I know. But now he probably won't ask us anymore.

Daria : The ends justify the means?

Quinn : Works for me.

Quinn heads out to get ready for her date. Daria takes her plate over to the sink, and heads into the living room to go upstairs. Before she makes it to the stairs, Helen calls her from the living room.

Helen : (sweetly but dangerous) Oh Daria, could I have a word with you?

Daria reluctantly turns and takes a seat across from her mother.

Daria : Did you want something mom?

Helen : That wasn't very nice in there. What you did to your father.

Daria : Talk to Quinn about that. It wasn't my idea.

Helen : I plan to. (resigned) With you dating now and going off to college soon, I worry about you.

Daria : (warily) OK …

Helen : I would feel better if you would take a self defense class that the firm is offering. I'd like to know that you can take care of yourself, should the need arise.

Daria : (unsettled) And if I would prefer not to take the class?

Helen : Then you don't have to take it.

Daria : What, no bribe? No threats?

Helen : Daria! Would I do that?

Daria : (deadpan) Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Helen : (disappointed) Well, I won't. This is your choice.

Daria : (warily) OK …

Helen : (sighing) Daria? Now that your father is thinking about himself and his military school classmates and what they were like at your age, what exactly do you think he's going to do?

Daria : I'm not sure what you mean …

Helen : Do you think he's less likely now to try and explain EXACTLY what high-school boys are like?

Daria : (realization) Oh God!

Helen : Exactly.... Now, I could be persuaded to tell him about our little 'conversation' after I found Tom's pants …

Daria : You mean (hyper – imitating Helen) Oh my God! Daria? Are you pregnant? Did you use protection? Why didn't you come to me? He didn't force you into anything, did he? Please tell me you were careful!

Helen : (embarrassed) Well, after that.

Daria : (resigned) Let me guess, the self defense class is the 'persuasion', no?

Helen : That would be an acceptable arrangement for me, yes.

Daria : I thought you said there would be no bribes or threats?

Helen : Think of it as a reward, not a bribe.

Daria : (under breath) First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Helen : (suspicious) What was that?

Daria : (sighs – defeated) I said OK. I'll do it. When is the class?

Helen : This weekend.

Fade to the next scene as Daria gets up and heads upstairs.

Interior of a movie theatre, which is largely deserted. Daria and Tom are seated in the back as the movie ends.

Daria : Thanks for the movie. (nervously) I had a nice time tonight.

Tom : Good. That was my intention. (Bt) And thank you.

Daria : For what?

Tom : You're trying.

Daria : (blushing) (mumbles)

Tom : Oh, come on now. Let's not get mushy.

Daria : (softly) OK.

As Daria and Tom get up to leave the theatre, Tom gives Daria a big kiss. Daria blushes slightly, but is obviously reciprocating.

Daria : (contented) Mmmm.

Tom : Yeah.

Daria is about to respond when the theatre lights are brought to full brightness, startling both Daria and Tom.

Daria : (uncertain) Well, we should probably be going …

Tom : (slightly disappointed) Yeah, I guess so …

Both Daria and Tom look at each other a bit awkwardly, when the janitor comes in and begins to sweep the floor. Seeing this, the two turn to leave the theatre, with Tom taking Daria's hand as they go. Daria looks down at Tom's hand for a moment before speaking.

Daria : You know, soon enough you're not going to be able to take advantage of me like this.

Tom : (mock horror) You mean I'll have to pay for the pizza?

Daria : Well, since you offered … (Tom shoots Daria a dirty look) OK, OK. I concede the point.

Tom : Studying for the bar, are we?

Daria : I got cornered by my mother before leaving tonight.

Tom : And?

Daria : She's worried about me. (Bt) She maneuvered me into taking a self defense class.

Tom looks like he's about to laugh, but quickly stifles the laugh when he sees the serious look on Daria's face.

Tom : Maneuvered?

Daria : Compliments of your pants, my father's worry, and my sister's ill-timed discovery of sarcasm.

Tom : I take it you don't particularly want to go?

Daria : In the absence of extenuating circumstances, such as the constant nagging by my father about the facts of life, no, I would not go.

Tom : Any particular reason?

Daria : Its just so .. so ..

Tom : Boring? Embarrassing? Time-consuming?

Daria : Conventional.

Tom : Huh?

Daria : Well, it's kind of hard to explain …

Tom looks at Daria with an expression that says 'try me, please'

Daria : Its just, um, unusual. I always knew exactly who I was, which was usually quite different than my, um, classmates. (proudly) I was an outcast, and damn proud of it. (softly) But now, I have an, um, (nervously) boyfriend, ... and my obnoxious fashion-obsessed sister – cousin hybrid is actually studying. Its all very … confusing.

Daria looks nervously at Tom, trying to figure out what to do next. Tom stops and gives Daria a hug.

Tom : Thank you.

Daria : (confused) What?

Tom : I know that was very hard for you. I don't pretend to have the answers, but I'm glad you felt you could share it with me.

Daria gives Tom a relieved smile

Daria : (softly) You're welcome?

Tom : (changing the subject) So how was the study date with Jane?

Streets of Lawndale. Daria and Jane are walking on their way to school.

Jane : Are you sure we have to go to school today?

Daria : Well, midterms are tomorrow, so most of the teachers will be desperately trying to cover the entire semester in a day in the vain hopes that their students will be awake this time through.

Jane : Hah! I've got that beat. (smugly) I brought a tape recorder.

Daria : I suppose you sleep with a book under your pillow as well?

Jane : (joking) You think that would work?

Daria : Well, osmosis would suggest that knowledge should move from regions of high concentration to those of low concentration. I guess your head would count.

Jane : Hey!

Daria : Did I tell you that my mom cornered me last night and 'encouraged' me to take a self-defense class this weekend.

Jane : Encouraged? What, is she worried about Tom? (teasing) This doesn't have anything to do with that night…

Daria : (warning) Jane …

Jane : Hey, I graciously donate my boyfriend to the cause of corrupting you …

Daria : Gracious? (Bt - uncertain) Corrupting?

Jane : What, you think that just because I'm over him, I ain't gonna give you a hard time?

Daria : (sardonically) Yeah, what are friends for? (slightly depressed monotone) I suppose I deserve it though.

Jane looks at Daria, and is surprised to see Daria's dour expression.

Jane : (changing the subject) So, why did you decide to take the class?

Daria : Well, it was either that, of have my father continually trying to explain what the average military school cadet my age is looking for in a girl.

Jane : Ouch. That's dirty pool.

Daria : Hey, you dance with a lawyer, and the lawyer don't change.

Cut to next scene inside Ms. Barch's classroom. We see the words EXAM REVIEW on the chalkboard. Upchuck is laying face down against the wall in the front of the room.

Barch : So while the lioness goes out to hunt and provide for the pride, the lazy male sits around like a bum, being served by the females of the pride. Free to leave at any minute, after twenty two years of meals and laundry, for a pretty young thing with more plastic than brains …

Jane : (To Daria) Will this be on the test?

Daria : Don't worry Jane. You have one specific asset that will permit you to pass the midterm.

Jane : Um, a good crib sheet?

Daria : Nope. A pair of X chromosomes.

Jane chuckles slightly as Ms. Barch continues on her tirade.

Jane : This may be a stupid question, but weren't we learning chemistry this year?

Daria : Oh, but it's so much more difficult to malign men while teaching chemistry.

Jane : You don't think she's up for a challenge?

Daria : Jane, this is Lawndale.

Jane : Oh, right.

Barch : Now class, what would you call a creature that sleeps all day and goes out on the prowl at night?

The class is silent, with no-one volunteering to answer. Daria begins to raise her hand when a male voice is heard. As the camera pans around to reveal Mack, the whole class turns in surprise that a male would dare to speak without being asked.

Mack : Um, your ex-husband?

As the class continues to stare, we see Ms. Barch stare at Mack for a few moments, and then give a small laugh.

Barch : (slightly less hostile than usual) Not bad Mack, for a male. (Bt) Although I was looking for nocturnal.

As Ms. Barch moves to resume her 'review', a small moan is heard

Barch : SHUT UP, UPCHUCK!

As we fade to the next scene, we see Upchuck shrink closer to the wall in fear.

Hallway, Lawndale High. Quinn is standing at her locker with Joey and Jeffy nearby as Daria and Jane are walking by.

Quinn : Um, guys? Did you want something?

Joey : Um, Quinn? Could I study with you? I need your help on midterms.

Jeffy : Me too! I'm dumber than him.

Joey : So can we study with you? (Bt) I'll take you out for dinner afterwards.

Jeffy : I'll take you to Chez Pierre!

Joey : I'll take you, um, somewhere better?

Quinn : Guys? Are you sure you don't want to study alone?

Joey : But you're like, smart now.

Jeffy : Yeah, you're like, a brain, but not a brain.

Joey : Please help us!

Quinn : (reluctantly) OK. You can come study with me this afternoon.

Jeffy : So, Chez Pierre afterwards?

Quinn : How about we just order a pizza while we're studying?

Joey : I'll get the pizza!

Jeffy : I'll get two!

Pan to Daria and Jane as the 2J's continue to fight over Quinn. Daria looks slightly annoyed at the whole exchange, while Jane just looks amused.

Jane : They're like little puppies or something. (sarcastically) And they're fighting over her brain! Who would have thought?

Daria : (sourly) Not quite like puppies. Even if you hit them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, they still don't seem to learn.

Jane : (surprised) Daria?

Daria : Sunday paper. New York Times. (Bt) They just kind of squeal and go looking for Quinn.

Jane : Well, at least they're house trained …

Daria : One can only hope.

Daria and Jane turn and walk into Mr. O'Neil's classroom. They are about to sit down when they see Mrs. Manson standing with Mr. O'Neil at the front of the room.

Jane : Do you by any chance feel a sense of doom falling upon this classroom?

Daria just stares at Jane with a 'well, this should be obvious' stare.

Jane : I mean more than usual.

Daria : Maybe Ms. Manson is here to help Mr. O'Neil?

Jane : Why? You haven't turned in any assignments recently …

Daria : I am touched by your esteemed opinion of my work. (Bt – menacing tone) Beware the misery chick, for she is subtle in her ways, and quick to anger.

Jane : Yeah, so I've noticed …

Mr. O'Neil walks in front of his desk and begins the class.

O'Neil : Class. Class! Now I know that lately we've been reading a lot of, well, icky literature …

Daria : (to Jane) Maybe I should lend him my best of surgical mishaps book?

Jane : (to Daria) Let me know. I'll bring a camera.

O'Neil : And I was concerned that some of you might be thinking of, well, unpleasant thoughts. (Bt) So I asked Mrs. Manson to give a class lecture on paranoia …

Daria : (to Jane – annoyed) They really are all out to get me …

Manson : Paranoia is a common term, but what does it really mean? (Bt) From a psychiatric perspective, paranoia is a term used to …

Cut to later in the class. Mrs. Manson has just finished her lecture, and Mr. O'Neil comes to the front of the class again.

O'Neil : OK class, lets all thank Mrs. Manson for her wonderful presentation on the dangers of paranoia.

A sickly half-clap is heard briefly, but the class as a whole remains mostly comatose.

O'Neil : Um, thank you class. Now, instead of a midterm tomorrow …

Jane : We will return to our regularly scheduled program?

O'Neil : Um, no. I'd like everyone to give a presentation this Friday on the effects of paranoia. You can either use a real life example, or you can take examples from literature.

Jane : Um, Mr. O'Neil? Do they have to be paranoid now, or can we induce paranoia in order to complete the assignment?

O'Neil : (paling slightly) Oh my! (Bt) Jane? You shouldn't, well, uh, …

As Mr. O'Neil tries to answer Jane, the bell rings, and the class files out, leaving a worried Mr. O'Neil at the front of the class.

Morgendorffer living room, later that day. Quinn, Stacy, Joey, and Jeffy are sitting around the table attempting to study.

Joey : Um, Quinn? Who won World War One?

Quinn : (annoyed) We did, Joey.

Jeffy : Uh, then why did they make a sequel?

Joey : You dummy. It was in their contract! See? It says right here in the book that World War Two was, like, consequential or something…

Stacy and Quinn exchange a look of dismay at their 'study' partners.

Quinn : Um, Joey, Jeffy? Could you get us some sodas?

Stacy : With a little slice of lemon?

Joey : I'll get you a soda Quinn.

Jeffy : No, I will.

Quinn : How about you both get a soda, one for me and one for Stacy.

Joey : Um, OK

Joey and Jeffy head into the kitchen as Quinn and Stacy return to their studies.

Stacy : How is it that they always seem to pass?

Quinn : They're on the football team. (looking at the book) How did we?

In the background, we hear two cars being started and driving off. Hearing the sound, Stacy looks up from her book and looks around.

Stacy : Um, Quinn? Are those cars leaving?

Quinn : (not looking up) Probably …

Stacy : (confused) But, why would they just leave? Didn't they want to be here?

Quinn : Oh, that would be because there's no soda in the kitchen.

Stacy : Did you know that before they asked? (Quinn nods) So, where did they go?

Quinn : My guess is the store to buy some. More history?

Stacy : If you want to, Quinn …

As Stacy and Quinn resume studying, we see Daria walk in the front door. Before she can move out of the living room, Quinn approaches her.

Quinn : Hi Daria! Studying?

Daria : Actually, I'm just standing here at the moment.

Quinn : (annoyed) Were you planning to study?

Daria : And why do you care?

Quinn : Joey and Jeffy asked me to help them study …

Daria : (deadpan) I hope you brought protection …

Quinn : DAARIA! Ewww. They wanted help for the MIDTERM. But they're, well, like …

Daria : Morons?

Quinn : Well, yeah. (pleading) Would you study down here with us again?

Daria : (matter of fact) Quinn, I am heading up to my room. I have no desire to subject myself to a night of 'studying' with football players. They're all yours.

Daria heads upstairs as an annoyed Quinn returns to studying.

Cut to the upstairs, Daria's room. We see Daria lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. Getting up, she walks over to her closet, opening the door to reveal a few of her usual outfits, a couple of different t-shirts, and three pair of jeans. Closing the closet, Daria walks back over to her bed.

Daria turns on the TV.

TV : Is your makeup causing you to retain water? Cosmetic conundrums, next on Pretty Popular Planet

Click

TV : And in the newest wrinkle in the election coverage, we have just received word that Ronald Reagan has filed for a recount of the 1984 election …

Click

TV : Buy Simpson's individual flood preventors, just the right size for workaday tidal waves

Click

TV : Next on the lifetime network, six straight hours of Abruptly Amy for your viewing pleasure

Daria turns the TV off and picks up the phone, dialing a number.

Daria : Hello?

Trent : Hey Daria

Daria : Hey Trent. Is Jane around?

Trent : Don't think so. She went running I think. Something about saving her eardrums for marriage …

Daria : (bemused) Still on that lyrics quest?

Trent : Yeah. Great stuff coming. That alien was really helpful …

Daria : (concern) Alien?

Trent : Yeah, one of those humanoid ones with the red and white skin …

Daria : Trent, are you sure that wasn't the pizza boy?

Trent : (realization) You know, that would explain why he had pizza with him …

Daria : Good luck Trent. Hope you find those lyrics.

Trent : (matter of fact) Oh, we've already found them. We just don't know what language they're in yet

Daria : (contained disbelief) Bye Trent.

Daria looks at the phone with amusement as she dials another number

Daria : (to self) Good old Trent.

Elsie : Hello, Sloane residence, Elsie speaking.

Daria : Elsie? Is Tom in?

Elsie : I don't think so. I think he got dragged off to some function with my father.

Daria : Ah, the hard life. Well, thanks anyway.

Elsie : Would you like me to tell him you called?

Daria : No, that's OK. I'll talk to him later.

Daria hangs up the phone, looking a little disappointed. Returning to her bed, she reluctantly removes a textbook and begins reading.

The next day at Lawndale High, during midterms

Quinn and the Fashion Club in Mr. DeMartino's classroom. Quinn is reading the questions and looking confident. Stacy is a bit pensive, but appears to be actually answering the questions. Sandi looks largely apathetic, and Tiffany is choosing her answers to make nice patterns on the answer sheet.

Mrs. Barch's Classroom – Daria and Jane are reading through tests marked 'For Female Goddesses Only', which appear to be a few pages thick. Pan over to Upchuck, whose test is marked 'Evil Chauvinistic Male Scumbags', and is approximately as thick as a ream of paper. The camera continues to pan to reveal Mack, who is taking a test with the label 'Almost Tolerable' at the top, and which is only about twice as thick as Daria and Jane's.

Mr. DeMartino's Classroom – Daria and Jane are working on the test in the foreground when Kevin gets up to turn in his exam. As he does so, we see that he has marked the card with all 'A's' once again.

Mrs. Bennett's classroom - Quinn and the Fashion Club are seated, taking tests. Quinn is reproducing one of Mrs. Bennett's chalkboard diagrams on her exam.

Math Classroom – We see Jane and Daria taking what is obviously a quite nasty math test. Daria seems unconcerned, and Jane looks distinctly annoyed. Nonetheless, she appears to be making decent progress on the test.

Cut to after exams. Daria and Jane are sitting in Pizza King, with a full pizza pie in front of them.

Daria : Well, that's over.

Jane : Yeah, only two more to go. Ever.

Daria : You think you'll miss it?

Daria and Jane look at each other for a moment.

Daria & Jane : (in unison) Nah …

Jane : So any bets on how well Kevin the wonder boy did this year?

Daria : Well, I'm guessing he raised his score in DeMartino's class to a two this year.

Jane : A two? How do you figure?

Daria : THIS year, I'll guess that he spelled his name right.

Jane : Daria! When did you become an optimist?

Daria : When I saw him write it on the desk before the exam?

Zoom out as Tom enters the scene. He enters the booth, sitting next to Daria and grabbing a slice of pizza for himself.

Tom : So how were the big bad midterms?

Jane : They huffed and they puffed, and they blew chunks.

Tom : That good?

Daria : Actually, they weren't all that bad, considering. Just a real waste of a day.

Jane : Speak for yourself. They have it in for me. I just know it.

Tom : Aww, getting paranoid, are we?

Jane : I'm only paranoid because they're all out to get me.

Tom : Come on, they cant ALL be after you …

Tom is about to say more, but he stops suddenly and looks at Daria. As the camera pans around, we see Daria staring into space with an evil grin on her face.

Tom : Daria? (Bt) Are you OK?

Jane : (noticing Daria) Uh oh. (Bt) Daria, just tell me that you aren't planning your revenge against me. (Bt) Again.

Daria : (realization) Huh? Oh, don't worry Jane. You are safe. As is the young Thomas.

Tom : (mock relief) My cup runneth over.

Jane : You can get the napkins then …

Tom : (mock obedience) At your service, my liege.

As Tom is about to get up, Daria leans over and whispers something into his ear. Tom's eyes go wide, and he doubles over in laughter. Jane looks on, uncertain as to what's going on.

Jane : Daria? (Bt) Is there something you'd like to tell me?

Daria : Um, I really shouldn't right now.

Jane : But you can tell Tom?

Tom looks at both Daria and Jane, and wisely flees the scene to find napkins

Daria : Jane, I really can't tell you right now.

Jane : Were you making fun of me?

Daria : (shocked) Jane! (Bt) Please trust me. It has nothing to do with you, and you will find out in due time. Just wait a few days, and all will be revealed.

Jane : But why could you tell Tom?

Tom walks up with a small stack of napkins unnoticed by Daria and Jane. Seeing what is going on, he turns back for more napkins.

Daria : (weakly) Um, its just different. (Bt) Trust me?

Jane looks at Daria skeptically, but decides against pressing the issue. Tom returns with a large (1") stack of napkins and evaluates the situation

Tom : Um, is this enough?

Jane and Daria look at Tom and the stack of napkins

Jane : Yeah, I think that should do. (Bt) For the next year or so …

Exterior of the Better Days Nursing Home. Daria rings the bell at the front door, and talks to the attendant for a few moments.

Interior of the nursing home, Daria entering a patient's room. The nurse introduces Daria to the resident, who shakes her hand. Daria sits down and begins talking and taking notes.

Cut to later. Daria closes up her notebook and thanks the elderly gentleman. Smirking, she heads out of the room.

Cut to the next day, inside Mr. DeMartino's classroom. Quinn and the Fashion club are seated as Mr. DeMartino hands back the exams, face down on the desks.

Stacy : (excited – as she turns over her exam) Wow! Guys? How did you all do?

Tiffany : Uh, 68

Sandi : (paper clearly marked with a 70) Seventy-nine

Stacy : Eighty-nine

Sandi : How about you Quinn?

Quinn : (turning over exam) Um, 103.

Tiffany : But, isn't, like 100 the highest or something?

Sandi : Remember, Tiffany dear, that QUINN got EXTRA CREDIT. (Bt) Although that sounds suspiciously like something only a BRAIN would do …

Quinn : (taunting) What, are you jealous Sandi?

Sandi : (confrontational) Why would I be jealous. Brains have to like, know stuff and read and study and all. (Bt) I guess that explains why your outfits and Stacy's have become significantly less fashionable over the past week.

Stacy : Oh no! (looks at self) I'm wearing STRIPES!

Quinn : (to Stacy) Stacy, stripes are IN now. (sweetly to Sandi) Sandi, perhaps SOME of us would actually LIKE a job that permits us to stay in a vertical position

Sandi : (livid) And just what are you implying?

Quinn : (faux surprise) What, are you too stupid to figure it out? (Bt – condescending) I could get you a book on it if you like. With lots of nice pictures and everything. (Bt) Or maybe an instruction manual? You know, insert Tab A into Slot B and all that?

Sandi looks furious at Quinn, and is about to say something when Mr. DeMartino walks past to the front of the room.

DeMartino : Well CLASS, now that I have RETURNED your PATHETIC EXCUSE for exams, would ANYONE like to plead for LENIENCY?

Fade out to the next scene as Mr. DeMartino continues to berate the class over their exams, and as Sandi glares at Quinn with an utterly hostile gaze. Quinn, for her part, is sitting back in her chair, unconcerned.

Interior of Mr. O'Neil's classroom. Upchuck is giving his presentation on paranoia.

Upchuck : So this is really a common problem for me, as many women are paranoid when I first approach them. (suave) But once they get to know the real Chuckmeister, their paranoia melts away, and they soar to heights of pleasure rarely known …

O'Neil : Um, that's very ... interesting Charles.... Moving along then. Daria? Are you ready?

As Upchuck takes a seat, we see Daria come to the front of the room with a few sheets of paper and a box. She deposits the box on Jane's desk as she walks to the front of the room. Jane opens the box to reveal a video camera and a note that reads "Record the reactions. All will be revealed."

Daria : Good morning everyone. For my report, I interviewed a resident at the Better Days Nursing Home, who for reasons of confidentiality will be known as Mr. B.

Pause as Daria turns the page of her notes.

Daria : Now, when Mr. B was a young man, he visited a psychiatrist of his own free will, because he was worried that his paranoia was affecting his life. Can anyone guess what his psychiatrist told him?

Daria pauses on the off chance that there are actually volunteers, waiting a few moments before continuing.

Daria : His psychiatrist assured him that it was all in his mind, that everyone couldn't really be against him, and that he should get on with his life. Well, he did. (Bt) The year was 1938, the place, Germany.

Jane looks up in surprise, and extracts the camera to begin to film Daria and the class

Daria : Mr. B returned to his life, working as a machinist in a small German hamlet, and attending synagogue every week. (Bt) Within two years, Mr. B was the sole Jewish survivor of his hamlet, and weighed a mere 90 pounds when allied soldiers liberated his concentration camp in 1945.

Pause as Daria turns to the last page of her notes. Jane looks at the note, and, stifling a laugh at Daria's turnabout of the situation, pans her camera to capture the class reactions to Daria's presentation.

Daria : (smirking) Mr. B's tragic story illustrates that paranoia need not be a negative force in all situations, as it is indeed possible that they ARE all after you. (Bt) Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Daria returns to her seat with a smirk, to find her note with "Nice One" written at the bottom, signed by Jane. Most of the class is looking somewhat unsettled, except for Jane who is quite amused, and Jodie, who shakes her head in disbelief. The camera centers on Mr. O'Neil, who is paler than his chalk, as the scene fades out.

O'Neil : Oh dear …


	5. Power Struggles - EAS 505

Power Struggles

Power Struggles

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #505

DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV's fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?

Morgendorffer Residence, kitchen. Daria enters the shot, walking up to the cabinet and removing a box of cereal. Opening another cabinet, she removes a bowl and a glass, and fills the bowl with cereal and replaces the cereal box in the cabinet. Opening the refrigerator, Daria proceeds to fill her glass with orange juice and pour some milk into her cereal bowl. Removing a spoon, a tired-looking Daria turns towards the kitchen table when she stops with a surprised look on her face. As the camera pans around, we see Jake at the table, with papers spread across the table, hard at work.

Daria : Dad? What are you doing up this early? (looking around) And where's the paper?

Jake : (distracted from his work) Huh? (looks up to see Daria) Oh, hi kiddo! The paper's probably still outside. (confused) Isn't a bit early for you to be up?

Daria : Um, I have the completion ceremony for that self defense class, remember?

Jake : Oh, yeah! Congratulations!

Daria : Thanks. (looking at the table) Big client?

Jake : Yeah! (thinking, excited) Hey! You need a ride?

Daria : Well, I was going to drive myself …

Jake : (disappointed) Oh.

Daria : (sighs) Would you like to drive me there dad?

Jake : (perking up) Sure thing, kiddo!

Cut to the interior of the Lexus. Jake is driving, and Daria is sitting in the passenger seat. Reaching into the back seat, Daria picks up a booklet. The back of the booklet is clearly stamped with a "Property of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting" marking. Daria turns the booklet to reveal an embossed cover reading "Lawndale Regional Power Authority – Nuclear Power Plant Proposal and Environmental Impact Statement".

Daria : Uh, dad? (holding up the pamphlet) Is this your big client?

Jake : (glancing at the pamphlet) Yeah! Isn't it great?

Daria : (confused) Dad? Didn't you and mom march against nuclear power?

Jake : (sheepishly) Well, yeah. (Bt) But you see, these guys are really being careful to preserve the environment. (proudly) I even had an independent expert review their plans, just to be sure. (gesturing at the pamphlet) Take a look for yourself. I've got extras.

Daria looks at her father with a mixture of surprise and admiration, having rarely seen Jake both excited and coherent at the same time.

Cut to Casa Lane, exterior. The camera moves up to the door and continues through into the living room. Trent is asleep on the couch, and there are a few stacks of paintings next to the television.

The camera continues up the stairs to the hallway outside of Jane's room. The hallway is cluttered with an easel, sculptures, and another stack of posters and paintings.

Panning around, the camera continues through Jane's door, revealing the interior of Jane's room. The room is stripped bare, without a single poster on the walls or painting in sight. Moving into the room, we see Jane dressed in her normal outfit collapsed on her bed, asleep. Suddenly, a shrill beep is heard as the alarm clock goes off. Jane stirs briefly, reaching out and yanking the alarm clock until the cord is pulled from the wall socket. Dropping the clock on the floor, Jane drops back onto her bed and falls asleep.

Law Firm Interior, hallway. Jake and Daria walk down the hall, stopping in front of a set of double doors marked 'Auditorium'.

Daria : Here you go dad. I have to head down this way. (pointing down the hall) They have a special section reserved for us.

Jake : Well, OK. (waiting)

Daria : Um, (resigned) thanks dad.

Jake : No problem kiddo! Glad to do it!

Daria sighs as Jake heads into the auditorium, obviously not used to focused attention from Jake. Shaking her head, she walks down to a second set of doors when she comes to a sudden halt as her eyes go wide. The camera pans around to reveal a bulletin board for company announcements. The camera centers on a bulletin reading "The Lawndale Ecological Preservation and Education Rotary Society (LEPERS) is proud to announce that they have retained the consul of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Scherecter, and Schrecter Attorneys-At-Law to contest the Lawndale Power Authority's proposed nuclear power plant. We are pleased that such an esteemed firm …"

Daria : (VO, concerned) Oh, hell.

Interior of the auditorium. There is an announcer at the podium, and a moderately dressed instructor standing on the stage with a table full of certificates alongside.

Announcer : Ms Daria Morgendorffer …

Daria walks up on stage, approaching the instructor to get the certificate.

Instructor : Here you go Daria. (shakes her hand) And if I may say so, well done.

Daria takes the certificate from the instructor, looking slightly uncomfortable.

Daria : Um, thanks. (Bt) It wasn't quite as bad as I expected.

Instructor : From you, that's high praise. Good luck out there…

Daria walks off the stage, looking slightly uncomfortable. As she walks off, she sees Jake in the audience looking proudly at his daughter. Noticing this, and a small smile forms on her face.

Cut to later in the car. Daria is reading through Jake's booklet as they drive home.

Jake : Wow Daria! I didn't know you found that type of stuff interesting …

Daria : Well, you know, power to the people and all that.

Jake : (uncertain) Um, amusing?

Daria : (looking up) You're really excited about this, aren't you?

Jake : Why do you say that?

Daria : Well, you're up early, interested in what I'm doing, haven't read the paper yet, and you are getting my jokes. Something must be up …

Jake : (sheepishly) Well, yeah. (Bt) Sorry about, well, you know.

Daria : (smiling slightly) Don't worry about it. (softly) Thanks for coming this morning.

Jake : No problem kiddo!

As Jake continues to drive, Daria looks at him with a combination of surprise and respect.

Later that day, Lane Residence. Daria walks up to the front door and knocks. Trent answers, dressed only in a loose shirt and boxer shorts. Daria looks at him in surprise and bemusement for a second before saying anything.

Daria : Um, Trent? Most people put on clothes before answering the door …

Trent : (half asleep) Huh? (looking down at self) Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was kind of asleep on the couch.

Daria : Sorry I woke you. (Bt) Was there a reason you didn't use your bed?

Trent : (thinking) Um, yeah. But I can't remember why now. (disappointed) It was a really good reason too…

Daria : You know Trent, go back to sleep. Is Jane in?

Trent : I think so. Check upstairs, I guess.

Daria walks through the door after Trent, entering the living room. For a moment, she simply stands in the now closed doorway, staring at the piles of pictures scattered about the room.

Daria : (turning towards Trent, questioning) Um, Trent?

As the camera turns with Daria, we see Trent, already asleep on the couch. Daria silently shakes her head and walks upstairs. Reaching the hallway, Daria spots the easel and the pile of posters and pictures. As she turns to investigate the rest of the hallway, we see concern slowly spreading across Daria's face. Gathering herself up, she knocks on Jane's door.

Daria : Jane? Are you alive?

Daria waits for a few moments, and is about to leave when Jane's door opens to reveal a disheveled Jane standing at the door.

Jane : (tired and depressed) Daria?

Daria : For now, at least. (noticing the bare room) Jane? Are you OK?

Jane : Just peachy Daria. Couldn't be better.

Daria : Jane?

Jane : Daria, I don't want to talk about it.

Daria : (confused) Uh, OK … (cautiously) You want some pizza? I'm buying.

Jane : I'm not really hungry. (Bt) I'd just like to be alone for a while.

Daria : (concerned) Jane? Is something wrong?

Jane : (angry) I said I don't want to talk about it. I'll see you later.

Daria looks hurt and uncertain as Jane closes the door. As Daria walks off, we cut to the inside of Jane's room, where Jane is leaning with her back to the door, her expression one of a frightened rabbit.

Jane : (overwhelmed) Now why did I do that? (walking over to her bed) Oh yeah. (heavy sarcasm) I'm an artist. We're SUPPOSED to be moody…

Cut to Pizza King. Daria is sitting in a booth alone, eating a slice of pizza as Quinn and the fashion club enter and sit in a nearby booth.

Daria : Great. The whole fashion club in one place, and me without my sword.

Pan over to Fashion Club, enjoying a no cheese no topping pizza.

Sandi : So then he took me out in his BMW to Chez Pierre, and even ordered everything in French …

Stacy : But, didn't they move here from France last year?

Sandi : (vexed) And exactly WHAT are you implying Stacy?

Stacy looks nervously at Sandi, retreating slightly

Stacy : (meekly) Sorry. I just meant that, well, it was neat that he could speak French and all …

Sandi : (smirking) Yeah, it is. (looking at Quinn) How was your date Quinn? What did he drive?

Quinn : Oh, pretty good. I think he drove a Taurus or something. (wistfully) He's really pretty interesting…

Sandi : Quinn Morgendorffer. As a member of the Fashion Club, you should know that someone who drives such a, ugh, plain car is beneath your status as Vice President. I fear that I may have to call a vote on your standing if this behavior keeps up.

Quinn looks concerned at Sandi's latest threats, and Stacy looks uncertain. Tiffany looks on with a bit more attention than usual, but is relatively disinterested in the whole conversation. Before Sandi can continue, Daria walks by, tossing her empty plate and napkins in the trash, where she notices a poster for a rally against the proposed power plant. Staring at it for a moment, she mumbles something under her breath and shakes her head. Sandi, noticing Daria, turns her attention temporarily to her.

{BGM : Metallica – Master of Puppets}

Sandi : (arrogantly) Well, it figures that you would be here alone. That guy you were seeing finally came to his senses?

Daria : (turning to Sandi) No, he's out with his friends today. I was hungry, so I stopped here for a slice of pizza.

Sandi : So he'd rather be with his friends than you? Can't say I blame him.

Daria : (calm and controlled) Unlike some people, I'm not a controlling manipulative bitch. I have no problem with him spending time with his friends, and he has no problem with me enjoying a slice of pepperoni pizza on my own.

Sandi : Pepperoni? Don't you know that pepperoni goes straight to your thighs?

Daria : That's what a plate is for Sandi…

Sandi : (annoyed) Why are you still here?

Daria : Well, I usually don't leave when people are talking with me. Although you do give me reason to reconsider that policy.

Sandi : Huh?

Daria : To put this in terms you can understand, you are obnoxious and boring.

Daria walks out of the picture, leaving an annoyed Sandi glaring at her as she leaves.

Sandi : Quinn, why does your sister think that she can talk to me like that? Who does she think she is?

Quinn : (sardonically) Why don't you ask her?

Sandi glares at Quinn, but declines to say anything more on the subject, instead reaching for a slice of pizza. Quinn smirks slightly, but hides it from Sandi.

Cut to the mall, where the Quinn and the Fashion Club are walking through the mall with an assortment of bags with them. As the camera zooms in, the group is passing by the Books By The Ton store.

Sandi : Hey, look! It's Quinn's favorite store!

Quinn : But Cashmans … (notices the store) Very funny Sandi. Just because I want to have a life after high school doesn't make me an egg-headed freak or anything…

Sandi : If you say so Quinn. (looking at Stacy) But it seems to be spreading. (Bt – faux thinking) I seem to remember that when people got sick with diseases that spread, they put them in quinine…

Stacy : (thought VO) That's quarantine (out loud) But Sandi…

Sandi : (hostile) Yes Stacy?

Stacy : Um, nothing! Sorry!

As the fashion club continues through the mall, they walk past a bench where we see Jane sitting with a sketchbook.

Sandi : So Quinn, what DOES a BRAIN feel like?

Jane : (VO - disinterested) Soft, warm, and squishy, like a bowl of cooked spaghetti.

Sandi stops and looks at Jane, who is totally ignoring her. Getting no response of any kind from Jane, Quinn and the Fashion club head off into the mall as the camera stays with Jane.

Jane is sitting on a bench, looking out over a fountain surrounded by a ring of flowers. Zooming in on Jane's sketchbook, there is a pencil drawing of Jane standing alone on a moonscape, her hand reaching out towards the blue-white marble of the earth in the distance. As Jane refines the sketch, we notice that Jane is missing an ear. Sighing, Jane closes her sketchbook and stares at the fountain.

Begin Flashback Sequence

IIFY, at the art colony.

Daniel : (standing in front of sculpture) When I unveiled Paper Plate Genocide in 1991, it was hailed as intriguing, provocative, and brilliant, and not just by me. (artists laugh, except for Jane) No, we all know that critics tend to get carried away. But was I thinking when I created a work that was both seminal and semiotic?

Jane : I can't believe I'm getting away with it?

Paris : Excuse me, Mr. Dotson?

Daniel : Please, Paris isn't it? Call me Daniel.

Paris : Daniel, I just want to say I think you're the greatest living artist of our time.

Jane : And not just because I have no taste.

Artist : I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?

Allison : My alimony bills.

Daniel : I don't sit around and wait for inspiration. I grab it, in the glint of the sun on a frozen peak, in the pain of an arthritic's hobble, in a lover's whisper in the dark. So I'd have to say my inspiration comes from life itself.

Artist : Wow!

Daniel : Well, that's enough of the old windbag's ramblings for today. We'll pick up here tomorrow. (artists groan their disappointment, then applaud)

_Cut to later at the Art Colony_

Man : And Daniel, that man is brilliant!

Paris : He said my white on white painting was a stroke of inspiration.

Man : I'll bet you two have explored all sorts of strokes together. (Paris and Anaïs laugh) Oh well, I suppose genius does have its prerogatives.

Jane : Well I don't know if Daniel's a genius...

Paris : No offense Jane but, aren't you still in high school? How much can you know about art at this point?

Cut to restaurant, Jane and Allison sharing a booth

Allison : You and your future, me and my so-called career, I guess we've each got something the other would love to have.

Cut to camp exterior

Allison : Who's looking for romance? I just want to have a little fun.

Jane : And if it's with someone who can introduce you to a few gallery owners, that's not so bad either, eh? I think I'm beginning to see how the art world works.

Allison : God, high school. It's all such a big deal to you guys. You take everything so seriously. (leaves)

Jane : Like someone telling you 'you give off gay vibes just so because they're trying to get into your pants!'

End Flashback sequence

Sighing, Jane shakes her head and walks off.

{BGM : Billy Joel- Shades of Grey}

Cut to Morgendorffer Residence, living room. We see Jake sitting on the couch with a martini nearby, looking very somber. The camera pans slightly to reveal Daria coming down the stairs into the living room. As Daria turns, she spots Jake on the couch, noticing his mood. Confused, she walks into the living room towards Jake. Suddenly, she stops and turns toward the kitchen with a look of surprise on her face.

Daria : Mom? (surprise) What are you doing home?

Helen : (VO) Oh, hi Daria. (Bt) I just got assigned to a big case starting tomorrow, so I thought that I would come home early today to spend some time with my family.

Daria : (sense of dread spreading over her face) What case is that?

Helen : (VO - offhand) Oh, nothing you need to worry about. Just a case against a proposed nuclear power plant that the Power Authority is looking to build here.

Daria : (concerned) Why did they assign you to the case?

Helen : (VO) Oh, it's a big, high profile case, and the Power Authority doesn't take too well to legal action.

Daria simply stares at the kitchen, then slowly turns to look at Jake. Jake looks at her, his face drowning in sorrow, and shakes his head from side to side. Seeing this, Daria's expression turns to a mixture of pity and concern as she heads back upstairs to her room.

Interior of Daria's room. Daria is sitting at her computer, alternating between reading Jake's pamphlet and working on her computer. Shaking her head, she reaches down for a notebook when someone knocks at the door.

Daria : (turning towards the door) Yes?

The door opens to reveal a nervous looking Quinn standing at the door. She cautiously walks through the door, closing it behind her.

Quinn : Um, Daria? Could I ask you something?

Daria : It's a relatively free country…

Quinn : How do you deal with Sandi so well?

Daria : I don't. I try not to deal with Sandi at all…

Quinn : Well, this afternoon, she was being like, really mean to you, but you just ignored her. (Bt) How can you do that?

Daria : Do you really want to know my secret?

Quinn : (excited) Yes!

Daria : (matter of fact) I don't care.

Quinn : (slightly hurt) Hey! If you don't want to tell me, then don't tell me. But you don't have to lead me on like that.

Daria : (sighs, looks up at Quinn) Quinn, I wasn't leading you on, and I did tell you. The reason I can deal with Sandi is that I don't care.

Quinn : I don't get it.

Daria : (disappointed) Look. I don't particularly like Sandi, and she doesn't like me. So why should I care what she thinks?

Quinn : But aren't you worried that she'll talk about you? Spread rumors?

Daria : Again, I don't care. If someone is ready to judge me based on rumors and hearsay, then I don't particularly want them as my friend.

Quinn : (not fully understanding) But, you really don't care about what people say? Or the rumors? How can you just let people think you're a loser?

Daria : (loaded) I've lived with you for almost seventeen years …

Quinn looks devastated at this, but makes no attempt at a retort. She turns to leave, opening the door.

Quinn : Daria? (meekly) I'm sorry.

Quinn walks out, closing the door behind her, leaving an uncertain Daria still sitting in her chair. She slowly turns, returning to her computer and back to work.

Daria : (to self) You know, she was so much easier to dislike before she found a conscience …

Restaurant Interior. Daria and Tom are seated at the table, each with a burger and french fries in front of each of them. Tom looks a bit uncomfortable, and Daria looks annoyed and preoccupied.

Tom : Daria? Is everything OK? (Bt) You look … concerned.

Daria : (flatly) I'm fine.

Tom : (warily) OK, but, well, that's about all you've said to me all night.

Daria : It's been an, um, eventful day. I'd prefer to forget all about it.

Tom : Is there anything I can do?

Daria : (annoyed) I don't feel like talking about it Tom.

Tom : (defensive) OK, OK! (Bt) Could you at least tell me if it's my fault?

Daria : (sighing) Look, it's been a long day. I think I'd just like to go home. I'll call you later.

Daria gets up from the table and leaves the restaurant, with a very confused looking Tom remaining behind.

Tom : (to no one in particular) Well, that was interesting. (Bt) Did anyone catch exactly what happened here?

Lawndale High, the next day. Daria is at her locker, removing her books for class. As she moves to close her locker, we see brief movement at the edge of the screen.

Daria : (turning her head) Morning Jane, how's…

Daria stops and stares at Jane as the camera pans around. As Jane comes into view, we see that she is dressed quite differently, wearing a pair of blue jeans, a purple shirt, and a pair of sunglasses. Her usual earrings are gone, and she looks a bit depressed.

Daria : Um, Jane? Run-in with the fashion police?

Jane looks at Daria for a second, her face covered in uncertainty, before turning and heading off to class.

Mr. DeMartino's classroom. The board is covered with notes relating to the buildup to the Korean War. Mr. DeMartino stands in front of the classroom as class begins. Daria looks over at a distressed looking Jane, who is in an almost zombie-like state.

DeMartino : OK CLASS, would ANYONE like to SURPRISE me by outlining the geopolitical CONCERNS that led up to the KOREAN WAR, as OUTLINED in your assigned reading? (scanning the class for volunteers) How about you BRITTANY?

Brittany : But this is history, not geography …

DeMartino : Let me put the question a DIFFERENT way, Brittany. Why did the UNITED STATES get involved in the SOVIET-BACKED civil WAR between the DEMOCRATIC South Koreans and the COMMUNIST North Koreans?

Brittany thinks for a second, twirling her hair

Brittany : Um, because they wanted cheap takeout food?

Shaking his head in disappointment, Mr. DeMartino searches the class for another volunteer. Seeing a hand raise, he looks up with a slight air of approval.

Jodie : The US entered the Korean Conflict (Mr. DeMartino winces slightly at the word Conflict) in the hopes of containing the spread of communism in the Asia-Pacific theatre.

DeMartino : THANK YOU, Jodie. Now I SUPPOSE that it would be FRUITLESS to ask if ANYONE knows if these GOALS were actually REALIZED through AMERICAN MILLITARY INTERVENTION, but, since I CHOSE to become a TEACHER, I must ask you ANYWAY. (scanning class) Jane! Can YOU answer my question?

Jane : (flatly) No.

Mr. DeMartino looks at Jane with surprise, clearly not expecting such an overt negative response.

DeMartino : And if I may ASK, WHY not?

Jane : (matter of fact) Because I didn't read the chapter.

Daria looks at Jane with a mixture of concern and shock as Mr. DeMartino looks uncertain as to how to proceed. Noticing this, Daria raises her hand, attracting Mr. DeMartino's attention.

DeMartino : Yes Daria?

Daria : The Korean War was not a decisive victory for either side. While the communist advance was halted and reversed at times, it had little effect on further communist expansions.

Mr. DeMartino looks at Daria for a second, not having expected her response. Giving a final glance at Jane, he turns his full attention to Daria.

DeMartino : So what WAS the major effect of the Korean War?

Daria : (deadpan) War, Pestilence, Famine, and Death.

Fade to the next scene as Mr. DeMartino briefly shakes his head and walks back to the front of the class.

Casa Lane. Trent is on the living room couch, strumming a few chords and jotting down notes in his songbook as Jane enters through the front door. Jane still looks downcast and uncertain as she looks at the stacks of paintings piled in the living room.

Trent : Hey Janey.

Jane : (somber) Hey Trent.

Trent : You OK?

Jane : (obvious lie) Yeah, I'm fine.

Trent : Hey, where'd you go off to after that gig Sunday? I thought you were coming with us for burgers …

Jane : (detached) Oh, nowhere. I wasn't hungry …

Begin Flashback Sequence

Interior of the Zon. Mystik Spiral is on stage, performing Icebox Woman. Jane is standing alone near the bar when she's approached by two young men.

Paul : Hey there. I'm Paul, and this (gesturing) is Mike.

Jane : Jane.

Mike : (slightly inebriated) So Jane, what do you think of the music?

Paul : Its really quite …

Jane : (interrupting) I should probably tell you that the lead singer is my brother.

Mike : Oh. I didn't mean …

Jane : (smirking) Yes you did. (Bt - teasing) But I suppose I'll talk to you anyway.

Mike : Gee, so generous of you. (Bt) You want a drink?

Jane : (slightly hesitant) Sure, why not.

Mike walks over to the bar to place an order as Paul moves slightly closer to Jane.

Paul : So, this is your brother?

Jane : Yep.

Paul : Does the band have a studio or something?

Jane : Our basement?

Paul : (faux amazement) Wow! And you can still hear?

Jane : (loudly) What?

Paul laughs as Mike returns with a beer for Jane. Jane takes the beer with trepidation, although Mike and Paul seem not to notice.

Jane : Hey, thanks. (sips beer) (thought VO) OK Jane, next time you're flirting, remember that you don't like beer

Mike : No problem. So, are you a musician too? Do you have a band?

Jane : After seeing the glorious life my brother gets to live? (Bt) No. I'm not.

Paul : So what do you do? College?

Jane : Nope. Senior at Lawndale High. Unfortunately. But I'm an artist.

Mike : (jokingly) Isn't art something you do when you can't decide a major in college?

Jane shoots Mike a dirty look, but Mike fails to pick up on it.

Mike : (slightly drunk) Hey Paul, what was the name of that art chick from our freshman year?

Paul : (discouraging tone) Uh, Grace I think?

Mike : Man, she knew how to show you a good time. Good old Amazin' Grace …

Jane looks at Mike in disgust, and Paul in annoyance. Mike, for his part, hasn't realized what he's done yet.

Trent : (VO) Janey? You OK? (Bt) Jane?

End Flashback Sequence

Jane : Yeah Trent, I'm fine. I just have some, uh, work to do.

Trent : Oh yeah. High school stuff. (proudly) Glad that's done with.

Jane heads upstairs as Trent laughs briefly and resumes working on his music.

Morgendorffer Living room. Jake is asleep in the couch, a martini on the table next to him. Daria enters through the front door, and looks at Jake with pitying concern.

Jake : (in sleep, mumbling) Who cares if you want pizza Jake, you father wants steak … I don't care if you wanted to go to tennis camp, you need to toughen up in military school … What about what Jake wants?

Daria shakes her head and walks over to the hall closet, removing a blanket when she notices a box hidden in the back of the closet. Reaching down, she peers into the box to reveal a pair of platform shoes, a battered notebook, and a powered bullhorn.

Daria : (softly, to self) What's this? (examining the bullhorn) I thought Mom got rid of this after the move from Highland. (thinking) Although it DID seem to motivate the workmen …

Daria takes the blanket over to the couch, covering Jake. As she does, Jake turns in his sleep and seems to calm slightly. Looking at the table, Daria picks up the martini, swirling slightly as she stares at the glass. Shrugging, she takes a tentative sip, her face quickly registering extreme disgust. She quietly puts the glass down and heads towards the stairs.

Daria : (softly) God! How can anyone drink that?

As Daria begins to head upstairs, there is a knock at the front door. Turning reluctantly, Daria opens the door to reveal Jane, still dressed as she was in school.

Daria : Jane?

Jane : Hey Daria.

Daria : Um, Jane? Would you like to come in?

Jane : (slightly embarrassed) Uh, sure.

Cut to Daria's room, interior. Both Daria and Jane are sitting on the bed. Daria looks concerned, and Jane simply looks exhausted.

Daria : If you don't mind my asking, what's with the new outfit? Shaking up your image?

Jane : (sarcastic) Yeah, as if I need that.

Daria : Um, Jane? Is something wrong?

Jane looks at Daria for a moment, and hands a folded sheet of paper to Daria. Daria looks at the paper, which turns out to be an application for art school. Midway down the page is a highlighted question – "Why do you want to be an artist?"

Daria : (warily) Um, OK …

Jane : I don't know how to answer it.

Daria : Well, why do you want to be an artist?

Jane : Um, well, I'm not that certain that I do …

Daria : (surprised) What?

Jane : Did I ever tell you about this summer?

Daria : Parts of it …

Fade to later, same setting

Jane : So that's about when you came down with Trent…

Daria : I didn't realize that the summer was so ... interesting for you. (Bt – thinking) So let me get this straight. Do you still like art?

Jane : Yes.

Daria : But you don't really like artists?

Jane : No.

Daria : And you're not sure that you want to be identified as an artist, given what you now know.

Jane : Correct.

Daria : (curious) But why now? You seemed OK with it when you got back …

Jane : Well .. (softly) Can I just say that I had a little, well, conversation with a couple of guys during one of Trent's gigs?

Daria : (teasing) Would these be guys that you (Bt) appreciate?

Jane : Oh, shut up. Once this one guy found out I was an artist, he seemed to think that I was, well, easy.

Daria : (concerned) You didn't!

Jane : (shocked) Daria! (Bt) No, I didn't do anything. I left, came home, cleared out my room and fell asleep. I just needed to think …

Daria : And you came up with that fashion combination?

Jane : Quiet you.

Daria : So, what are you going to do?

Jane : (getting up) I don't know. But thanks for listening.

Daria : (resigned) No problem.

As Jane gets up, she notices that Daria appears somewhat preoccupied.

Jane : Daria? Are you OK?

Daria : (depressed) No. But I'll be fine.

Jane : Daria?

Daria just looks at Jane, with a concerned but depressed stare. Jane looks at Daria with sympathy, trying to give Daria an opening.

Daria : Don't worry Jane, I'll be fine. Really. (Bt) Until the furies arrive, that is.

Jane looks somewhat uncomfortable with this, but decides against pressing the issue any further.

Cut to a large field, where a protest is in progress against the proposed power plant. An environmental activist is standing at the podium, speaking to a reasonably large crowd.

Activist : And so, do we want this nuclear power plant? With the nuclear waste? The danger to each and every one of us?

Crowd : No!

Daria : (VO, loud) Yes, we do.

The announcer looks surprised, and scans the crowd for the new voice. As the camera pans around, we see Daria standing on the edge of the crowd with the bullhorn. Upon seeing Daria, the activist smiles slightly before going on the offensive.

Activist : (arrogant) Will all due respect little girl, what do you possibly know about the nuclear waste that this proposed plant will produce?

Daria : (annoyed) Well, I know that the Power Authority has contracted to deliver the waste to a research lab that has been doing some very promising work on reprocessing and accelerated breakdown of dangerous materials.

Activist : Nuclear waste is nuclear waste, no matter where you ship it.

Daria : (undaunted) I ALSO know that the coal-fired plant that they wish to replace spews out more radioactivity per kilowatt than the proposed nuclear plant, not to mention sulfur, carbon dioxide, and other contaminants.

Activist : Now where did you figure this out? (condescendingly) The local library?

Daria : (annoyed) No, from the official environmental impact statement submitted to the EPA.

Activist : Propaganda to satisfy the corrupt administrators.

Daria : (proudly) A statement that was INDEPENDENTLY CONFIRMED by the very same auditing agency that you have repeatedly used to verify your own claims?

Activist : Well, anyone can buy a report justifying their opinion …

Daria : And exactly what does that say about you?

Activist : Um …

Before the activist can come up with a response, two security personnel approach Daria from either side.

Guard #1 : OK Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

Guard #2 : You're not authorized as a speaker at this demonstration.

Daria begins to leave, and the guards start to walk back towards the podium when Daria turns suddenly.

Daria : (sarcastically) Well, it would appear that this is not a demonstration, but a propaganda meeting. How wrong of me to assume that dissenting opinions would be considered in a rational manner. I leave you to slander in peace.

Before the guards can get back, Daria turns off the bullhorn and walks away. As she does so, a murmur goes through the crowd, and several small groups begin to leave, despite the best efforts of the activists. Unseen to Daria, a calm man in a full suit and tie is looking at her as she leaves, taking notes as she goes.

Mall interior. Quinn and an unidentified male student are sitting at a table in the food court. Both are eating dinner, Quinn is eating Chinese food, and her companion pizza.

Quinn : So Andrew, what did you think of the movie?

Andrew : Oh, not bad. Plenty of explosions and cgi work, but not much of a plot.

Quinn : CGI?

Andrew : Computer Generated Imaging. Most of those high-speed action scenes involved CGI.

Quinn : (confused) But, how did they get the people in? Were they, like, computer generated?

Andrew : Some were. Some are real people. Why do you ask?

Quinn : Oh, I just never thought about it before. (hyper mode) You know, like Jurassic Park, where they have all those neat dinosaurs and everything. I mean, I know that they couldn't REALLY be real dinosaurs, but I never really thought how they did them because they just looked neat, but a little scary …

{BGM : Natalie Imbruglia – Don't You Think?}

Quinn is about to continue when she spies Sandi with shopping bags in hand. Quinn turns in an attempt to avoid notice, but her action draws Sandi's attention. As the camera shifts to Sandi, we see her eyes narrow and a smirk form on her face as she turns towards Quinn and Andrew.

Sandi : Quinn? (glaring at Andrew) Is this your ride today?

Quinn : (nervous, but attempting to seem confident) No, 'this' is Andrew, my date.

Sandi : (zooming in for the kill) Your 'date' is taking you to dinner at the FOOD COURT? (Bt) Quinn Morgendorffer, I do not believe that you are acting in the best interests of the Fashion Club.

Quinn : I don't remember the Fashion Club having ANY say in who I date and when! (menacing) I don't criticize the way you whore yourself to anyone with a nice car … (thought VO) just like I used to do …

Sandi : I DO NOT! I am simply very selective of my dates.

Quinn : (under breath) A rose by any other name …

Sandi : (not quite catching it) What was that? (looking at the table) And what are you eating?

Quinn : Tangerine Beef. With lo mein.

Sandi : Ick! That's, like, full of fat! How can you eat that stuff?

Quinn : (mocking) Oh, it's quite easy. Watch. You take one chopstick like this …

Sandi : That's not what I meant!

Quinn : Whatever. Don't you have more shopping to do?

Sandi : You're lucky I have a date tonight. (taunting) But I think the whole fashion club needs to hear about this tomorrow …

Sandi walks back to the mall interior with a victorious grin on her face.

Quinn : Oh, great.

Andrew : Who exactly was that?

Quinn : That would be Sandi. Head of the Fashion Club. And threatened by my mere existence.

Andrew : So why do you put up with it?

Fade to the next scene as Quinn looks at Andrew with a curious look, pondering his question.

The next day, in the halls of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are talking in front of their lockers. Jane is still dressed unusually, although her earrings have been replaced.

Daria : So, any progress on your essay?

Jane : Well, I've written a lot, some of it might actually be legible …

Daria : That doesn't answer my question, you know …

Jane : No, it doesn't.

Quinn walks up to the two, looking at Jane and her outfit a bit strangely.

Quinn : Um, Daria, Jane? (nervously) Could I ask you something?

Daria : I suppose. (Bt) Aren't you afraid of the Fashion Nazis?

Quinn : They're in the bathroom. I've got a while. (softly) Um, how do you know when you, um, like a guy?

Daria : Quinn?

Quinn : Like, how did you know that you liked Tom?

Jane : Which one of us are you asking?

Quinn looks worried for a second, and seems to be considering leaving. Hesitating a moment, she shores herself up and resumes her questioning.

Quinn : Um, I'm not really sure …

Daria : Quinn? What's going on here?

Quinn : Well, (looks around nervously) I was eating at the food court with Andrew last night …

Daria : Andrew?

Jane : Food Court?

Quinn : Well, its like, he doesn't have a great car or lots of money, and he's not really popular and all, but he's sort of, like, interesting or something. I mean, I don't know if I really like him in THAT way, but I don't know why Sandi is making such a big deal of it.

Jane : (laughs softly) You know, Daria didn't much like Tom when I first met him.

Daria : Stop sugar coating it. He was right up there on my list with the Fashion Club …

Quinn : Hey! (Bt) So, uh, what did you do?

Jane : Well, we fought for a while, but we both managed to get so mad at my brother that we kind of just worked it out …

Quinn : So things just got better?

Jane : Well, it took a while, but yes. (Bt – teasing at Daria) Before I knew it, my boyfriend and my best friend were making out in his car in front of your house.

Daria blushes and retreats slightly as Quinn looks at her with a mixture of amazement and respect

Quinn : You mean, the rumors were true? (Bt – realization) That morning? You were serious?

Daria : Yes Quinn. (deadpan) I'm a vicious backstabbing bitch who stole her best friend's boyfriend.

Jane : (teasing, with a touch of hurt) Hey, at least you missed the vital organs.

Daria : I've been trained now. My aim will be better next time.

Jane glares at Daria with a hostile but playful glare as Quinn looks on nervously.

Quinn : Um, guys? (worried) What do I do?

Daria : Quinn, do you want Sandi to arrange your dates for you?

Quinn : Uh, no …

Daria : Then do whatever you want. If Sandi is really your friend, she should understand. If not, she's just using you.

Quinn : Oh …

A confused Quinn walks off as Daria and Jane exchange surprised gazes.

Jane : The great Quinn Morgendorffer asking US for dating advice?

Daria : I'm expecting to wake up any day now …

Elsewhere in the halls of Lawndale High, Quinn walks up to join the rest of the Fashion Club as they head down the hall as a group.

Sandi : Quinn! How nice of you to join us. Tired from your date last night?

Quinn : Of course not Sandi.

Sandi : (baiting) I suppose not, as he's OBVIOUSLY not very popular …

Quinn : Sandi, are you trying to imply something?

Sandi : Quinn, would I do something like that? I'm only looking out for your best interests …

{BGM : Dave Matthews Band – Don't Drink the Water}

Quinn looks annoyed and angry at Sandi. As she looks over, Sandi's face takes on a small grin at Quinn's predicament. Once Quinn sees this, her face takes on an air of hardened determination.

Quinn : (hostile) I think that you would do anything that makes you look good at our expense.

The Fashion Club stops in the hallway, with Sandi skewering Quinn with an angry glare. Stacy and Tiffany are looking on in shock, uncertain as to what is going on.

Sandi : (angrily) Would you like to explain yourself?

Quinn : What's to explain? You menace poor Stacy anytime she acts as anything other than your yes-girl. You constantly look for ways to tear me down in front of my friends and classmates, and you treat Tiffany as if she's a three year old.

Sandi : I most certainly do not!

Quinn : Even you can't possibly believe THAT.

Sandi : (angry and frustrated) Well, (without thinking) if you're so smart, maybe we should make YOU the president.

Quinn : OK by me. (To Tiffany and Stacy) All opposed?

Neither Tiffany nor Stacy raises their hand. Sandi looks confused at first, then, as she realizes exactly what she has done, her face contorts into an expression of outright rage.

Sandi : (yelling) You can't do this!

Quinn : (with great satisfaction) I just did. (to Stacy) Stacy, I appoint you as the new Vice President. (to Tiffany) Tiffany, if you would accept, I'd like to offer you the position of Treasurer.

Tiffany : Um, OK.

Sandi : You can't do this. Just ask anyone! They'll tell you that I, Sandi Griffin, am the President of the Fashion Club!

To prove her point, Sandi turns and grabs a random passerby. Unfortunately for Sandi, we see that the passerby is Jane. Jane takes in the situation, none too happy with being dragged away from her business, and notices Quinn's smug look.

Sandi : Excuse me, like, whoever you are. Could you tell me who the RIGHTFUL president of the FASHION CLUB is?

Jane looks at Sandi, hesitating a moment before answering.

Jane : (attempting to be flippant) Oh, that would be Quinn. She IS the most popular after all, and smart too.

Sandi : (outraged) WHAT!

Sandi mumbles a few incoherent words under her breath, and storms off in anger. Jane looks bemused at the whole exchange, and walks away from the remains of the Fashion Club.

Tiffany : So, if you're the President now, when do we go to Cashmans?

Quinn : Tiffany, you don't need to ask me if you can go to Cashmans.

Tiffany : Uh, but why not?

Quinn : (sighing) Because as president, I am saying that as of now, you can go to Cashmans whenever you want.

Tiffany : Oh, thanks … so when do we go to Cashmans?

Morgendorffer residence, later that day. Daria is in her room, reading Stranger in a Strange Land, when Helen opens the door and enters the room. Daria looks at her mother, and noticing the serious look on her face, closes her book and stands up.

Daria : Can I help you?

Helen : (business-like) You know, there was a protest against the proposed nuclear power plant the other day.

Daria : (suspicious, but reserved) Oh? Is that so?

Helen : Our firm of course had a number of 'observers' in the crowd, judging public opinion and whatnot.

Daria : (warily) OK …

Helen : One of them reported an unscheduled member of the audience who had a "significantly detrimental effect on the credibility of our clients and their claims"

Daria : Last I knew, the right of peaceable expression was covered by the clause "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press"

Helen : (ignoring the comment) One of our observers said that this audience member was a "woman, probably a college freshman, wearing a dark colored skirt, glasses, and dark green jacket." (friendly but dangerous) Would you like to tell me what you think of this?

Daria : Obviously, a girl with excellent fashion sense.

Helen : Daria, where were you yesterday afternoon?

Daria : I believe that I will exercise my fifth amendment rights.

Helen : (annoyed) Daria, you know how important this case is to me. Why would you go and do something like this?

Daria : Because they were wrong. They were making claims that were not true, and I exposed them.

Helen : (defeated) OK. How much?

Daria : What?

Helen : How much do you want to leave this alone?

Daria : Mother, they are wrong. Not inconvenient, not merely differing in opinion, but plain wrong. This is not a matter of money.

Helen : Twenty.

Daria stares at Helen in a poignant silence

Helen : Thirty

Daria : (disgusted) No.

Helen : Fifty.

Daria : No.

Helen : One hundred.

Daria : The answer is still no.

Helen : (pleading) Daria, what can I give you to convince you to stop?

Daria : A Writ of Certiorari?

Helen : (angry) Well, I never! (Bt) Daria, you are grounded.

A distressed and annoyed Helen exits the room in an angry huff. Daria looks on with concern and annoyance.

Daria : Well, that went better than expected …

Living room, Casa Lane. Trent is working on a song in the living room as Jane enters from the kitchen with a sandwich in one hand.

Trent : Janey? Where'd you find that?

Jane : Huh?

Trent : The sandwich.

Jane : I made it. You know, bread and peanut butter …

Trent : Mmmm … Wish I'd thought of that.

Jane : You know, there's more food in the kitchen. (Bt) You should enjoy it while it lasts.

Trent : Yeah, but I'm working on my song.

Jane : Trent, you've been working on that song since tenth grade.

Trent : Hey, if you give up, you'll never know what could have been.

Jane looks at Trent in contemplation.

Trent : This could be the song that makes it big for us. Just think platinum.

Jane : Instead of blunt cranial trauma?

Trent : Cranial Trauma … Hmmm … That could make a really good song …

Jane : (Monty-Python style) Run away! Run away!

Jane heads upstairs smirking slightly as Trent takes out his song notebook and begins to write down song ideas.

Interior of Cashmans. Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are trying on outfits in front of the mirrors. Quinn looks a bit frazzled as Stacy turns to her with an outfit in hand.

Stacy : Quinn?

Quinn : Yes Stacy?

Stacy : (holding up a potential outfit) Does this combination work?

Quinn : (looking at the Stacy) Well, what do you think?

Stacy : Huh? (Bt - concerned) Does that mean that you don't like it?

Quinn : Um, no. But you're going to be wearing it.

Stacy : So?

Quinn : (sighing) So shouldn't you decide if YOU like it first?

Stacy : (uncertain) But Sandi always said that the president must approve of all fashion decisions. And since you're the president now …

Quinn : (slightly offended) Sandi is not the president anymore. I trust the members of the fashion club to exercise their best judgment with regards to their choice of wardrobe.

Tiffany : Uh, I don't get it …

Quinn : You can choose your own outfits. You may ask me if you like, but you don't need to ask me before you decide.

Tiffany : Oh … Does this make me look fat?

Quinn looks at Tiffany, who is dressed in a dark purple dress with a cutout at the navel and another in back, from the shoulder blades to the small of her back. The dress is at least two sizes too small, and is obviously very tight on Tiffany.

Quinn : (hesitant) Um … Yes, it does. (Bt – uncertain) Try one (looking at Tiffany) one or two sizes bigger maybe?

Tiffany turns to look at Quinn, who appears a bit concerned. This concern turns to confusion as she sees that Tiffany has a slight smile on her face.

Tiffany : Uh, thanks.

Interior of Daria's room. Daria is lying on the bed staring at the ceiling when the phone rings. Reluctantly, Daria sits up and answers the phone.

Daria : This is Daria Morgendorffer, head inmate at the looney bin. All of the other inmates are currently in electro-therapy, but if you'll leave a message, I'll carve it into my arm for fun …

Tom : Head looney? Getting delusions of grandeur are we?

Daria : Way to be the sensitive and supportive boyfriend …

Tom : One of the benefits of being male.

Daria : I'll tell Ms. Barch you said so. Did you want something, or were you just taunting me?

Tom : Well, I tried being nice last time, with disappointing results, so I thought I'd try a different angle.

Daria : (somber) Look Tom, I'm sorry about that. It was kind of a hard day, and I just needed to be alone. It's not your fault.

Tom : Um, is this one of these things I should just accept?

Daria : Yes.

Tom : (uncertain) Well … are you free tonight? Pizza? I'm buying …

Daria : (slightly embarrassed) Um, I can't. I'm, well, grounded.

Tom : Grounded? What did you do?

Daria : (heavy sarcasm) I chose to exercise my first amendment rights in a manner that was inconvenient to my mother.

Tom : And that's a grounding offense?

Daria : Well, even a perfect child makes enough mistakes to justify grounding them if you look hard enough.

Tom : I can just imagine how easy it was with you then.

Daria : (outrage) Hey! (Bt – bemused) You calling me easy?

Tom : Hmmm. 'Easy Morgendorffer' … Nope, I think Daria sounds better.

Daria : Gee, thanks. (Bt – sincere) And thanks for calling.

Tom : No problem. Hope I didn't interrupt anything.

Daria : I'll call back and let you know the results of the ceiling crack recount effort. Assuming I don't fall asleep, that is.

Cut to the next day, in the halls of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are standing around the lockers, talking. Jane has reverted to her usual mode of dress.

Daria : So the magical morphing wardrobe has disappeared?

Jane : Actually, I just got tired of it. (Bt) You know, this is just, well, who I am. I'm an artist, like it or not.

Daria : Jane Lane, philosopher extraordinaire?

Jane : Since when is a wardrobe change considered philosophy?

Daria : You just had to say it, didn't you?

Jane : (confused) What?

Daria : (pointing) Something wicked this way comes …

The camera pans to reveal Sandi walking up to Daria. Sandi approaches Daria with an angry gaze, completely ignoring Jane.

{BGM : Billy Joel – Pressure}

Sandi : YOU!

Daria : (looking around) Um, me?

Sandi : Yes, you! If it weren't for you, I would still be the fashion club president.

Daria : (utter confusion) Wait a minute. Who is the president now?

Sandi : Your sister Quinn. Who you turned into a brain to destroy my life.

Daria : Sandi, you may not believe it, but not everything revolves around you. I had nothing to do with Quinn and her coup.

Sandi : Her what?

Daria : (condescending) I didn't convince her to take over the fashion club. (matter of fact) In fact, I didn't know until just now.

Sandi : Do you really expect me to believe that, you brain?

Daria : (exasperated) Honestly, I couldn't care less about you and the Fashion Club, or what you believe.

Daria turns to leave the scene as Sandi's face flushes red with rage. Suddenly, Sandi makes a fist and swings at Daria. Drawn by the motion, Daria turns her attention back towards Sandi just in time to catch her fist on the side of her face. Thrown off balance, Daria stumbles down on one knee, facing away from Sandi. As the camera zooms in on her face, we see first a look of pure, uncontrolled fury on Daria's face, which is quickly replaced with a look of absolute calm and control. The camera zooms out to show a growing crowd as Daria stands and turns to face Sandi, who looks ready to fight.

Voice in Crowd : "Fight! Fight!"

Sandi : Come on, you brain. (incredulous) Are you just going to stand there?

Daria says nothing, merely staring coolly at Sandi. Jane moves to assist Daria, who waves her off surreptitiously. Sandi again swings at Daria, connecting with her lower jaw. Prepared, Daria barely moves her head, and only minimally acknowledges that Sandi has even struck her.

Sandi : What, too chicken to fight? Or are you just afraid? I should have known that you would be a total wimp …

Sandi swings again, this time striking Daria in the stomach. Again, Daria simply stares at Sandi with a cool, detached glare. Sandi stares at her for a moment, trying to figure out what exactly is going on.

Sandi : (cocking fist – arrogantly) I should have figured that a brain would be too scared to even speak when there are no books to hide behind.

Sandi moves to punch Daria again when she finds her arm suddenly immobilized. Surprised, she turns to see Mr. DeMartino, looking harshly at Sandi, her forearm locked in his grasp.

DeMartino : Miss GRIFFIN, may I ASSUME that if I RELEASE your ARM, that you will DESIST from your current course of ACTION? Or would you PREFER that I DRAG you down to Ms. Li's office AS YOU ARE.

Sandi : (meekly – worried) I'll stop. (accusatory) She started it …

Jane : (approaching Daria) What, by attacking your fist with her vicious head-butts?

As Jane speaks, Sandi first looks confused, but suddenly recognizes Jane's voice and Jane, despite her 'new' outfit. Riding a wave of adrenaline, Sandi first crushes her foot over Mr. DeMartino's right arch. Mr. DeMartino releases Sandi, jumping back in pain and surprise, as Sandi charges headlong at a startled Jane. Jane merely stares at Sandi, frozen like a deer in the headlights. Just before Sandi reaches Jane, Daria steps to her side and sweeps out her legs with a kick almost too fast to follow. Sandi falls forward, and is starting to get to her feet when Daria grabs her arm, wrenching it behind her back as she lifts Sandi to her feet. Sandi struggles briefly until Daria forces her arm slightly more, eliciting a squeal of pain.

Daria : (absolutely clam, devoid of emotion) You will leave Jane alone. If you do not, I will show you in detail how to dislocate a shoulder.

Sandi : (uncertain) You're lying again, you wuss. (hostile) You don't have the guts.

Daria raises Sandi's arm slightly, eliciting another squeal of pain from Sandi.

Daria : You will leave Jane alone.

Sandi : (annoyed) Fine.

Daria releases Sandi's arm

Sandi : But you are another matter.

Sandi swings at Daria again, but this time, Daria dodges effortlessly. Sandi looks on in shock as Mr. DeMartino unceremoniously grabs her by the arm and begins to drag Sandi down the hall.

DeMartino : Ms. Morgendorffer, if you are not overly BUSY, you will FOLLOW me down to Ms. Li's office THIS INSTANT.

Daria : (walking off after Mr. DeMartino) Well, since you asked nicely …

Interior of Ms. Li's office. Daria and Sandi are seated in front of Ms. Li's desk, although both are making a concerted effort to maintain their distance from both the desk and each other. Mr. DeMartino is standing to the side of Ms. Li's desk, closest to Daria. A door closing is heard off-screen as Ms. Li moves behind her desk and sits down, a serious, concerned look on her face.

Ms. Li : Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Griffin, need I remind you that fisticuffs are NOT an acceptable happenstance at this educational institution? (directed at Daria - smugly) Unless some other arrangement can be reached, I am afraid that I will have no choice but to suspend both of you and place a notice in your permanent record.

Daria : (calm) May I ask what the reason for my suspension is?

Ms. Li : (righteous) Ms. Morgendorffer, it is well known that fighting is cause for immediate suspension.

Daria : (matter of fact) I did not fight Sandi. I simply let Sandi hit me. Surely, I cannot be accused of fighting if I did not participate in the fight in any way?

Ms. Li : (edge of worry entering her voice) I was informed that you threatened Ms. Griffin with bodily harm…

Daria : AFTER Ms. Griffin assaulted Mr. DeMartino and attempted to attack my friend Jane Lane, I restrained Sandi in a manner that removed her ability to take action against Jane without causing permanent harm to her person. By threatening her, I was able to dissuade her from taking action against Jane without requiring any overt physical harm, which is well within the purview of self-defense statues in this town.

Ms. Li : (slightly angry) Mr. DeMartino, is this true?

DeMartino : While I did not have the PLEASURE of witnessing the ENTIRE INCIDENT, I must state FOR THE RECORD that Ms. MORGENDORFFER'S version of events are indeed ACCURATE to the BEST of my KNOWLEDGE.

Ms. Li : (confused) Ms. Morgendorffer, am I to understand that you allowed Ms. Griffin to strike you, despite the fact that you were fully capable of defending yourself?

Daria : Yes.

Ms. Li : Do I dare ask why you chose such an … unorthodox course of action?

Daria : When not in danger, do not fight. Sandi presented no real threat to me. She did present a threat to Jane, and so I was forced to restrain her.

Sandi glares at Daria with an angry gaze, obviously none too happy at being described as 'not a threat'. Daria sits back in her seat looking calm and controlled. Mr. DeMartino is looking at Daria with a curious gaze that slowly turns to a look of respect. Behind the desk, Ms. Li looks somewhat annoyed at the realization that Daria truly is innocent.

Ms. Li : Well, it would appear that you are free to go Ms. Morgendorffer. (turning to Sandi) As for YOU Ms. Griffin …

Hallways of Lawndale High, as school is getting out. Daria and Jane are leaving the building.

Jane : Um, thanks for stopping Sandi for me. You didn't have to, you know.

Daria : Well, yeah, but if I let you fight her, you'd be in trouble and she'd probably be hurt.

Jane : Yeah, I wouldn't want to be in trouble right now …

Daria : Again.

Quinn walks up to Daria and Jane cautiously, with a look of uncertainty on her face.

Quinn : Daria? Is it true?

Daria : I'm afraid I'll need a little more information than that …

Quinn : Were you in a fight with Sandi? Did you let her hit you?

Daria : Yes, and yes. Anything else?

Quinn : Um, why didn't you fight back? I mean, you could have stopped her, couldn't you? (uncertain) I mean, you did take that self defense class …

Daria : (deadly serious) Quinn, I probably could have killed her.

Quinn stops and stares at Daria, a frightened look on her face.

Quinn : (scared) Um, Daria?

Daria : Quinn, why do you think I just let her hit me?

Quinn : Uh (Bt - nervously) You were tired of pinching your cheeks?

Jane : (laughing) Not likely. After all, Sandi could have smeared Daria's makeup.

Daria : Oh, shut up Jane. (turning slightly) Quinn, what would have happened if I fought back? What would Sandi have done when she realized that she couldn't hurt me?

Quinn : Well, she would have gotten really mad at you, (thinking) and probably would (realization) Oh. (Bt – impressed) You did this because you didn't want to hurt HER?

Daria : (to Jane) You know, it's kind of nice having a sister who can think from time to time …

Jane : I wonder what happened to the real Quinn?

Quinn : Hey! (Bt) Um, Daria? Didn't you WANT to fight back? To hurt her for attacking you?

Daria : An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Quinn : Huh?

Daria : (resigned, instructional tone) The world is full of problems and conflict Quinn. I realize that I can't fix everything, but I'll be damned if I'm going to make things worse if I can help it.

Jane : Come on Daria. Chances are you'll be damned anyway.

Daria : (sarcastically) You're right Jane. Let's go find Sandi.

Quinn : Very funny Daria. Um, I'm glad that you weren't hurt. I've, uh, gotta go …

An uncertain Quinn walks off, leaving Jane and Daria looking after her.

Morgendorffer Residence, later that day. Daria is in her room when she hears a door slam loudly down the hall. Exiting her room, she looks down at the empty hall. Hearing the TV in the living room, she heads down the stairs and sits on the couch, staring at the TV. As she stares, the camera zooms in on the TV.

TV announcer : And in a surprise announcement, the Lawndale Power Authority has decided not to proceed with the proposed nuclear power plant, citing excessive litigation, ballooning legal expenses, and determined public smear campaigns. When asked about future plans, the Chief Operating Officer has stated only that they are 'examining all options'.

Daria stands in disgust, turning off the TV. As she heads into the kitchen, we hear the front door open. Helen walks into the now empty living room, not noticing that Daria has just left.

Helen : Hellooo … Anyone home?

Daria : (VO - annoyed) I think you can figure that out for yourself.

Helen : The case I was on got dismissed, so I was able to leave early today! Isn't that just great?

Daria : (VO - sarcastic) Yeah, wonderful.

Daria re-enters the living room with a can of pop. Walking over to the couch, she grabs her backpack and heads upstairs.

Helen : Daria! Are you still mad at me for grounding you?

Daria : (controlled anger) No, I am angry at you for engaging in a witch hunt.

Helen : Young lady, I think you should explain yourself before you find yourself grounded for life…

Daria : Mom, did you even look into what the power company was proposing before you accepted the case?

Helen : Daria, I was on the prosecution, and the case hadn't even gone to court yet.

Daria : And yet you never thought to make sure that the case you were supporting was justified?

Helen : Daria! It was a nuclear power plant. Your father and I marched against nuclear power. I think we know the problems.

Daria : And we all know that problems can NEVER be solved, don't we.

Helen : Daria, why is this such a big deal for you? You never displayed any interest in nuclear power before this …

Daria looks at Helen momentarily, then reaches into her backpack, removing the Lawndale Power Authority pamphlet and handing it to Helen.

Helen : Daria, where did you get this? You realize that this is mere propaganda …

Helen flips through the pamphlet, and is about to hand it back to Daria when she notices the "Property of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting" stamp on the back cover. Looking up at her daughter, we see her face pale in realization.

Helen : But … he never asked me … how should I be expected to know …

Daria : (angrily) Did you ASK? Did you even consider that your clients might be wrong?

Helen : How could Jake … why would he be for the power plant …

Daria : Dad had the foresight to not only look at the official proposal, but also to get independent verification of their figures. (ominous calm) What did you do, mother?

Helen : (rationalizing) Its not like they wouldn't have found someone else … I mean, it happens all the time … It's just another unfortunate incident…

Daria : (turning towards the closet) Crimine abuno disce omnes

Helen : What?

Daria : (removing toggle coat) From a single crime, know the nation.

Helen shrinks back, clearly hurt as Daria puts on her coat and heads out the front door.

Daria : I'm going out for a while. You can ground me when I get back if you want.

Daria closes the front door, leaving a stunned and speechless Helen sitting on the stairs, staring at the brochure.

Helen : (softly) OK Miss Lawyer, what do you do now?

{BGM : Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb}

It is dark outside. We see Daria sitting at the edge of a cliff, her legs hanging over. In the darkness, we cannot see more than the very edge of the precipice. Reaching down, Daria picks up a rock. After studying it for a second, she throws the rock off the edge. As we hear the rock ricochet down the cliff face, a figure can be seen coming up behind Daria, and soft footfalls are audible. Daria slowly turns towards the figure, as it approaches.

Brittany : Daria? What are you doing here?

Daria : (thought VO) Oh, if you only knew (out loud) Hi Brittany. (sarcastic) Am I not welcome at Lovers' Lane?

Brittany : Well … (nervously) Um, Daria? Are you OK? (Bt) You're not planning on, um, …

Daria : (deadpan) I'm fine Brittany. I'm not going to jump or hurt myself in any way. I just wanted to be alone to think for a while.

Brittany : But (gesturing at the edge) aren't you afraid of falling?

Daria : (sarcastically) Falling never bothered me. It's the landing that has me worried.

Brittany : Huh?

Daria : (downcast) Never mind.

Brittany : Oh, like skydiving! The falling was really fun, and the instructor was like, sooo dreamy, with those big boots and strong muscles …

Daria : Brittany, you may want to stop now.

Brittany : (squeaking) But why?

Daria picks up a small rock and throws it into a nearby bush.

Upchuck : (VO) Ouch! (Bt) Feisty!

Daria : That's why. (Bt) Brittany, if you don't like this cliff, why are you here?

Brittany : Well, I WAS up here with Kevin, but he's like, a total jerk! He just doesn't know how to treat a lady right! I mean, we were making out and all …

Daria : (thought VO) Please, I DON'T want to know

Brittany : … when he called me Debbie! (squeaking) So I just HAD to get away from him, so I went for a walk through these woods …

Daria : Brittany, if Kevin's such a jerk, why do you keep going out with him?

Brittany : Because he's the QB! And I'm the head cheerleader! It's, like, the rule or something …

Daria : Of course. How silly of me.

In the background, the sound of a car being started is heard.

Brittany : (angry) I need to go catch that rat Kevin before he leaves, unless I want to walk home. (uncertain) You're, um, …

Daria : Brittany, I promise that I won't do anything to hurt myself, OK?

Brittany : Um, yeah …

Brittany walks off, pausing a few times to look back at Daria in concern.

Later that night, still at the cliff edge. Daria is still sitting along the edge, looking pretty much apathetic. Hearing a slight sound, she turns slightly.

Daria : That you Upchuck? Done with your photo-op?

Tom : (VO) Nope. It's Tom.

Daria : Tom? How did you find me here?

_Tom walks up behind Daria, stopping just behind her._

Tom : Well, I called your house, and your mother said you were out. She didn't seem very happy. I tried Jane, but she wasn't home. So I checked the pizza place, where I found Brittany in full squeak.

Daria : I hope you're OK.

Tom : I'm fine, but I think some of the dogs in the area are scarred for life. (Bt) Brittany was worried about you. Are you OK?

Daria : Figures. I'm fine. Just thinking …

Tom : Is there room for one more over there?

Daria : Sure. Misery loves company.

Tom : (sitting down next to Daria) Is there anything I can do?

Daria : Why does life suck so much?

Tom : (uncertain) Are you looking for an answer, or should I just shut up now?

Daria : It's like they're taunting me. Just when I think that things are going well, everything goes straight to hell.

Tom : OK …

Daria : I mean, I actually think I can make a difference, and fall flat on my face.

Tom : Um …

Daria : Why do I even bother?

Tom : Because you care?

Daria looks at Tom with a glare that says 'you have five seconds to explain yourself, or else'

Tom : (sighing) You pretend that you don't give a damn, that you are above the whole rat race.

Daria : Uh, I suppose …

Tom : But as I've gotten to know you, I realized that you do. You keep trying. You reach out, even though people rarely return the favor. In your own way, you try and make the world a better place.

Daria : (blushing – reserved) Well … yeah.

Tom : And hasn't this year been pretty good so far?

Daria : Well, ignoring your shameless effort at self promotion (Tom smirks), I'd have to say yes, it has been better than most.

Tom : Don't let a few bad days get you down.

Daria : (bemused sarcasm) Everything will work out in the end?

Tom : Actually, I was going to say that shit happens, and there's not a damn thing we can do to stop it all. Sometimes you lose, and you just have to deal with it.

Daria : (sarcastically) You're one hell of a motivational speaker.

Tom : Humor. Good sign.

Daria : Whatever.

Tom : So, are you going to be OK?

Daria : Yeah, I think so. Thanks.

Tom : Anytime.

Daria : How did you get so good at this?

Tom : Long story …

Daria : We have plenty of time.

Tom : Well, when I was thirteen, my parents sent me off to a summer, uh, camp of sorts. One of these all-purpose 'improve your being' camps, staffed by people who make O'Neil look aggressive. They figured that it might help improve my attitude. They were wrong. But it was an interesting summer …

Daria laughs briefly as we fade out to the credits.


	6. The Last Straw - EAS 506

The Last Straw ****

The Last Straw

A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist

Episode #506

DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV's fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?

Front exterior, Morgendorffer residence. Daria and Jane are heading up to the front door from the sidewalk. As they do, Daria slows down momentarily and cocks her head at the driveway.

Daria : Well, it would appear that we are free of tiresome parental entanglements.

Jane : (confused) What?

Daria : (pointing at the driveway) They're not home.

Jane : Ahh.

Daria opens the front door to reveal Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany sitting around a table covered with stacks of paper. Quinn lifts a paper from the top of the stack, looking at it briefly before passing it off to Stacy. Stacy and Tiffany both look at the paper for a moment before turning to face Quinn. The three pay no notice to Daria and Jane. Daria and Jane look at each other briefly, look back at Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany, and close the door.

Daria : Jane?

Jane : Yes, I saw it too.

Daria : Since when does the fashion club do anything resembling work?

Jane : Since Quinn took over?

Daria : But so soon? (Bt) I have a feeling that something sinister is going on …

Jane : And this would be unusual how?

Daria opens the door again and walks up to Quinn. As Daria approaches, Quinn notices her and stands up, moving only slightly away from the couch.

Daria : Quinn? Paper dresses come back in style?

Quinn : Ewww …Don't even joke about something like that!

Daria : (shaking her head) So, what are you and your little friends doing here? Preparing for life as a secretary?

Quinn : Daria! We're evaluating potential new members for the fashion club.

Daria : New members? (baiting tone) Weren't you against new members last month?

Quinn : And how would you know that?

Daria : I could hear the 'discussion' upstairs.

Quinn : (subdued) Oh. (more animated) I thought that we could improve our image while reaching out to those who we can still help. (Bt) Don't worry, you don't count.

Daria : Once again, your sisterly empathy overwhelms me Quinn.

Quinn picks up a sheet of paper and offers it to Daria.

Quinn : Well, if you want to fill out an application …

Daria : Thanks, but no thanks.

Daria turns and walks over towards the front door, where Jane is waiting.

Jane : So what's up with Quinn and the fashion drones?

Daria : (heading upstairs) Picking new members.

Jane : MORE of them? Why? Isn't three enough?

Daria : I suspect that its some form of popularity stunt …

Jane stops for a second just outside of Daria's room as Daria opens the door and begins to enter.

Jane : Should we be worried?

Daria : Definitely. There was a time when I had hoped that this 'new Quinn' would be able to rise above that sort of petty one-upmanship. But once again, my faith in humanity is renewed.

Jane : Faith?

Daria : Or lack thereof. (Bt) The old self-centered, manipulative Quinn was bad enough. Add in intelligence and confidence, and you'd get …

Daria looks at Jane for a moment, then turns away and leans against the door frame.

Jane : You get … who?

Daria : (somber) My mother.

Cut to Helen's office. Helen is at her desk, working slowly but steadily, and is obviously pre-occupied.

Helen : (thought VO) Thank god for billable hours … Instead of productive ones.

Helen picks up a piece of paper, studying it briefly. Placing the paper back on the desk, Helen taps her pencil on the desk and stares at the far wall of her office.

Dissolve to the interior of a courtroom. Helen is standing in front of the bench, presenting her case to a stereotypical old English magistrate, with a full powdered wig and dark black robe.

Helen : So I move that this case be dismissed, based on the fact that my clients have an easily apparent inherent pre-disposition towards sub-optimal performance.

Judge : Would you care to re-phrase that in English?

Helen : (coldly) They're a bunch of brainless idiots, and anyone stupid enough to partner with them deserves what they get.

Eric : Helen!

Snap back to Helen's office. Eric is now standing in the doorway, looking at Helen expectantly.

Eric : Helen? Are you OK?

Helen jerks slightly as Eric interrupts her daydream. After collecting herself for a brief moment, Helen taps her pencil back up into her hand and turns to Eric.

Helen : (embarrassed) Um, yeah … I was just thinking about the latest case, and, uh, considering possible strategies …

Eric : Well, if you have time, the closing arguments in the big case are today. (hinting) All the partners will be there …

Helen : (thought VO) Partners … (out loud, hint of reluctance) Of course I'll be there Eric! I'll just, um, stay late to finish up.

Eric : That's my girl. (offhand as he leaves) Keep this up and you'll make partner in no time.

Helen : (to no-one in particular) Wonderful.

Fade to a bar interior. There is a smoky atmosphere, and the clacking of billiards can be heard in the background as Jake approaches the bar.

Jake : (motioning to a bartender) Another pitcher please?

A young female bartender notices Jake and makes her way over.

Female Bartender : Hey Mr. M, your buddies here already?

Jake : (sheepishly) Um, yeah …

Female Bartender : What can I get you?

Jake : Oh, the usual, I guess.

Taking a pitcher, she begins to fill from the Budweiser tap.

Female Bartender : I still don't see how you can drink this stuff. Sure I can't interest you in something better?

Jake : Thanks, but no. I just lower my standards until this stuff tastes good.

Female Bartender : You can only go so low though.

Jake : You would think, wouldn't you?

Female Bartender : (sympathetic) Tough day?

Jake : Tough life.

Female Bartender : (handing him the pitcher) Ouch. Hey, sorry …

Jake : (taking a $20 from his wallet and handing it to the bartender) Hey, thanks. Keep the change.

Female Bartender : Really, I can't.

Jake : Don't worry about it. (to self, under breath) Money I have. Respect? Sympathy? That's another story.

Interior of Daria's room. Daria and Jane are watching SSW when Quinn opens the door slightly and pokes her head through the door.

Quinn : Daria? Would you two want pizza tonight?

Daria : Pizza? What ever happened to frozen lasagna?

Quinn : Mom's working late again, and I haven't seen Dad …

Daria : That makes two nights in a row …

Quinn : You'd prefer Dad's cooking?

Daria : I'm no masochist. It's just unusual, that's all.

Quinn : So, like, what type of pizza?

Daria : Hmmm … How about pepperoni, sausage, ham, bacon, onion, and mushroom?

Quinn : Ewwww, Daria! Can't you go for something a little less, like, fattening?

Daria : Pepperoni and sausage?

Quinn : Pepperoni.

Daria : Deal.

Quinn : (not entirely pleased with the outcome) Fine. I'll call you when the pizza guy gets here.

Quinn heads out of the room, dialing a number on the cordless phone as Jane turns to Daria.

Jane : Daria? Aren't you always complaining that the band puts too much crap on their pizza?

Daria : Well, yes. But if Quinn had her way, we'd get a no cheese pizza, which quite frankly tastes like crap.

Jane : And you'd prefer the other extreme?

Daria : I am secure in the knowledge that Quinn would never let that happen …

Jane : Devious. I like it.

Daria : I've got to have some way of dealing with my family.

Jane : (probing) Um, not to pry, but is everything OK with them? I haven't really seen much of Helen or Jake …

Daria : (hint of concern) They're each mad at both themselves and each other, and are too stubborn to apologize. My dad's still mad that my mother managed to drive out the best potential client he's had in a while, and I seem to have precipitated a mid-life crisis in my mother.

Jane : Much the little home-wrecker I see.

Daria : Now don't you start too.

Jane : I would have thought that you would be excited about the peace and quiet …

Daria : (hint of sadness) Much to my surprise, I am not completely immune to their suffering.

Jane : Why Daria, are you displaying an actual emotion?

Daria : If you're not careful, I'll display it all over your shoes …

Jane : You do realize that you'd have to clean you room afterwards, don't you?

Daria : Damn!

Fade to the next day at Lawndale High, were Daria is taking her books from her locker before class.

Daria : So my dad got in pretty late, and even more drunk.

Jane : I can't imagine that Helen would take that very well.

Daria : That would involve Helen being home.

Jane : Big case?

Daria : Beats the hell out of me.

As the two are talking, Brittany and Kevin walk up to Daria.

Kevin : Hey Daria! Were you, like, in a fight or something?

Daria : Huh?

Kevin : I heard from some guy that Sandi beat you up …

Daria : No, I let her hit me.

Kevin : Um, no offense, but that's, like crazy …

Daria : (condescending) I knew what I was doing.

Kevin : Hey, you can't help it that you're just a girl. (Daria scowls) Here, let me show you how a man would do it.

Daria : (defeatist) Kevin, that's really not necessary …

Kevin : Don't be afraid Daria. I wouldn't REALLY hit a girl. That's, like, roughing the kicker. You're not, um, supposed to hit him, since he's a scrawny little guy …

Daria : (attempting to extricate herself) Uh, Kevin, we have to get to class soon.

Kevin : (not listening) Here, I'll punch slowly, and we'll see what you would do. Then I'll show you what I would do.

Kevin steps forward and starts a slow uppercut. Sighing, Daria puts her bag down and steps into the punch, swinging Kevin's arm around and pinning him against the lockers.

Kevin : Hey! How'd you do that? (Bt) You're just, like, a girl!

Brittany : Daria!

Daria : True. But so is Sandi.

Kevin : (sudden realization) Oh yeah. (Bt) Um, Daria? Could you let me go? It's, like, embarrassing for the QB to be pinned by a girl.

Daria : (releasing Kevin) Ms. Barch may have a point …

Kevin : (rubbing his arm) What?

Daria : Nothing.

Kevin shrugs and walks off to class with Brittany.

Jane : You realize that with him pinned, you could have had your way with him …

Daria : I thought of that, but where could I get that much quick-set epoxy?

Jane : Wal-mart?

Daria : Now you tell me. (picking up her bag) Come on, we wouldn't want to be late for class …

Jane : We wouldn't?

Daria : Well, we shouldn't, anyway.

Mr. O'Neil's classroom. Daria and Jane walk into the classroom and sit down. Jane glances off to the side for a second, grimacing slightly.

Jane : Don't look now, but Mr. O'Neil seems to be heading your way.

Daria : Well, it could be worse, I guess.

Jane : (surprised) What?

Daria : (fatalistic) Whenever I think that things can't get worse, they do. I was just hoping that my mere words would cause him to turn back to hiding behind his desk. But I guess the universe just hates me.

Jane : Took you this long to figure that out?

O'Neil : (walking into the field of view) Oh Daria! I just wanted to congratulate you on how well you dealt with Sandi. It takes a very confident child within to do something like that.

Daria : (sardonically) I don't think of it that way. I just got in touch with the punching bag within.

Jane snickers in the background

O'Neil : Hmm. I never thought of that. I'm just glad that someone realized that brute force never resolves anything…

Daria : Actually, violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than any other factor …

Kevin : (VO) Hey babe, she said 'naked'!

Jane : (to Daria) Stalin?

Daria : (to Jane) Heinlein.

Jane : Ahhh.

O'Neil : (walking away) That gives me an idea …

Daria sighs and lays her head down on her desk.

Jane : Problem?

Daria : He has an idea and it's my fault. Three to one odds that he assigns us a paper related to the use of force right now.

O'Neil : Class …

Jane : No deal.

O'Neil : Based on, um, occurrences at this school lately, I thought it would be a good idea for everyone to investigate the potential benefits of non-violent conflict resolution.

Daria : (to Jane) Where's a weapon when you need one?

O'Neil : I'd like each of you to look at a situation that was resolved without the use of force, and to expound on the likely results if force was used instead. It's a combination of investigative analysis and creative extrapolation. (excited) This will be great!

Jane : Thanks Daria.

Daria : How is it that his assignment on non-violent confrontation makes me want to shoot him?

Jane : Poor teaching skills?

Daria : Well, he is teaching at Lawndale …

Cut to a room in Lawndale High. Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are sitting at a desk in the front of a classroom. "Welcome Fashion Club Members" is written in large letters on the blackboard behind them. As the new members enter and take a seat, Quinn sits, rubbing her hands.

Quinn : (to Tiffany and Stacy) Why can't chalk come out of hands well?

Quinn looks up at a moderately full classroom. Picking up a piece of paper, she looks over the room, checking off members as they arrive. After a few minutes, she stands up to address the class.

Quinn : Now that you are all here, I would like to welcome all you new members to the first meeting of the new fashion club, and to congratulate all of you on meeting our stringent membership requirements.

Tiffany stands up and reaches below the desk to pick up a bulging plastic bag. Walking around the desk, she begins handing booklets to the members.

Quinn : Our club treasurer Tiffany is handing out a booklet containing the fashion club oath, duties, and constitution …

A girl in the audience raises her hand

Quinn : Yes, um …

Girl : Melissa.

Quinn : Melissa. Do you have a question?

Melissa : Like, what's the point of all of this stuff? I mean, do we really need all this?

Quinn : (smiling) Interesting question. You see, by creating a constitution, we can register as an official school-supported club.

Melissa : So, what good is that?

Quinn : Well, besides allowing us to use a classroom for meetings, we are also permitted to organize events for the school in general with administrative permission. Stacy?

Stacy : Oh, thanks. Like, we're arranging to have a big fashion show here at the school, with the fashion club, like, in charge of getting everything set up.

Tiffany : Yeah … And if we do a good job … They said that we could get stuff … uh … like, at cost …

Murmurs of surprise and approval ripple through the new members as they mull over the possibilities. Quinn sits down slowly, with a look of satisfaction and success on her face.

Morgendorffer residence, kitchen. The entire family is seated at the table as Helen reaches into a brown paper bag to serve dinner.

Daria : Um, mom? What did you get for dinner? It, um, smells … interesting.

Helen : (not really paying attention) Huh? Oh, I went to that new place down by my office …

Daria : (with a sense of dread) You mean the new English/Scottish place?

Helen : (distant) I guess …

Daria : Great.

Quinn : (gushing enthusiasm) Oh Daria, don't be such a downer.

Daria : And why are you so disgustingly cheerful tonight?

Quinn : We just had a big fashion club meeting, and it went, like, really well. Everyone seems to be interested, and we managed to get permission for that big fashion show and all, so I just KNOW that they're all glad they joined …

Daria : Um, Quinn? What fashion show?

Quinn : We're arranging a big fashion show over a weekend at the school. You know, to like show people that we're trying to help them, even if they aren't a member or anything. I'll bet they could even find YOU something…

Daria : (sardonically) What a generous offer. (suspicious) Doesn't Ms. Li have to approve all events at the school?

Quinn : Oh, she wasn't a problem. She loved the idea.

Daria : What?

Quinn : Oh, come on. A group of students arranging a fashion show attracts the media. Great human interest story that contributes to the glory and honor of 'Lawndale High'. That, and the fact that all proceeds from drink sales go directly to the executive discretionary fund to defray the school's cost.

Daria : That's, um, very Machiavellian of you Quinn.

Quinn : Is that supposed to be an insult or something?

Daria : (sighing) Go figure out what it means, and then you can decide for yourself.

Quinn : You can be so difficult sometimes Daria. Why can't you (grimacing) what IS that SMELL?

Daria : (slowly closing her eyes) That would appear to be dinner.

Quinn : Ewww …

Daria's room, interior. Daria is sitting on her bed, writing in a notebook when someone knocks at the door.

Daria : Abandon all hope, ye who enter here…

Tom opens the door and enters the room.

Tom : Never had any to begin with. (looking at the notebook) Writing?

Daria : Homework. Figured I may as well get started …

Tom : What happened to procrastination?

Daria : I'm putting it off 'till tomorrow.

Tom laughs briefly.

Daria : Tom? Would you mind going out for pizza?

Tom : Is this the same girl who said yesterday that even lasagna would be a welcome change from more pizza?

Daria : That'll teach me to tempt the forces of fate,

Tom : How bad could it be?

Daria leans over and whispers into Tom's ear.

Tom : That's just, um, ewww. Come on, my treat.

Daria : And people say chivalry is dead.

Tom : Wounded and lying bloody on the steps, but not dead.

Cut to Pizza king. Daria and Tom are entering the restaurant when they encounter Jane at the front door. Jane looks quizzically between Tom and Daria for an uncertain moment when Daria breaks the awkward silence.

Daria : Jane? What are you doing here?

Jane : I could ask you the same question.

Daria : (as they enter the restaurant) We're just out for a nice pizza. But we decided to settle for what they serve here.

Jane : Sure you are. Would you believe that I got tired of my artistic isolation and decided to seek out the invigorating company of my classmates?

Tom : Come on, even I wouldn't believe that.

Jane : I'm moonlighting for a major news network and doing an expose on the cultural nexus of Lawndale?

Daria : Too much personal interaction required.

Jane : OK, Trent unplugged the refrigerator for an extension cord after the fuse blew in the basement, and ever since the Velveeta incident in fourth grade, I've abstained from eating anything that moves when exposed to light.

Daria : You know, you could just visit the grocery store on a regular basis…

Jane : I don't know. That seems awfully drastic. (Bt) I thought your mother was getting dinner tonight?

Daria : Unfortunately, she went to Olde Mac Donald's.

Jane : What's wrong with burgers and fries?

Daria : No, not McDonald's, with the silly clown. Olde Mac Donald's, the English/Scottish takeout place. You haven't lived until you've had haggis. And a double order of bangers and mash for variety.

Jane : Does that taste as good as it sounds?

Daria : You know, I couldn't tell you. (smirking) But if you want to stop by later, I'm sure there's plenty left.

Daria, Jane, and Tom sit down in a booth, with Daria sitting next to Tom. Jane looks at the two of them and briefly looks saddened, but quickly hides it before Daria or Tom notice.

Jane : So I take it the family's still problematic?

Daria : They're always problematic …

Jane : Well, more so than usual.

Tom : Given that I wasn't bombarded with the usual interrogation when I arrived, I'd say yes.

Daria : And as if my family situation wasn't enough, life once again decides to kick us when we're down …

As the camera pans, we see Kevin walking up to the table with a goofy grin on his face.

Kevin : Hey Daria, Jane. (looking at Tom) You're, Don?

Tom : That's Tom. (Bt) Grand High Llama of Lawndale Tom to you.

Kevin : (uncertain) Like, Mr. Llama high guy?

Tom : (sighing) Just Tom.

Kevin : (confused) Oh …

Tom : (whispered to Daria) Is he for real?

Daria : Much to our dismay, yes …

Kevin : Like, uh, Tom?

Tom : (reluctantly) Yes?

Kevin : What's your secret?

Tom : Huh?

Kevin : I mean, Brit never goes for that mélange stuff …

Jane : A pithy French word for a mixture?

Daria : Jane, I think he means ménage. As in ménage a trois?

The camera pans around as Tom and Jane turn in surprise. Kevin is still looking on with limited comprehension, but both Tom and Jane are skewering Daria with an incredulous stare. Daria, for her part, simply has a look that says 'why me, why now?'

Jane : (fighting laughter) You have got to be kidding.

Tom : Hey, sounds good to OUCH! (to Daria) Those boots hurt!

Daria : (menacing) Just remember that …

Kevin : Hey, can I get in on this too?

Daria looks away from Kevin with an apathetic stare, when a look of inspiration comes across her face. She turns slowly to Kevin, visibly composing herself and trying (with limited success) to fake enthusiasm.

Daria : Well, I guess I would be OK with it, since you ARE the QB …

Both Tom and Jane jerk around in shock and simply stare at Daria. Tom looks slowly from Daria to Kevin and back, trying to determine exactly what is going on.

Daria : … But I don't really think that you're Tom's type.

Kevin : Wait, I'm not, like … I didn't mean …

Jane smiles, fighting a laugh, as Kevin tries in vain to correct Daria's 'mistaken' impression of him. Tom, for his part, looks slightly relieved, although he still appears somewhat uncomfortable with the whole discussion.

Daria : What would the football team think?

Kevin : (pleading) But … I'm the QB!

Daria's face sets in a take no prisoners expression as Kevin pleads with her. Softening her face slightly, she looks straight into Kevin's eyes locking him in a loaded stare.

Daria : (negotiating tone) Kevin, do you want the team to know about this?

Kevin : But I didn't …

Daria : (leading) Would it matter?

Kevin : Uh, no?

Daria : How about a deal?

Kevin : Deal?

Daria : Yes. I won't say anything about you and Tom …

Kevin : But …

Daria : If you don't say anything about tonight. You never saw us here, right? Can you just forget that tonight ever happened?

Kevin : (relieved) Yeah! Coach says I can forget more than anyone on the team. You can count on me!

Daria : Good. Oh look, you're pizza's ready.

Kevin : Cool! And I didn't even order yet!

As Kevin walks off, both Tom and Jane are stare at Daria. Tom looks vaguely bothered by the entire exchange when Jane starts laughing softly.

Daria : What?

Jane : What was that?

Tom : And why couldn't you leave me out of it?

Daria : I needed something that would really scare Kevin. I really don't need any more complications in my life right now. I had to work with what was available …

Jane : And you really don't think he'll tell?

Daria : Kevin may have the IQ of a brick, but he at least knows when he's in a losing situation …

Jane : Like whenever he steps into the classroom …

Tom : Well, hopefully this will all blow over …

Jane : (to Tom)Of course, even if it doesn't, YOU still get a killer reputation out of it.

Tom : (sheepishly) Well, yeah, but what good is a reputation if you're not alive to enjoy it?

Jane : (to Daria) You've trained him well …

Daria : Well, you broke him in for me.

Jane : Hey!

Bar interior. Jake hands a bill to one of the bartenders, who hands him a glass. Taking the glass from the bartender, Jake takes a drink as the bartender heads to the register. As he turns to look at the growing crowd, the bartender returns and hands him his change.

Jake : No, go ahead. Keep the change. It's not like I need it for anything.

Male Bartender : Um, OK …

Jake : (as the bartender walks away) Of course, everyone leaves me. Poor little Jakey …

The female bartender from earlier comes over to Jake.

Female Bartender : You've been putting away an awful lot of those, Mr. M

Jake : Jake, please.

Female Bartender : (reaching for a bar bill) Well, this is going to have to be the last … (looking at the bill) Coke?

Jake : (sheepishly) I have to drive home.

Female Bartender : (placating tone) Just settle down. We'll have enough real drunks to worry about out here soon.

Jake : (embarrassed) Sorry …

Female Bartender : Oh, don't worry too much. Stick around until 2 or so, and you'll see how many drunks will fit in a taxi …

Fade to Lawndale high, the next morning. Daria is alone at her locker when Quinn approaches. Quinn looks briefly around the hallway, then walks up alongside Daria.

Daria : No, I won't take the test for you.

Quinn : That's not why I'm here. The teachers would know that it's not me …

Daria : So you're looking for some fashion advice? (condescendingly) It's not too late. I can still help you …

Quinn : Ick, no. I have some standards. This is, um, about you.

Daria : Yes?

Quinn : (softly) There's a rumor going around that you, um …

Daria : (warning tone) Quinn …

Quinn : … like women. (Bt) As, um, more than just friends?

Daria looks at Quinn for a moment, with an almost entirely emotionless expression. Turning towards her locker, she closes her eyes for a second, the pressure and frustration dripping off her face. Opening her eyes, she composes her face into an eerie calm, and turns back to Quinn.

Daria : I see. And what about Tom?

Quinn : What about him? (Bt) Um, Daria …

Daria : (firmly) No, Quinn, it's not true. (shaking head) And I thought life couldn't get any worse.

An uncomfortable Quinn starts to slowly move away when Daria turns to her.

Daria : Quinn? Could you do a favor?

Quinn : (uncertain) OK …

Daria : Could you tell Jane what you just told me?

Quinn : Why don't you tell her?

Daria : Do you think it would be a good idea for me to grab Jane when she walks in and take her someplace private to talk?

Quinn : Oh …But what if people get the wrong idea about me?

Daria : (sardonically) Then you'll be even MORE popular than you are now …

Quinn : (thinking) Hmmm …

Daria : Quinn? … It was a joke?

Quinn turns to leave, pausing after a few steps to turn and smirk at Daria.

Daria : Damn obnoxious siblings.

Cut to later that morning, in the halls of Lawndale High. Quinn is in the bathroom checking her hair when Sandi enters the bathroom.

Quinn : (noticing Sandi in the mirror and turning) Oh, hi Sandi. How are you?

Sandi : How do you think Quinn? Thanks to you, my life is ruined.

Quinn : Why?

Sandi : How can you ask that? You ganged up on me and threw me out of the club…

Quinn : (calmly) No, we didn't Sandi.

Sandi : (annoyed) Like hell Quinn. I don't even know why I'm talking to you …

Quinn : As far as we're concerned, you're still a member of the Fashion Club.

Sandi : As what? Coffee girl?

Quinn : Of COURSE not Sandi. Coffee's like, so bad for your complexion. (Bt) But if you want, there's an opening for executive coordinating secretary …

Sandi : What, I get to take notes at meetings?

Quinn : No, you would get to coordinate members in setting up big events like the fashion show we're doing.

Sandi : Fashion show? (Bt) So I'd work for YOU until we graduate?

Quinn : (thought VO) IF you graduate (out loud) Well, according to the new constitution (Quinn reaches into her bag and hands Sandi a copy) officer elections will take place every spring. If you want, you can run against me … Just give it some thought, OK?

Quinn leaves the bathroom, with Sandi looking confused but hopeful. As the door shuts, Sandi begins looking through the constitution, with an interested look on her face.

Cut to Mr. DeMartino's classroom. Daria and Jane are seated in their usual seats as Mr. DeMartino enters the classroom. Around the class, people sporadically look at Daria and Jane with curiosity. Jane seems to be taking the whole incident in stride, but Daria seems visibly annoyed at the world in general.

Daria : I assume you caught up with Quinn?

Jane : (looking around in annoyance) Yep. Do you think it was Kevin?

Daria turns to look at Kevin, who immediately cowers and shrinks back in his seat. Mr. DeMartino notices this and smiles in amusement.

Daria : I doubt it. He hasn't tried to apologize, and is frightened as hell. I think someone beat him to it. Do we hope this passes, or do we try and do something about it?

Jane : We could kill everyone who's heard the rumor…

Daria : That would be everyone in this school.

Jane : But I'm sure there's a downside.

Daria : Who would we engage in our stimulating intellectual debates during class?

Jane : Mr. Coffee?

Daria : Well, you've sold me.

DeMartino : OK class. Could SOMEONE be so KIND as to INform your CLASSmates as to what HISTORIC event was in yesterday's ASSIGNED READING?

The class is silent. As Mr. DeMartino looks down the row, the students are quick to avert their eyes to avoid direct contact. Brittany, however, is distracted by Kevin, and looks up just as Mr. DeMartino glares down her row.

DeMartino : Brittany. Can you tell me?

Brittany : (twirling hair) Um, woodgate?

Mr. DeMartino looks at Brittany disdainfully. Brittany flinches slightly under his intense glare. Chuckling lightly to himself, he turns his glare on an oblivious Kevin.

DeMartino : Perhaps your INTELLECTUALLY challenged STUDY partner could enlighten us? Kevin? Can you tell us what the small STEP for man was?

Kevin : Um, the tango?

DeMartino : (moving in for the kill) Kevin, where OTHER THAN EARTH did people walk in July of 1969?

Jane : (teasing) Kevin! Try the moon!

Kevin : Naw Jane. It couldn't be the moon - it only comes out at night. It'd be too dark there. They must have gone to the sun.

DeMartino : (shaking his head in disbelief) If only I could send you there too. Would anyone ELSE like to VENture a guess?

Jane raises her hand.

DeMartino : Yes Ms. Lane?

Jane : Man walked on the moon.

DeMartino : Very good. It's nice to know that one of the SINGLE most IMPORTANT events of HUman history is so well known in the FUTURE leaders or our nation. (Bt) And their janitors as well …

Fade to a hallway in Lawndale High just after school has ended. Daria is walking towards the door when she hears footsteps behind her. Turning her head, we see Sandi Griffin walking quickly towards her.

Sandi : Like, Quinn's sister? Could you, like stop moving? Running is SO bad for my clothes.

Daria stops and turns to Sandi. Sandi looks nervous, leaving silence between the two.

Daria : Do you want something?

Sandi : I'm supposed to, like, apologize to you or something …

Daria : Why?

Sandi : (annoyed) Because my stupid anger management counselor says I have to.

Daria : Anger management counselor?

Sandi : Some deal my mom worked out to keep that whole fight thing off my, like, permanent record or something.

Daria : It won't work.

Sandi : What, you don't think that I can do it?

Daria : (matter of fact) That has nothing to do with it. You don't want to do it. You don't like it, so it won't work.

Sandi : (annoyed and striking back) Don't you have like, a date with that Jane chick?

Daria : What? (Bt) No, I don't.

Sandi : But everyone at school …

Daria : Are idiots. Sandi, if I were interested in women, wouldn't I have asked you first?

Sandi : (arrogant realization) Oh, yeah … But I don't date girls …

Daria : (sourly) neither do I.

After a brief moment of awkward silence, Sandi's watch, located conveniently in her purse, begins to beep.

Sandi : I've like, gotta go. There's a fashion club meeting I'm sitting in on.

Daria : (as Sandi leaves, to herself) Fashion club? Sandi? (pinches herself) Nope, I guess it's not all a dream. Damn!

Daria turns back towards the door, pushing it open and leaving the hallowed halls of Lawndale High. She walks by a group of boys just outside the door. As she does so, one of the boys leaves the group and jogs to catch up with Daria. As he comes closer, we see that it is Jamie.

Jamie : Can I walk with you?

Daria : It's a free country. Or so I've heard.

Jamie : Um, there are these rumors floating around …

Daria : Et tú Jamie?

Jamie : I just wanted to hear from you. Is it true?

Daria : No.

Jamie : Didn't think so. Although Kevin seems scared out of his mind …

Daria : (curious) How so?

Jamie : Well … whenever he hears someone spreading the rumor, he's like, right there to claim that it's not true. (suspicious, looking at Daria) It's like he's afraid of you for some reason. Why?

Daria : I can't tell you. But if you see Kevin, tell him that since he's kept his part of the deal, I'm still going to keep mine. But I'll be watching.

Jamie : (confused) Um, OK, I think.

Daria : He should understand that. If not, I'll draw some nice pictures for him.

Jamie : You know, he's really not such a bad guy, just a bit, um, slow …

Daria : Jamie, I know you mean well, but this is not a day for compliments from me.

Jamie : And that would be unusual how?

Daria : (slight smirk) Why is it that everyone I know are jerks?

Jamie : Because you'd rather be insulted than complimented?

Daria looks at Jamie for a second, then shakes her head.

Daria : I hate everyone.

Jamie : (walking away from Daria as they reach a corner) Oh, that's original. Later.

Daria : Uh, OK. (to self sarcastically as she continues home) All I ever wanted was omnipotence so I could smite all those who displease me. Is that too much to ask?

Sloane residence, exterior. As the camera slowly zooms in on the door, Daria walks up, still carrying her school pack. Looking around the front yard briefly, she rings the bell. Inside the house, we hear someone walking down the stairs and unlocking the door, which opens to reveal Tom.

Tom : Daria?

Daria : Movie. Dinner. Now.

Tom : Um, isn't that Tarzan's line?

Daria stares at Tom.

Tom : Um, alright then. Just let me tell my family, OK?

Streets of Lawndale, interior of Tom's car. Tom is driving, and Daria is sitting in the passengers seat, staring out the window. Tom glances over at her periodically, with obvious concern as to her condition. After an awkward interval of silence, Tom clears his throat and looks slightly towards Daria (as much as driving permits)

Tom : Daria? What's wrong?

Daria : Last night.

Tom : Takeout leftovers?

Daria : This has nothing to do with the food.

Tom : Oh. (thinking for a second, followed by an uncomfortable instant of realization) Oh. I see. Kevin?

Daria : No. At least I don't think so. (frustrated) Why can't I just have a good day once in a while?

Tom pulls the car over to the side and puts it in park. Reaching over to Daria, he pulls her over and gives her a hug. Daria leans into him, half-collapsing in his arms for a long moment. Slowly, she straightens up and gently pulls away from Tom.

Daria : (attempting unsuccessfully to repress her emotions) Thanks Tom. (edge of annoyance) Apparently, I needed some human contact. (under breadth) Lousy biology (ironic tone) And Jane wouldn't exactly help my cause any …

Tom : Um, how's she taking it?

Daria : Better than I am. But then again, the whole damn school seems to be talking about me. What ever happened to blissful anonymity?

Tom : It's just the rumor. They don't really care who its about, just that it spices up their dull lives. I wish I could take your place …

Daria : No you don't.

Tom : Yeah, you're right. But I'm obligated to say it anyway.

Daria : Such pure, noble motivations …

Tom : Promise you won't tell anyone?

Daria : (chuckling slightly) Don't worry. Your dark secret is safe with me …

Cut to later in the night. Daria and Tom are walking down the street when Daria stops and looks through a window. As the camera follows her, we see that she is looking at Jake through the window. Sighing for a second, she turns and continues walking down the sidewalk.

Tom : Problem?

Daria : For my dad's liver, yes.

Tom : Huh?

Daria : As far as I know, he's been out at the bar almost every night this week. And my Mom's been working more hours than a med student at the firm.

Tom : Oh. I'm sorry.

Daria : Thanks. But it's not your fault. (under breath) It's mine …

As Daria and Tom walk away from the bar, Daria looks back with concern. Sighing briefly, she looks away and takes Tom's hand. Tom looks down, surprised, but says nothing.

Exterior of Lawndale high, the next day. As Daria is walking towards the front door, she is approached by Melissa, from the fashion club meeting. Melissa looks nervous and apprehensive, watching Daria for a moment before saying anything.

Melissa : Um, you're Daria, right?

Daria : (stopping and looking at Melissa with a curious gaze) Not by choice …

Melissa : I'm Melissa. (nervously) Um, if you're not busy tonight, would you want to do something?

Daria looks at Melissa for a second, then sighs in frustration.

Daria : I'm not interested in women. Really.

Melissa : (worried) But the rumors …

Daria : Are wrong.

Melissa : (thinking fast) Um, I was just trying to figure out if they were true…

Daria : No, you weren't.

Melissa : (nervous and scared) Are you going to tell anyone?

Daria : Why would I do that?

Melissa : (uncertain) You're not all creeped out?

Daria : Why should I care what you do? I may not share your leanings, but that doesn't mean that I hate you or anything.

Melissa : Oh. (apologetic) Well, like, you know how it is … Sorry about, well …

Daria : You have nothing to apologize for.

Daria looks at Melissa for a second, thinking. As she does, her outward mood changes from one of frustration to one of anger.

Daria : I have had about enough of all this crap. It's not fair to me, it's not fair to you, and I'm not going to stand for it any longer.

Melissa looks with extreme uncertainty at Daria. Daria looks off into the distance, where a group of students have gathered and are talking. After watching them for a while, she turns to Melissa.

Daria : Would you do me a favor?

Melissa : (righteous) And if I don't, you'll tell people about me?

Daria : No, it'll just be a lot more work before I find what I want.

Melissa : Which is?

Daria : The twerp responsible for all this.

Melissa : That's not going to be easy.

Daria : I know. But it's the only way to end this now.

Melissa : And if I say no, you really won't do anything to me?

Daria : (disappointed) No, I won't.

Melissa : Then I'll do it. (to Daria's surprised look) I don't like blackmail.

Daria : You know, for a Lawndale student, you're surprisingly decent.

Melissa : Thanks, I think …

Daria watches as Melissa heads into the school, shaking her head at the whole situation. Slowly, with a clear aire of annoyance, Daria heads into the school as well.

Slightly later, inside of Lawndale High. We see Daria turn a corner and walk up and tap someone on the shoulder. As he turns, we see that it is Jamie.

Jamie : Daria?

Daria : Jamie? Could I ask a favor?

Jamie : Um … what is it?

Daria : I want to know who started this rumor …

Jamie : Uh …

Daria : I know it isn't easy. Just see if anyone knows, OK? Oh, and you may want to ask Kevin. Tell him that if I find who started the rumor, he's safe …

Jamie : (worried) Ok …

Daria : (walking off) Relax Jamie. I won't kill anyone unless absolutely necessary.

Cut to Helen's office. Helen is at her desk, still looking unsettled. Her desk is scattered with papers with little evident organization. A yellow legal pad sits in the middle of the desk, with a variety of line drawings gracing the page. Marianne is sitting nearby, but appears to be doing very little actual work, instead trying to preserve the appearance of work by filing, organizing, and transcribing anything she possibly can.

Helen : Marianne? Why don't you get some coffee or something?

Marianne : (mouse-like tone) Sure Helen. What would you like? Cream? Sugar?

Helen : No, no Marianne. Get some coffee for yourself.

Marianne : Oh, no thanks. I'd have to go all the way downstairs …

Helen : (perplexed) Just get some from the executive cafeteria down the hall.

Marianne : But I'm not an executive …

Helen : If someone asks, you can just say its for me, OK?

Marianne : (confused) Um, thanks?

As Marianne leaves, Helen looks after her with pitying concern.

Helen : Has she always been this malleable?

Just as Helen turns back to her work, Eric enters the room.

Eric : Helen! Glad I caught you. I wanted to congratulate you on getting caught up so quickly after the big trial yesterday.

Helen : (pre-occupied) Oh, it was nothing.

Eric : Helen? Is something wrong?

Helen : Huh? No, no, I'm fine. I was just thinking about Marianne …

Eric : (looking around the room) What, is she giving you trouble? Would you prefer a new assistant?

As Eric is speaking, Marianne comes to the door, but stops just at the edge, frightened and uncertain.

Helen : What? No, Marianne is more than fine. I couldn't ask for a better assistant.

Outside, Marianne smiles as she listens in on the conversation.

Helen : It's just been a long week. You know how it is.

Eric : Yep, I've been there myself. (Bt) Take the rest of the day off …

Helen : But the case …

Eric : We both know that this case will be settled by the weekend. Go home for the afternoon – full pay – and come in tomorrow ready to go.

Helen : Um, thanks Eric.

Eric : Don't mention it Helen. (as he leaves) You bring in more income than any two of our other lawyers combined…

As Eric leaves the office, Marianne walks briskly around the corner. Waiting a few moments, she retraces her steps and enters Helen's office.

Helen : Marianne, I'll be leaving shortly to take the afternoon off.

Marianne : Don't worry Helen. I'll keep on top of things here for you.

Helen : You're going home too.

Marianne : What?

Helen : You work almost as many hours as I do for less pay. You deserve this even more than I do. Go home and be with your family …

Marianne : (uncertain, but afraid to question Helen) Um, thanks Helen.

Helen : (to self, under breath) If only my family were so simple …

Cut to the halls of Lawndale High. Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are walking through the halls when Sandi comes up to Quinn.

Sandi : Like, Quinn? Could I talk to you?

Quinn : (to Stacy and Tiffany) I'll see you guys in class, OK?

Stacy : Sure! See you there!

Quinn : Yes Sandi?

Sandi : I've decided to help you with the fashion club. I simply couldn't live with myself if I let you face the enormous pressures on your own, without any experience in group leadership.

Quinn : Thanks Sandi. We have regular meetings twice a week. At the next meeting, I'll formally introduce you, and you can meet with all the volunteers working the fashion show!

Sandi : Don't worry Quinn. I'm sure that the volunteers will realize my natural leadership abilities, and everything will go smoothly …

Quinn : (faux sincerity) Oh, that's great Sandi. It's so good to have you back.

Quinn and Sandi head off towards class, an awkward silence between them as each tries to gauge the depths of the other's intent.

Cut to Mr. O'Neil's class. Daria and Jane are seated towards the front of the class. Daria has a determined look on her face, and is clearly ignoring any and all comments and glares from her classmates. Jane takes out her notebook, and remembers the assignment by Mr. O'Neil.

Jane : When is that silly assignment due?

Daria : You know, he didn't set a date. Good thing too, as I'm having a bit of trouble with it.

Jane : What's the problem?

Daria : Well, I chose the Cuban Missile Crisis, but recently, I've been having trouble seeing complete thermonuclear annihilation as a bad thing.

Jane : Rumor mill still in full force?

Daria : Could it be any other way? (Bt) Why aren't you bothered by this?

Jane : (chuckling) After last summer, it'll take more than just a rumor to bother me.

Daria : Hopefully, this rumor will be short-lived.

Jane : Counting on your luck?

Daria : No.

Jane : You have a plan?

Daria : I will either see the end of this rumor, or have my vengeance. (smirking) Both work for me.

Cut to the girls' bathroom. We see Melissa talking to a girl. The girl looks uncertain, but Melissa manages to mollify her concerns. After a minute or two of discussion, Melissa thanks the girl and heads out.

Exterior of Lawndale High, near the front door. Jamie walks up to a pair of football players who are smoking out of sight of the windows. After a brief conversation, they shrug and point off in the distance. Jamie looks momentarily, and starts walking.

Cafeteria, Lawndale High. Melissa walks up to a group of girls, asking questions. They look at her strangely for a moment, but soon begin to talk in earnest, often interrupting each other. Melissa looks on, trying to put together a coherent picture.

Daria's locker, Lawndale High. Daria is putting away her books and preparing to head home when Melissa comes up to her. Daria looks over her shoulder, and noticing Melissa, turns expectantly.

Melissa : Well, it wasn't easy, but I think that Christy was one of the first to spread the rumor.

Daria : Christy?

Melissa : Come on, I'll point her out. She wouldn't say anything to me though.

As Daria and Melissa head down to a different corridor, Jane notices them, and follows at a discreet distance. Just after turning the corner, Melissa points at a girl. Jane moves within hearing distance as Daria approaches the girl.

Daria : Christy?

Christy : (turning around) Who wants to know? (seeing Daria) No, I will not go on a date with you.

Daria : I'm not looking for a date. I heard that you were the one to start that false rumor.

Christy : I was not!

Daria : (sweetly) Then you won't mind telling me who told you?

Christy : I can't do that!

Daria : And why not?

Christy : I promised!

Daria : I didn't. And if you don't, I'll walk over and give you a nice, big kiss, right in front of all your friends and classmates.

Christy : But then everyone will know that the rumor's true!

Daria : (moving slightly towards Christy) Everyone already seems to believe that. But this way, you get to share in the fun too.

Christy : (desperate) You wouldn't dare!

Daria : If I'm going down, I'll be damn sure to take you with me.

Christy : (dejected) Fine. Just don't tell anybody where you heard it, OK?

Daria : Deal.

Christy : I heard it from someone who was also in the pizza place. A guy. That's all I can tell you.

Daria : I suppose that'll do, for now. But if I don't figure it out soon, I'll be back.

Christy : (concerned) But I CAN'T …

Daria : (as she walks away, menacing) We have ways of making you talk, lil' Miss.

Daria leaves a shaken Christy, and as she moves away from the crowds, Jane slides in alongside her. Daria gives her a brief glance as she continues down the hallway.

Daria : Hey Jane.

Jane : Remind me never to play cards with you. You have one hell of a poker face.

Daria : Poker face?

Jane : You could barely tell that you were bluffing.

Daria : Who says that I was bluffing?

Jane : (looking at Daria with an uncertain gaze) You weren't?

Daria : I am going to get to the bottom of this. It will end. Soon. And it will go badly for whoever decided to start it.

Jane : Whoa! This is really getting to you.

Daria : I'm just sick and tired of all this crap. It's obnoxious, unfair, and places me in a very uncomfortable situation, and I will not stand for it any longer.

Jane : Damn! … Hell hath no fury like a Morgendorffer scorned!

Daria is about to respond when Jamie taps her on the shoulder.

Jamie : Hey Daria? I've asked around, and I think that the rumor was started by someone in the booth behind you.

Daria : Huh?

Jamie : No one seems to know who started it, but a few people heard the rumor as "This guy was sitting behind Daria's table …"

Daria stares off into space for a second, and the scenery fades back to the pizza place. Daria, Tom, and Jane are walking towards the table when they suddenly freeze. Alongside, an additional Daria appears.

Daria : Hmmm … (looking at Jane) I wonder …

Suddenly Jane changes from her usual garb into a full 18th century dress, with a parasol over her shoulder.

Daria : (bemused smirk) Enough play, time for business …

Daria turns and walks towards her table. To one side, she sees Jodie and Mack.

Daria : Not likely.

Turning her head, she looks at her empty seat. Barely visible over the seat back is a lock of orange hair.

Jane : (VO) Daria?

Cut back to the hallways of Lawndale High. Jamie is looking on with concern, and Jane is gently shaking Daria.

Jane : Daria, are you OK?

Daria looks at Jane for a loaded moment.

Daria : Upchuck.

Jane is briefly confused, then realizes Daria's meaning.

Jane : It was THAT creep?

Daria : (to both Jane and Jamie) You two should be sure to come in to school tomorrow. I promise you won't regret it.

Daria turns and walks off, leaving Jane and Jamie staring at her as she goes.

Jamie : Do you think …

Jane : She won't do anything illegal, and he won't be physically harmed. Other than that, beware Upchuck, beware.

Fade to the Morgendorffer residence, kitchen. Helen enters with a bag of groceries, then looks at the clock. Shrugging, she removes a gallon of milk from the bag, placing it in the refrigerator.

Helen : The girls should be home soon.

Helen reaches into the bag and removes a roast.

Helen : Now, where did I put that cookbook?

Helen searches through a few cabinets, finally removing a dusty old book. Wiping it off reveals the title – Cooking When you Have Spare Time. As Helen opens the book gently, there is a slight groan from the binding.

Helen : I thought I used this a bit more recently…

Helen searches through the kitchen, finally coming up with a potato peeler and a few small spice containers.

Cut to the exterior of a bar. Jake is standing at the door, staring at the entrance. Inside, a deep, penetrating bass boom can be heard, and a number of silhouettes can be seen dancing through the window. Jake looks longingly, caught up in the motion of the dancers. From his right side, a young woman opens the door, shaking Jake out of his absent-minded state. Jake looks slowly to either side.

Jake : (thought VO) I could go home, I suppose. But Helen will probably be at work all night, again …

As Jake stands at the door, a male figure comes up behind him.

Man : Hey, Jake! Good to see you here. Hey, you wanna come in and share a drink?

Jake : Um, (faux excitement) sure, why not?

With some trepidation, Jake follows the man through the door and into the interior of the bar.

Morgendorffer residence, living room. Quinn is sitting in the living room when Daria enters the front door.

Daria : (looking around) Something smells really good in here …

Quinn : Yeah, mom's been cooking a really nice dinner or something.

Daria : Mom? Our mom?

Quinn : Yeah. I think she like, got the afternoon off …

Daria : Well, where is she?

Quinn : She's, um, a little mad. (Bt) Daddy isn't back yet.

Daria shakes her head.

Daria : This has gone on long enough. I'll be back.

Daria drops her bag against the wall, and leaves the house, pulling the front door shut with a loud bang.

Fade to the bar entrance. Daria is talking to the bouncer at the entrance as the second bouncer continues to check ID's.

Bouncer : Look, I can't let you in if you're not 21. Those are the rules.

Daria : I can see my father. He's sitting right there. You can come with me if you want. I just need to talk to him for a few minutes.

Bouncer : I can't take the time to escort everyone who needs to go running to daddy. I have real work to do.

Daria : So you can sit here and argue at the door for five minutes, but you can't watch me for thirty seconds while I ask my father to step outside?

Bouncer : I can't leave this door, and I can't let you in. Those are the rules.

Daria : (conspiratorial tone) If you can't leave the door …

Daria pushes buy him and into the bar, slipping out of his attempt to block her.

Bouncer : Hey!

Bouncer #2 : Just let her go and give me a hand with this line.

Pan over to Jake sitting at the bar with a male bartender talking to him.

Male Bartender : What can I get you?

Jake : A glass of something on tap. I don't much care what.

Male Bartender : How about the local micro-brew?

Jake : Whatever.

The bartender pours the beer and hands it to Jake. As Jake passes a bill across the bar to him, Daria comes up alongside him.

Male Bartender : (barely glancing Daria's way) What's your poison babe?

Daria : Strychnine.

Both the bartender and Jake turn to look at Daria. Jake appears to be sizing Daria up, attempting to decide if it is really his daughter.

Jake : Daria?

Male Bartender : Um, miss? Aren't you a bit young?

Daria : I just came for my father. (to Jake) Dad, mom has a nice dinner all prepared, so you will come home.

Jake : Helen? What's she doing home?

Daria : She got the afternoon off, and came home to make dinner for us.

Jake : Helen? Home?

Daria : (grabbing Jake by the arm) Come on dad. It's time to leave.

Cut to dinner at the Morgendorffer residence. A very impressive-looking dinner is on the table as Jake and Daria enter the kitchen. Helen looks up slowly, but perks up dramatically when she sees Daria and Jake. Although she doesn't say anything, it is clear from her expression that she is grateful for Daria's assistance.

Jake : (surprised at the dinner) Wow Helen! This looks great!

Helen : (abashed) Um, thanks Jake. Girls, how was school today?

Quinn : Well, Sandi agreed to come back to the fashion club to coordinate the fashion show …

Daria : Wait a minute. Sandi, the same girl that treated you like hired help, and who you finally got the guts to oust, is just being let back in? In a position of power? Aren't you afraid that she'll try and kick you out?

Quinn : Nope. There are elections in the spring.

Daria : (confused) Do you WANT her to take over?

Quinn : Daria, Daria. You simply don't understand. If I didn't let Sandi back in, she'd either try and replace me, or start a competing club and try and diminish the Fashion Club. So I had to let her in.

Quinn reaches out and takes a sip of her water

Quinn : But Sandi likes to be in charge, in control. And she knows that most of our members will be helping with the fashion show. What she doesn't realize is how unpleasant she is to those beneath her. Not only will she alienate almost all the members, but she gets to give all the hard, unpopular decisions that come about in organizing the show. On top of that, she'll be far to busy organizing the show to be able to bother me for a while. By the time elections come, I'd be surprised if she has any office at all, and she has only herself to thank for it.

Daria looks at Quinn in amazement.

Helen : Why sweetie! I'm so proud of you! You're finally learning how to deal with people.

Daria : I take it back. Machiavelli had nothing on you.

Fade to Helen and Jake's room. Helen and Jake are sitting on the bed talking to each other. Both look very serious, and more than a little frightened.

Helen : Jake? Why didn't you just tell me that you got the power plant account? Why did you let me wait until it was too late for me to do anything?

Jake : Would it have made a difference?

Helen : (abashed) No, probably not.

Jake : (deadly serious) If I told you, and you went ahead anyway, wouldn't that be worse than if you didn't know at all? If I wanted that kind of rejection, I could relive my childhood. (shaking fist) Damn you old man!

Helen : Jake, please! (seriously) Jake, I'm sorry …

As the scene fades out, Jake reaches over to take Helen's hand in his.

The next morning, interior of Lawndale High. Upchuck is walking down the hall when Daria comes up behind him and grabs him by his ear. Upchuck attempts to twist away, but Daria maintains her grip, causing Upchuck to yell in surprise and pain.

Upchuck : Hey, Ow!

Daria : Listen closely Upchuck. I know that you were at Pizza King, and I know that you started that rumor. You are going to tell the school exactly what you did and why, or I will make your life a living hell.

Upchuck : But I didn't …

Daria : Yes, you did. Now let's go see Ms. Li.

Upchuck : (concerned) Ms. Li?

Cut to Ms. Li's office. Angela Li is sitting at her desk as Daria drags Upchuck into her office. Ms. Li looks up contemptuously, and is surprised to see Daria and Upchuck in her office.

Ms. Li : Ms. Morgendorffer. What is the meaning of this unwarranted intrusion?

Daria : Ms. Li, no doubt you have heard the various rumors floating around the school?

Ms. Li : Ms. Morgendorffer, I simply do not have the time to bother with the pedantic dealings of the student body …

Daria : Well, this (gestures to Upchuck) student has started a rumor regarding erroneous sexual behavior on my part that has created an unfriendly environment at this school. According to the school code, you are obligated to take 'any reasonable action' to prevent such sexual harassment at school.

Ms. Li : And what would this reasonable action be?

Daria : Charles wishes to address the school to inform them as to the error of his statements and beg forgiveness.

Ms. Li : If I refuse?

Daria : I will be forced to file a public complaint based on a violation of the school code exposing everything…

Ms. Li : You do realize that you'll simply be spreading the message to a wider audience. Is that really what you want?

Daria : I want this to end. I do not wish to be the object of speculation and rumor, and I have no desire to limit my contact with my friends to avoid jeering and innuendo. The best way to do that is to cut the rumor off at the source. Will you help me, or not?

Ms. Li : Permitting student use of school equipment for personal reasons is most unusual, Ms. Morgendorffer.

Daria : Ms Li. Either you let Charles speak now, or I leave this office, walk down to the payphone, and call my mother to have her contact our lawyer. What will it be?

Ms. Li : (reluctantly) Very well Ms. Morgendorffer. But if this is a trick, you'll be in detention for the rest of your term here at Lawndale.

Daria : Charles, it's all yours …

Charles picks up the microphone and depresses the button, causing a slight squeal to go over the intercom.

Cut to Mr. O'Neil's class. Jane is sitting next to an empty seat as the squeal begins. The whole class stops to listen for the announcement.

Upchuck : (VO, nervously) Um, this is, uh, Charles Ruttheimer the Third. I'm here because I made a mistake, and, um, need to do something about it …

Jane looks curious and amused, listening attentively to the unexpected announcement. The rest of the class whisper softly amongst each other, unaware of the nature of the announcement.

Cut to Ms. Bennet's classroom. Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are seated in a group, and are exchanging glances with each other.

Stacy : Upchuck?

Upchuck : (VO) I was in Pizza King earlier this week, where I heard someone make a joke in poor taste about Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane. This was only a joke, and was quite obviously false …

Quinn looks up at the intercom, and a small smirk forms on her face.

Cut to Ms. Barch's classroom. Ms. Barch is listening with a bemused expression on her face. Both Jamie and Melissa are listening intently.

Upchuck : (VO) But my own imagination and lack of any, um, social interactions caused me to become obsessed with the possibilities. This obsession led me to start the false rumor that has unfortunately caused Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane so much trouble.

Cut back to Ms. Li's office. Daria and Ms. Li are watching with great interest, and Upchuck looks as if he's about to collapse.

Upchuck : I am sorry that my pathetic imagination has caused so much trouble.

Upchuck releases the button and places the microphone back on the desk. Silently, he walks out of Ms. Li's office, closing the door behind him.

Daria : Thank you Ms. Li. I'll return to class now.

Cut to Mr. O'Neil's class. The door opens as Daria enters. As she does so, the class begins clapping. Daria looks around in surprise, and sits down next to Jane.

Daria : Are they clapping for me?

Jane : I think they're just glad to see someone put Upchuck in his place.

Daria : You know, I think there's more to it.

Jane : I don't follow you.

Daria : Upchuck was very hard on himself. Far more than necessary to be convincing.

Jane : So?

Daria : So I can only think of one explanation, and it bothers me.

Jane : What is it?

Daria : That he was sorry. Genuinely sorry. And he intentionally punished himself to make up for starting it.

Jane : Oh.

Daria : Yeah, oh.

Jane : Almost makes it hard to hate him …

Daria : Yeah, almost …

O'Neil : Class? Can we get started? We have such a fun and exciting day ahead of us!

Fade to the Morgendorffer living room. Daria and Jane walk in, and hear Helen and Jake in the kitchen.

Daria : (to Jane) Would you head up to my room and warm up the TV for me? I should check on those two …

Jane : Daria the chaperone?

Daria : Oh, just shut up!

Jane heads up the stairs as Daria walks into the kitchen. Inside the kitchen, Helen and Jake are sitting at the table talking. Noticing their daughter's entrance, they stop and turn to Daria.

Jake : Hey kiddo!

Daria : Hey dad, mom. Everything OK?

Helen : Not really. But at least we're talking about it, and we realize that there are problems.

Jake : And knowing is half the battle!

Daria : Dad, please don't quote GI-Joe to me.

Jake : So THAT'S where that's from!

Helen : Daria, we just wanted to say thanks. We were both too stubborn to just say what was bothering us. You probably did more good than any of our marriage counselors.

Daria : Does that mean I can ask for the same hourly rate?

Helen : Don't push your luck.

Daria : I hope you're not expecting some big emotional scene here.

Helen : Daria, give me a little credit. We're not expecting anything really.

Jake : Yeah, we just wanted to, um, thank you.

Daria : Well, uh, you're welcome.

Daria walks out of the kitchen, turning and leaning against the wall just out of sight of the kitchen. As the scene fades out to the credits, Daria's face takes on a look of happiness, a big smile slowly stretching across her face.


End file.
